Instant Parenting: Please, Please Help!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I haven’t said much about it, but still some of you on the board may know that my mother in law is dying. This is tragic for many reasons, but one of the most prominent is that she has two young boys (12 and 13 years old) still at home. After much heart-wrenching, the decision has been made that my husband and I (we are 25 & 26, and have been married under a year) will take over guardianship of the boys.

For the time being, Mom is still at home - pretty much bedridden, with homecare taking place round the clock. I am moving into the house for the sole purpose of looking after the boys, sometime this week. Unfortunately, my husband is away at school right now, and so I am taking this on myself for the next few months.

I am absolutely terrified.

School starts in just 4 weeks, and I’m sure anyone would agree that they need as stable an environment as possible in order to focus on school - especially the younger one, who has some level of learning disability and needs a lot of help and encouragement to get his work done. I have never been a parent before and just don’t have a clue where to begin! Let alone the fact that these kids are going to be grieving pretty heavily - their Mom is a single parent and has been very involved with them every step of their lives.

I am very scared about this huge responsibility being put on my shoulders - I love these kids so so much and don’t want to let them down. I feel so utterly unprepared for the task at hand!

I am hoping that you can share some tips on the following subjects, or even point me towards a message board about parenting, etc:

Helping Kids with Grief
Learning Disabled Children
General Parenting

Thanks in advance for your help.

2

well, I admire you for taking this on - I’ve talked to too many people who only want to take on the responsibility of children in “perfect” situations. oh well, that doesn’t help you.

Don’t expect them to call you mom. Pretty sure you didn’t assume that, but, ya never know.

One of the best things I’ve learned is “pick your battles”. everyone has an idea of what’s right and wrong and good and bad in raising a child, but you really don’t need to have a pitched battle about absolutely every detail - I knew a woman who believed that milk was the only appropriate drink at a meal and ended up having these screaming matches with her step son (at age 12, only like 6 years younger than her) about his choice to have pop instead.

try and keep routines consistent. Bedtimes, meal times etc should be around the same time. let the kids make as many possible decisions as they can on their own. I’ve seen parents still picking out the kids’ daily clothing when the kid was 12.

Let them grieve in their way. let them know you’re available (I’m sure you’re doing this)

be prepared for outbursts. These do NOT necessarily mean that you’re doing something wrong. they are an expected result of having pre teens around.

be involved in their life - know who their teachers are, if they play sports, it means a whole lot if you go to the games and practices etc.

that’s all I can think of off the top of my head.

best of luck to you.

3

Wow. Is there any way you can get into support groups? General parenting tips, or reasons why I consider my parents my friends:
A.) They knew when I wanted advice and when I just wanted them to listen.
B.) They trusted me.
C.) They never made me do anything or go anywhere that I really didn’t want to go or do, under the theory that it would only ruin the experiance for the entire family.
You’re doing a brave thing, hon. I wish I had some magical advice to make this easier on everyone, but the best I can come up with is to wish you the best of luck.

4

It’s hard for me to add to the advice that wring and Swimming Riddles have already given you, but I can think of two things: Make sure they understand that you are not replacing their mother, and you want them to remember her and hold her memory close to their hearts.

Also, sometimes a hug is what they’ll really need, even when it seems most inappropriate. They’ll be scared and feeling alone and helpless, and a quiet, warm hug can do wonders.

Good luck…

5

Oh man. You are a special person. Remember that.

As for help, you might try your hospital. There are usually some very helpful classes/groups available through medical facilities.

As for general parenting tips? Well you’re a sister to these boys. It’s going to be different. I would recommend a daily re-affirmation of your love and acceptance of them with the understanding that you know a little more about life than they do and they should take advatage of your experience instead of being alienated by it. I know it means something to my kids that I tell them they can talk to me about anything. I try not to push it–try to trust them to know when they need me…but if they look like they’re not dealing I step in. You’ll be amazed at your intuition kicking in.
Do they know you love them and aren’t going anywhere? That’s probably a good start.

My mom told me the only way she got through her kids’ adolescent years was to remember not to take anything we did personally. We were just lashing at the one person we knew it was safe to do that to.

best of luck and my prayers are with your mother-in-law and family.
struuter

6

Brunetter,

I would recommend trying out sites like http://www.ivillage.com . They have a lot of resources there. Also, if you happen to have access to AOL, they used to have a great area for parenting. Everything from message boards, 'net resources and chat rooms.

Although I have not used AOL for that specific purpose most of the communities over there can be very helpful. Also, you may want to discuss this situation with a counselor. You may not think there can be much help in that but you are entering into difficult territory and need all the resources you can find.

Good luck and keep us updated on your situation.

7

You have a hard (but very rewarding) road ahead of you. I don’t even know where to begin. All you can do right now is provide as much stability, understanding, and love as you possibly can. (And it sounds like you’re off to a great start.) If it’s possible to get counseling for the boys, I’d do it.

It’s hard enough going through puberty under normal circumstances, but they are also dealing with the illness of their mother and the certainty of losing her. I can see your job as a parent as a tough one. They may have trouble in school; they may withdraw; they may act out in school and at home. Read all you can and talk to a professional (even their pediatrician is a good place to start).

You’re off to a good start. Remember to take care of yourself too. Parenting is exponentially harder when you are exhausted.

Please let us know how it is going, Brunetter. Your family is in my thoughts. Give those boys a big hug for me - no matter how much they say they don’t need one, they really, really do.

8

First, a big hug for you. This is truly a selfless, loving thing you’re doing, and think you’re a terrific person for taking this on.

Second, the advice above is all excellent I think. I’d like to reiterate what has been said about support groups as well. You could even start with a Yahoo search on “parenting”.

Best of luck, B, I’ll keep you and yours in my thoughts - can keep us updated. I’ve found that the people here can be unbelievably supportive. :slight_smile:

9

Well, mangled THAT. AND keep us updated. I’m sorry - it’s being one of those Mondays…

10

Without reading the other posts, my advice is to make the situation and yourself known at school as soon as possible.

Also let them know that you will be there to protect them, guide them, shelter them, and love them, but you have no intention of becoming their mother. They already have a great mother who got them this far and you don’t want anything to take that away from them.

Other than that, expect the grieving process to take years. It will come in phases and sometimes the most unexpected things will set off anger or sorrow. This mixed with the normal adolescent mood swings could keep you on your toes.

On a lighter note here’s my sisters philosophy on raising teens: Act very disappointed at things they do for attention (bleaching hair platinum, piercing belly button, etc.) so that they don’t think they need to do something worse for your attention. Her 16 year old just dyed his hair tips platinum and she’s trying really hard to pretend that it bothers her.

11

Oh, I just thought of something else. On http://www.parentsoup.com (an ivillage board) there is a board for grandparents raising grandchildren and also boards for step-parents. You might not fit exactly in but they might be able to give you ideas about how to handle certain situations. I don’t know those boards personally but all the people I’ve met on ParentSoup have been really nice.

12

One thing that is fairly practical in the long run for you is to NOT adopt them as your own. Not because you don’t want them but because several college grants and scholarships are available to children whose parents died. These are not necessarily federal funds (there are some but I can’t think of their names offhand but they aren’t sponsored directly from the Department of Education like most other federal financial aid.). I would do some quick searching beforehand by making a call to the Financial Aid office of the local colleges. :slight_smile: This doesn’t preclude you and your husband from helping the kids out in college if you see fit.

A piece of advice from a former juvenile delinquent (never was caught being bad…heheheh) is to just listen to the kids. Put some restrictions on them until they are older. Like not staying out until 4 in the morning or play with the microwave with dangerous or beloved objects (I can’t tell you how many times I put lightbulbs in the microwave to watch them light up…or would explode vegetables). After that, make sure that they know that you love them and they are not burdening you even when it is really frustrating. And if all else fails send them to an orphanage (I hate kids).

HUGS!
Sqrl

13

{{{{{Brunetter}}}}}

It chokes me up to hear your story. Yeah, people think I make that sorta thing up, but it’s true.

I can’t offer anything more in general tips, but I’m great with specifics and I have kids around that age. I know it’s my standard line and kinda sounds trite, but you know where to find me or any of the rest of us.

Oh, one thing. You and your husband will have to work extra hard on taking care of each other. Don’t let the added tension ruin your marriage.

And get a dog. No, not for the kids. I just think everybody should have at least one dog. They really do have a positive psychological effect.

14

Let me add my admiration for you and your husband. You are two very brave and special people for taking on this job!

Someone has already recommended iVillage - I like the message boards at ParentsPlace best, they seem to be the busiest and attract all sorts of people. The URL is http://www.parentsplace.com/messageboards .

As for general advice, I have thankfully never been in such a position, and my kids are still small, so be prepared for all of this to be wrong. I would definitely talk to the boys’ school(s) about this - they need to know, and they might be able to point you to resources in your community. Expect them to regress (which means to do things you’d expect from younger children) and to act up, but that doesn’t mean you need to put up with bad behavior. In the long run they will feel more secure if you keep the rules as close as possible to what they’re used to. Actually that goes for pretty much everything - this is no time for any more changes in their lives if they can be avoided, so try to keep family routines and rituals as close as possible to what their mother did when she was well.

Get help, for you and for them. Talk to any parents of preteens or teens that you know. If you don’t know any, try to find some (IRL or on-line). See if you can get counselling for the boys - they’re going to need help to get over their grief, since our culture doesn’t give boys their age much of a chance to express sorrow.

All my best wishes to you, your husband, and the boys.

15

  1. Try to find out as much as possible about their day-to-day lives, so that when you move in you don’t create a big mess of complications.

  2. Make the move-in as low-key as possible. You don’t want to strain this family, and when their mother dies, any strain you put on her they’ll see as part of the reason of her death.

  3. You must stress to them that her sickness is not their fault. They had nothing to do with this. I say this b/c when I was in third grade my teacher got cancer and she told the class that it was because of us that she got sick. I found out this was not the case some time this past year.

  4. You’re not going to be a perfect parent, so abandon that thought right here :slight_smile: That said, you’re already doing better than a lot of people by admitting you aren’t perfect and opening yourself up to the advice of others.

  5. Right now, they see you as their sister-in-law (unless I am mistaken). It will take a lot for them to see you as anything else, I think. It will be important, as well, for you to stress that you didn’t draw the long straw . . . IOW, that you chose to care for these boys and that you are doing to because you want to.

  6. There will be stuff they don’t want to share with you . . . certainly I’d be like that at their age(s). As a woman, you’re automatically excluded from some guy stuff, and you may want to (read: will want to) open them up to communicating with your husband about this stuff. Don’t use the excuse “I’m your sister. You can tell me this stuff” because it may well backfire.

  7. Don’t try to bribe them into being your friend. They’ll smell it a mile away. Just try to be a good human.

That’s about all I can think of for now.

16

I should also add that I lived with my sister in several different stints for a total of about 2 years when I was growing up. The last thing is if you say you are going to do something do it (unlike pick me up from gymnastics which my sister didn’t do after running around for 2 hours and being completely exhausted and hungry I had to walk three miles home because I wasn’t on a busline. RRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! To make things worse she was home drinking.). Being fair minded that way helps a lot.

HUGS Again!
Sqrl

17

Okay, here’s the Official Duck Duck Goose Instant Parenting Course, for twenty-somethings who are about to assume custody of a couple of pre-teens.

Number One Piece of Advice, good for all situations: Talk to them exactly as you would talk to a member of your peer group. Treat them like grownups, not kids, and you will have much better long-term success. This means that you explain things to them. If the reason why you can’t take them to McDonalds is really because you can’t afford to drop $25 on it, tell them that. Don’t be vague, or worse, pointlessly authoritarian–“because I said so.”

Yes, there’s a time and a place for “because I said so,” because you are dealing with minors, but pause and consider how many times you would ever say that to a member of your peer group. Then leave it in the box for emergencies.

That’s really all I can tell you, babe. I’ve got a 16, a 13, and a 10 here right now, and I can’t imagine being in your shoes, taking this on.

You are doing a truly astounding thing, I want you to know, comparable in my experienced parental mind to, say, somebody deciding to go around the world in a hot air balloon, blindfolded.

P.S. Don’t get a dog just as a prop of some kind, that’s not fair to the dog. But yeah, a good dog occupies a unique niche in any family group. If you’ve got room, both in your house and in your group, definitely consider it. But get the kids settled in, first.

18

Brunetter

Sorry I don’t have any advice better than that already given. I just wanted to express my admiration for you and my hopes that things will go well. With your attitude, you’ve made the best start you can (IMHO).

grem

19

Reading over my post, I realized that what I was trying to say was, don’t feel obligated to turn into Instant Mom and Dad, like Ozzie and Harriet Authority Figures. With your ages so close to the kids’ ages, I think you’ll have more success if you think of yourselves as an alliance, survivors together in a lifeboat, rather than “Mom, Dad, and two kids”. It puts me in mind of those groups of kids where the parents are dead and the older kids basically raise the younger kids. You don’t see much of that anymore, what with foster care, etc.

This way, also, you’ll hopefully avoid a lot of big battles over things that happen just because somebody feels a need to flex their muscles a little bit. If you explain it right, they’ll see that they’re actually only rebelling against their own team’s rules.

And the two of you will feel more free to be exactly who you are, instead of feeling you have to role-play as Ozzie and Harriet.

I hope this is making sense.

20

You are one incredible lady to do this!

I’ve skimmed over the other members responses ( no offense folks, I’m suppose to be mowing the lawn right now) and Squirrel came up with a really good one, don’t offically adopt them because they may qualify for college loans and grants in the future. Damn good piece of advice. When things settle down more, you can do some research into this an give the kids some kind of safety net.

Swiddles had a couple of excellent points. Short, coherent and to the point, none of which this post is :slight_smile:

There will be times it will be hard and very scary because it is new to you.** Remember two things: Patience and education. **

An educated person ( and parent) is less likely to spaz out over the little things ( you will discover for yourself what the little things are and what the big things are. This falls under the chapter of: Pick Your Battles) Read read read, ask a lot of questions to parents you respect and admire.

Since there isn’t a huge age gap between you and these boys, if you think of yourself more as a mentor than a parent, it may help you out. After all, it’s not the age that is so varying, it is the experience.

Also remember that there are things that are really big issues to them that you, me and the fence post know are just small potatoes in the long winding bumpy road of life. But to them, they are HUGE and try not to blow them completely off, but don’t allow yourself to become completely sucked into a hormonal emotional hurricane that kids can just pull you into. They have to learn to weather somestorms in life. Try to be their port that they can come to anytime things get rocky. ( Wow, look at all those metaphors!)
These kids will be going through alot of grief. Some lash out, others withdraw. If they lash out, they need to rechannel their energy in a positive way. Painting, writing, yard work, I dunno. We just were ordered to mow the yard no matter what our crappy feelings were. And in reality, mowing the grass is quite therapeutic. :slight_smile: If they withdraw, you need to gently pry them out of their shell. some kind of cancer survivor class/group thing will help you out. (They didn’t have that kind of thing when I lost my dad - or maybe they did, but we didn’t know about it.)

Do expect the holiday seasons mood to be quite terrible for a couple of years. Maybe after a few Xmas’s, plan a trip or a special holiday event that can help them overcome their grief.

I am a huge proponent of planting a tree in honor of someone after they pass on. Doing something like this will help keep their spirit alive in a positive way.
Having your mother in law write down ( or you write down for her) the things she would like for her children ( good manners, education, respect others, the rules or whatever) may help them when she is finally gone.

This is a bit morbid and odd, but that is pretty much who I am as my life has been defined by death and morbidity,but I would have given anything for such a thing. If your mother in law is up to it, have her write letters for her children to be given to them when the graduate high school, college, get married, have children. You know, the milestones that she will be there in spirit for. Then you can give it to them on those days when the sun in setting low.
They don’t have to be long winded or anything, just vagueness entertwined with emotion. " My dearest bobby, I wish I could be there today to see you graduate from high school. I know you worked very hard and have overcome alot in the past few years to reach this milestone in your life. I know it hasn’t been easy, me dying on you was not planned and I know Brunetter and your brother have done the best they can being put into a situation that they could never have possibly imagined…"

As for parenting advice, I have only two adages that I can share with you ( for free!)

1> Never miss an opportunity to take a pee.
2. I’ve learned more from a bad parent than I have from a good parent.

Remember, if you ever have any questions, concerns or problems, you know that the folks here always have open arms and are willing to give you their two bits to help you weather the storm.