Instant Parenting: Please, Please Help!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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Parenting Special Needs - Message Board
http://www.delphi.com/ab-specialchild/start

Parenting of Adolescents - MB
http://www.delphi.com/ab-parentteens/start

Parenting of K-6 Children - MB
http://www.delphi.com/ab-childparent/start

Family Internet - MB
http://www.delphi.com/ab-famnet/start

Special Education Parents Cafe - MB
http://www.delphi.com/ab-specialed/start/

Teen Advice (for teens by teens) - MB
http://www.delphi.com/ab-teenadvice/start/

The New Homemaker
http://www.newhomemaker.com/

If you need any help with general parenting, or just someone to talk to, you can ICQ me @ 9038105.

Best of luck to you! It may not be easy, but hopefully it will be rewarding. It sounds like those kids really need you.

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First, I want to let you know how impressed I am with the task you are taking on. You have my admiration.

Next, some book recommendations: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish have written several books which I have found extremely helpful. They are How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk; How To Talk So Kids Can Learn, At Home and In School; and Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too.

I’m assuming, given your age and the fact that you haven’t yet had children, that you probably haven’t done a lot of thinking yet about how you are going to parent, so it is difficult to know where you might best find advice that will be helpful to your particular situation/lifestyle. I haven’t spent a lot of time at parenting sites, except for one. Most of them (ParentSoup, and the like) are a bit too mainstream for my tastes. The one site I found that I like is http://www.hipmama.com. It is, with exceptions, generally a non-spanking, attachment parenting, open-minded kind of place. There have been some interesting discussions lately about dealing with pre-teens and teenagers.

As others have said, be honest. If you don’t know how to answer a question or a request, say so. Don’t try to bluff your way through. They will respect you more for your honesty. Let them know that this will have to be a learning process for everyone involved and that everyone will make mistakes along the way.

Also, this is going to add a great deal of stress to a new marriage. Don’t forget to take time for yourselves.

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Brunetter:

Everyone’s been so helpful with all the advice, but I’ll put in my twopence worth.

While your MIL is still alive, make sure to take care of all the legal paperwork required for you and your hubby to take guardianship. Adoption issues aside, you need to become their legal guardian so you are authorized to deal with legal/medial issues for them. I can only assume that your MIL’s paperwork is all in order.

In your particular case, the concern isn’t just about becoming a guardian to pre-teens. That would already normally be a handful. But because they are losing their mother, they are experiencing some traumatic grief. As you learn about parenting, might I also suggest you learn as much as you can about dealing with the loss of family members. YOU have to cope, as do your husband, but for the young ones it’s terribly difficult.

*Stability is going to be extra important right now. Will they have to go to a new school? That means they have to make new friends. If at all possible, try not to move around until they’re out of high school. They need a stable home, the same school, the same friends.

I realize you’ve only been married a year. By taking on the responsibility of these two children, you have also made a commitment to your husband for another six years, minimum. After having their mother leave them, they do NOT need to be in a family where the guardians/parents are bickering about leaving. Whatever it takes, Brunetter – be it counseling or whatever, keep your marriage together.

Depending on your money situation, you might need to look into starting a college fund, too. You need to sit down with your husband and discuss the re-adjustment of household finances.

Most importantly, (and I cannot emphasize this enough) – there will be MANY times when the two will test you to your limits. They will be angry at the world, and angry at God for taking their mother away. It is very likely they will at times lash out at you in a very hurtful way. Just remember when that happens, that it’s part of the natural process. Keep in mind however, that this does not give you the right to raise them without discipline. Find out from your husband (or your MIL, if she can speak) what sorts of limits were placed on the children (and your husband growing up). Do NOT let them run around with bad kids just because you don’t want to hurt their feelings about losing friends. You and your husband both need to keep a unified front to make sure you set strict guidelines and limits with age-appropriate discipline. You need to help them stay on track because they are at a real vulnerable age right now to derail. The next few years are critical.

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I knew you guys wouldn’t let me down! So much great advice, and so many hugs helped me make it through this very difficult day. I’ll try to respond to as many of you as I can.

Many of you mentioned not “trying to replace their mother” or “expecting them to call you mother”. I certainly have no such expectations. Their mother is a very special person in all of our lives, and that is something that I would never try to take away.

Pick your battles … yeah, I can see how this one is important! I tend to be a bit controlling, while their mom functioned in a state of chaos. So there will be a major period of adjustments for all of us!

Struuter asked if they know I love them and am not going anywhere. Actually, that conversation took place today. My husband went and talked to them, letting them know that I am going to be there “just for them” and that they can come to me with anything. I think that made them feel a little safer.

Dropzone, fortunately for me, they already have a dog :slight_smile:

Iampunha, I can’t believe that story about the teacher! That’s just TOO fucked up. Fortunately for these boys, their mother is a counselor, so she is always very straightforward and honest with them, and they do have the added advantage of being a lot more in touch with their feelings than most boys their age, as they have been encouraged in that vein. Many of the other issues you raised, have already been dealt with: I have been a prescence in their lives for over three years now, I didn’t just show up last week. So we already have a fairly good relationship (yay!). And I did stress to them that I am there to take care of them because I love them and want to make sure they are happy and safe, no “burden” talk at all.

SqrlClub, that gymnastics story sounds like my childhood! You can rest assured I will do my level best to never let these kids down in that way!

Duck Duck Goose, I really like your take on things. I read a parenting book by Barbara Coloroso that was along the same lines … have you read it?

Shirley, thank you so much for the advice. The letter thing is a good idea, and I think I will talk to my husband about that. You’re right, something like that will be worth its weight in gold in coming years.

Lolagranola, (et al) thanks muchly for all the websites!

Robinh, thank you for the book recommendations! I love to read up on things I don’t know about, I find it a great way to learn. Thanks!

Baglady, the paperwork is taken care of. There is a very close friend of the family who works in Legal Services and she is in charge of making sure that department is taken care of. Many of the things you have mentioned, are my biggest concerns! Thank you for the wonderful advice.

Thank you all for responding. I am feeling a lot better about all this! It’s great to know there are resources out there when I need them (and I will!)

Any more advice, just keep it coming … I am going to print these all out and keep them!

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Wow. Brunetter, what you’re doing is amazing. Best of luck to you!

One of the most important things you can do is let the boys talk. Don’t deny them their grief. I know you’ve already said that you won’t, and that their mom is a counselor so they’re in touch with themselves. But, five or ten years down the road, if they still want to talk about how much they miss their mom, let them. Don’t tell them “it’s time to move on,” or “why are you still dwelling on that?” They will miss their mom for the rest of their lives. You can help them keep living, and you can help them cope, but the death of their mom is something they will never completely get over. The pain will never go away, but it will get less bad.

As others have said too, routine, routine, routine. Having that routine to come back to will be good for them. It will be something that they can count on. Don’t be so structured that there’s no room for flexibility, but try to keep to some kind of schedule for some things.

The all-time most important thing you can do, though, is be there. When they need to talk, listen. If you happen to be in the middle of something, either a) let what you’re doing wait, or b) let them know that what you’re doing must be finished now, but you will be available shortly, and then be available shortly. Kids know when you’re blowing them off.

And don’t be afraid to get counseling, for them and yourself. This is a hard, hard thing you’re dealing with, and there are professionals who specialize in grief counseling.

(((Brunetter)))

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Let me just say this - so far, and in general, and in all ways, my wife rocks! (perhaps rocks in the not the right word, but I will call later and tell her all the right ones)

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Laz - thanks for the update. Keep the news coming!

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I know it’s a totally different situation, but when I moved in with Tark he already had three kids: 11, 10 & 10. I was only 21.

You have every ounce of good will I can spare speeding to you wherever you are on wings of copper and mercury. Best of luck. Best of love.

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Don’t be too nervous to have fun. Otherwise,everyone has had great advice. guide them, but don’t let them run free.

I second the parentsplace website,my wife reads a lot of the boards there. Great place.

Good luck.

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Yowza!!

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Brunetter,

All the advice you’ve gotten sounds good to me.

I’ve never been a parent, but I can tell you a little bit about learning-disabled kids after watching my mom struggle with my little brother.

Both my brothers were adopted out of a home with a lot of abuse and instability, and my little brother had (has) some serious problems with reading, math, cause & effect relationships - we think it might be fetal alcohol syndrome but that’s another story.

Mom used to help him with his homework every night - sheer torture for both of them. Through love and dedication she was going to DRAG him out of his disability and help him overcome it. She did a great job, and a great thing, but she got very frustrated with him, and she got into this pattern of always trying to “correct” and “improve” him every time he opened his mouth, when sometimes he just needed a big hug and a “I know this is hard sweetie, and I’m proud of you for trying.”

I don’t know if this helps at all, but just remember it when you are in the homework wars: when it gets really hard and frustrating, just stop and give him a big hug before you start again.

I’m your age, and I’m floored at the amazing, difficult, and important thing you are taking on. Some other stuff:

Don’t be afraid to let them f*** up sometimes. They will, and you can’t always fix it for them. It doesn’t mean that you are letting your mother-in-law or humanity down, and it’s not your fault.

Do whatever you have to do to keep your marriage really loving and solid.

Good luck - it’s an understatement.