John Dickinson: What’s so terrible about being called an Englishman? The English don’t seem to mind.
Benjamin Franklin: Nor would I, were I given the full rights of an Englishman. But to call me one without those rights is like calling an ox a bull – he’s thankful for the honor, but he’d much rather have restored what’s rightfully his.
John Dickinson: When did you first notice they were missing, sir?
My wife’s cooking–does toast have bones?
–Dangerfield
• If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
• Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
• You’re so fake, Barbie is jealous.
• I’m jealous of people that don’t know you!
• If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
• You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.
• Please shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.
• You have Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
• Your mind is on vacation but your mouth is working overtime.
• Shock me, say something intelligent.
Jim Cornette, heel wrestling manager
[ul]
[li]If brains were gasoline, you wouldn’t have enough to power a flea’s motorcycle around a dew drop![/li][li]Rick Steiner is so stupid, he once stayed up all night to study for a urine test.[/li][li]Hulk Hogan, you are a household word but so is garbage and it stinks when it gets old too.[/li][li]Baby Doll’s been on her back so often, she’s got “Sealy Posturepedic” tattooed on it.[/li][li]Konnan couldn’t draw money if he was dipped in Elmer’s glue and dragged through Fort Knox.[/li][li]You couldn’t believe him if his tongue was notarized.[/li][li]He’d rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.[/li][li]Thank you. Fuck you. Bye![/li][/ul]
If brains were black powder he couldn’t blow his own nose.
–The Stand
I don’t know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself.
-Lewis Black
Nancy Astor: If you were my husband I would poison your drink.
Winston Churchill: Madame, if you were my wife I would drink it.
Nancy Astor: You are quite drunk.
Winston Churchill: And you. madame, are quite ugly. And in the morning I’ll be sober.
The late Johnny Carson used to dress up as “Carnak the Magnificent” and pretend to answer questions inside an envelope. When the crowd groaned at some less-than-successful joke (or more often applaud when the last joke was announced), Carson/Carnak would glare and pronounce a curse on the audience…
May a camel with a weak kidney condition find your hope chest.
May you be forced to visit a near-sighted proctologist.
May a diseased yak squat in your hot tub.
May a weird holy man drop a cactus down your shorts.
May your Perrier water be secretly bottled in Tijuana.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?… try spelling Evian backward.
-George Carlin
If I want any toilet paper I’ll ask for one of your pamphlets. ( What I said to some Christian freak who was proselytizing me and handing me his unwanted literature ).
Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.
He is so old that he gets nostalgic when he sees the Neolithic cave paintings.
I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
To Someone Obese:
Don’t go swimming, you might be harpooned by someone thinking you’re a whale.
Fat Customer: I want my money back. These shoes you sold me are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I only wore them once and they split at the sides!
Al Bundy: Well, let me explain. See, it’s just like an elevator, there’s a two ton weight limit on these shoes. What say I nail the soles directly to your feet? It’d give you more traction when your pulling the ice wagon!
Fat Customer: You’ll be hearing from my attorney!
Al Bundy: Is that the law office of Häagen and Dazs?
In answer to the question “What’s she got that I don’t have?”
“What she’s got you can’t spell, and what you’ve got you used to have.”
I think this was from the movie The Barefoot Contessa. Too lazy to look it up. I’m so lazy…
A theater review: “He played the king as if he expected someone to play the ace.”
Dorothy Parker department
[ul]
[li]He’s a writer for the ages… for the ages of four to eight.[/li][li]If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.[/li][li]She looks like something that would eat its young.[/li][li]The only ‘ism’ Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.[/li][li]Do me a favor; when you get home, throw your mother a bone.[/li][li]That woman speaks eighteen languages and can’t say ‘no’ in any of them.[/li][/ul]
Heckler: Tell 'em all you know, Al. It won’t take long.
Governor Al Smith: If I tell 'em all we both know, it won’t take any longer.
You know what you are? You’re an ass-half. It takes two of you to make an asshole.
Madonna threw “shade” at the rapper Drake. She had taken him by surprise by kissing him onstage and was roundly excoriated for it when a clip showed him looking shocked. She got back at him when she was asked if he was any good: “I kissed a girl, and I liked it,” she replied.
You, sir, will die either on the gallows, or of a loathsome disease.
That must depend on whether I embrace your principles, or your mistress.
Regards,
Shodan