We go through a lot of doors in this city. I end up holding the door for someone probably 40 times a week and get the door held for me maybe 15 times. I see it happening in front of me probably two or three times that.
I’ve noticed more and more that there are some people who make a big deal if they don’t hear an audible “thank you.”
Dude (gender neutral) if you’re doing something nice you shouldn’t be so hungry for thanks or recognition, regardless of what you think the other person should or shouldn’t do. It’s like expecting payment. It’s no longer a good deed. It’s not your job to police someone’s else’s manner of expressing gratitude towards you.
So until you get over that need for transaction, just leave off holding the door. Folks don’t really need you to do that. If they ask for it, that’s different.
I’ll tell my children “you’re welcome” whether or not they thank me; they will roll their eyes and say “thanks, Dad” but it happens less as they grow up.
It’s not worth trying to educate adults that way. If you want to do something nice, just do it.
I’ve never encountered people demanding “thank yous” for holding the door open, but that’s probably because I thank people for the stupidest shit. It’s an annoying habit of mine. Maybe in a previous life, someone beat me up for not saying thank you enough.
I’ve never encountered people demanding “thank yous” for door-holding. But I’ve run into plenty of people demanding that they be thanked for the most trivial little things, like, say, passing some piece of paper to me during a meeting, or something like that.
I have run into plenty of people who expect doors to be held for them (I’m talking about people years and decades younger than me, with no apparent physical issues), and who get quite touchy if they’re not. Like I’ll be walking down a hallway a good twenty feet ahead of someone, and if I don’t wait for that person and hold the door, I’ll get one of those noises that people make to indicate displeasure, but can deny (you know, if asked “what’s your problem,” can say "what? I didn’t say anything. Total bullshit.)
Or who will stand by the door into our offices from the elevator lobby until someone opens the door for them.
Life’s little speed bumps. I find them amusing more than anything else.
I agree with the basic premise of the OP. When I do some trivial kindness, such as holding a door open, yes I do expect an acknowledgement. But if it doesn’t happen then it doesn’t happen. No response on my part is necessary, nor do I feel slighted. The key word in my comment was trivial. Holding a door, stepping back or stopping to let someone pass, or moving over a seat in a theater, do not warrant some special honorarium. You just do it because it’s easy.
I had an older man hold the elevator door open for me. I was getting on, he was getting off. He delayed his own departure for a completely unnecessary gesture, and was snippy when I did audibly thank him.
My mother didn’t start thanking us until her best friend threatened with ending the friendship “unless you start treating your children as if you think they’re people” (sic). Once she’d made the purpose to Use Her Manners with us, we did treat her like we’d treat a little child. It took her two whole years to start sounding natural, and yeah, it was two years of “what’s the magic word?” and “what do people not raised in a pigsty say?” Nowadays we still sometimes stare at her when she forgets her magic word. Forcing her to remember her manners tends to be linked to other positive behaviors: she’s less likely to talk all over everybody else, for example. It helps keep us partially sane.
I think the funniest form of this, you often hear is, the ever popular, ‘Not that I would have accepted, but…they should have at least offered to…pay, reciprocate, etc!’ It kind of screams your motivation was about getting your ego stroked, not kindness or generosity.
There are a couple of jackasses like that in the office at work. They seem to be in a race to loudly declare “bless you” after someone sneezes. If the sneezer doesn’t respond to it, they glare and sulk as though the sneezer was an ungrateful bastard.
I must admit I get narked if people don’t give me a ‘thank you wave’ for such a gesture - but I realise that’s because I live in a city where everyone does it, so someone who doesn’t is being, basically, deliberately impolite.
Letting people out is a kind gesture which also helps the world keep moving - it’s in all our best interests. The ‘thank you wave’ is the currency for that kindness.
I accepted long ago that everyone was raised with a slightly different set of standards when it comes to manners, and very different levels of offense if they perceived others had violated some subtle rule. Consequently, I try to be kind within and adhere to the manners I was taught, if that’s not good enough for someone else, ah well! It really doesn’t serve anyone to go around tut-tutting and tsking, too much negative energy.
Then there’s the person who holds the door for you when you’re an unreasonable distance away (for instance, near the bottom of stairs leading to the door), making you feel like a bad person for not hustling to the door to avoid holding them up.
These folks are part of a group I call SHSs (Shit-Headed Samaritans).
If I hold a door for someone and don’t get a thank you, it’s no big deal. I’ll do it again, I just think that person is a little rude. So what, the next one isnt. But what gets me is when people expect “thank you” for when they stop doing what they shouldn’t have done in the first place.
On two occasions only a few days apart, once in Costco and once in a grocery store, two other customers (happened to both be women) were blocking the isles with their carts turned sideways. On both occasions I was standing there just waiting to get acknolwleged that I can’t get by them and the other person moving their cart so I could get by. On both occasions it took maybe 10ish seconds before they moved. When they did I just went by, no eye contact or acknolwegement on my part and I got a rather loud “you’re welcome” from each of them. I responded back with “I don’t thank people for stopping blocking the isle that they had no business blocking in the first place”. In the one instance, she just shrugged it off, in the other I got ripped up pretty good but I just kept walking away pushing my cart, letting her spout off her abuse.
IMHO, it’s quite one thing to thank someone for doing something a little special for you out of the blue but quite another to expect to be thanked when you’re put into a position for having to stop boorish behaviour.
I see this in the same category as people who demand an apology - if a person has to be coerced into saying “I’m sorry”, how much sincerity is in that declaration?
This reminds me of something I hadn’t thought about in years. I was starting college, and it was registration day. Someone held a door open for me as I went into the large building where class registration was taking place, but I was so overwhelmed by the chaos and confusion that my eighteen year old self didn’t even notice. I was on major sensory overload.
The man holding it open shouted out “you’re welcome!” at the side of my head as I passed through and I remember jumping to one side in fear. He was smirking at the reaction he got.
Looking back, he was probably holding the door open for a cute eighteen year old for the purpose of trying to pick her up and when he didn’t get noticed, he got pissed off and yelled. Douchebag.
Yes, and doing it right. Once my then-3yo nephew giggled “you thanked her and she thanked you!” “Yes. But we thanked each other for different things: she thanked me because, by shopping there, I am one of the people who make it possible for her and her family to eat. And I thanked her because, by making this food available to us, she and her coworkers make it possible for us and our family to eat.”