I am (not really) starting a business that will arrange for a celebrity to insult you. The insults may be direct, or for a bit more, they can be subtle and elaborate. Most people will order a video of the delivery, but for a lot more, you can receive your insults face to face.
(We do not approve of individuals buying insults on other people but cannot be arsed to double check that the buyer will be the recipient.)
My first selection for a celebrity is Werner Herzog. His videos are a bit more, though, because we have to record him trudging across rugged ground while chewing you out.
We are currently negotiating to get Gilbert Gottfried, but that is not a certainty.
From the range of famous people, who would you most enjoy being insulted by?
Sadly, he seems to be unavailable. Last I heard, he was eternally sparring with Don Rickles, who was refusing to respect him. We only use celebrities who we can get.
Jimmy Carr seems to be doing apretty good job as an insult comic (insult host?) I don’t know if he is so easy to digest because he looks so slick, or if it’s because he can take a joke when theythrow back at him*.
*He was caught up in a huge tax evasion thing in 2012. He still gets picked on about it in almost every appearance since, and he always takes it well.
It would not have to be an insult comic. Werner Herzog is a crusty German movie director who I think could probably present insult material to great effect. Harlan Ellison, as mentioned above, probably could as well (watch Dreams with Sharp Teeth), except, he is not really a reader. I think he could do well if he cared, but a script might not work.
Lydon would be a fine choice. I remember years ago he had a confrontation with Derryn Hinch, now senator formerly self important, blowhard broadcaster. Hinch was so well known that his Twitter handle @HumanHeadline comes from his nickname in the 80s.
Lydon was staying at the same hotel as Hinch and, while having breakfast, overheard him complaining loudly about the behavior of a young child in the dining room. Lydon launched into a tirade, pointing out that the culprit was just a kid having fun and suggesting that Hinch pull his head in. Hinch was so impressed by the abuse he apologised to all concerned.
Do athletes count? Then I’ll pick John McEnroe. He has proved many times that he’s an expert for glorious tantrums and a competent insulter. I love the guy.
I am developing a companion charity. We will develop a cadre of famously curt women who we’ll then pay to call misogynistic sexual harassers and reduce them to quivering jellies. The list should include Dame Maggie Smith, Judy Dench, Whoopie Goldberg, Sofia Loren and Fiona Shaw. Angela Merkle would be a great asset but we’ll probably have to wait until she retires.
As for me, I’d say Morgan Freeman would be the most effective. I’ve “known” him since toddlerhood after all, when my favorite show was “The Electric Company.”
ETA: For subtle and elaborate I’m thinking Anthony Hopkins. I’m betting he could do a real subtle scathing like nobody else.
