“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.”
“Isn’t it fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings?” – David Niven, at the 1974 Academy Awards, after being interrupted by a streaker.
“You’re dumber than snake mittens!”
Otto West: Don’t call me stupid.
Wanda: Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape?
Otto West: Apes don’t read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes they do, Otto. They just don’t understand it. Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not “Every man for himself.” And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
“Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?”
Groucho Marx
Ned Flanders: Calm down, Neddly diddily diddily diddily, doodily. They did their best shodaiddily iddily iddily diddily diddily. Gotta be nice, hostidididildilidilly ah HELL DIDDILY DING DONG CRAP! Can’t you morons do anything RIGHT!?
… [shocked gasps]
Marge Simpson: Ned! We meant well, and everyone here tried their best.
Ned Flanders: Well my family and I can’t live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family’s out of control, but we can’t blame you, because you have gooooooooood intentions!
Bart Simpson: Hey! Back off, man!
Ned Flanders: Ooh okay, duuuuude! I wouldn’t want you to have a cow, maaaan! Here’s a catch-phrase you better learn for your adult years: “HEY BUDDY, GOT A QUARTER?”
Bart Simpson: I am shocked and appalled.
Lisa Simpson: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn’t do anything.
Ned Flanders: Do I hear the sound of butting in? It’s gotta be little Lisa Simpson! Springfield’s answer to A QUESTION NO ONE ASKED!
… [Chief Wiggum laughs]
Ned Flanders: What do we have here? The long, flabby arm of the law! The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars!!
Krusty the Clown: [writing it down] Mallomars, oh that’s going in the act!
Ned Flanders: Oh, yeah. The clown, the only one of you buffoons who doesn’t make me laugh!
… [to Lenny] And as for you, I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re a jerk!
Lenny: Hey, I’ve only been here a few minutes! What’s going on?
Ned Flanders: [to Moe] You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I… um, what was the third thing you said?
Ned Flanders: Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met.
Homer: Hey, I got off pretty easy.
Timon of Athens (Act 4, Scene 3)
“I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.”
[used this in the Trek thread, oh weel…]
KIRK: Of course you don’t understand. You don’t have the brains to understand. All you have is printed circuits.
SPOCK: Captain, if you’ll excuse me.
KIRK: What can you expect from a simpering, devil-eared freak whose father was a computer and his mother an encyclopedia?
SPOCK: My mother was a teacher. My father an ambassador.
KIRK: Your father was a computer, like his son. An ambassador from a planet of traitors. A Vulcan never lived who had an ounce of integrity.
SPOCK: Captain, please don’t
KIRK: You’re a traitor from a race of traitors. Disloyal to the core, rotten like the rest of your subhuman race, and you’ve got the gall to make love to that girl.
SPOCK: That’s enough.
KIRK: Does she know what she’s getting, Spock? A carcass full of memory banks who should be squatting in a mushroom, instead of passing himself off as a man? You belong in a circus, Spock, not a starship. Right next to the dog-faced boy.
You know nothing, Jon Snow.
If you have ever - like me -
Missed the R and hit the T,
Addressing some fat blister
As Mt. instead of Mr.,
I trust you left it unamended?
Splendid!
~Ogden Nash
Eddie, it’s me your old pal, Seamus McFuckyourself!
Yo’ momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
Tony Soprano: I think it’s time for you to start to seriously consider salads.
Bobby Baccilieri: What do you mean?
Tony Soprano: What do I mean? I mean get off my car before you flip it over, you fat fuck!
The Jerk Store called and they’re running out of YOU!
-G. Costanza
The way I hear it, you couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a fucking boat.
You always were an asshole, Gorman.
You despise me, don’t you, Rick?
If I gave you any thought, I probably would.
Google is failing me, or, more likely, I’m failing it, but I remember a snippet of a Congressional hearing on TV, wherein a undersecretary of something was squirming in the hot seat, maybe about the '08 crash, and he said (paraphrased)
‘Honestly, Senator, I don’t know how we could be working any harder.’
Which got him,
‘I don’t have any doubt you’re working hard; I’m wondering who you’re working for.’
Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offenses
by Mark Twain
I told my college English professor that I’d read Cooper had declared after reading Pride and Prejudice, “I can write a better book than that!”
My professor said, “No. No, he couldn’t.”