Unknown Comic (on The Gong Show): Hey Chuck, come here. I want to tell you a joke that will make you look stupid.
Chuck Barris approaches him.
Unknown Comic: Oh, I see you’ve already heard it.
Does your face hurt? Because it’s killing me!
“I don’t positively hate you all of the time.”
– The Razor’s Edge, by W. Somerset Maugham
Kneebiter.
Jeor Mormont: Honor made you leave, and honor brought you back.
Jon Snow: My friends brought me back.
Jeor Mormont: I didn’t say it was your honor.
Winston Churchill and George Bernard Shaw traded famous insults for decades.
Shaw once sent Churchill tickets to the opening night of his play, and said “Here are two tickets – bring a friend – if you have one.” Churchill replied “Sorry, I have an engagement that night. I’ll come the second night – if you have one.”
“She means well.” (From R. R. Knudsen’s Zan Hagen novels. The ultimate insult in them.)
You are such an interesting man when you are in denial. E.Tedrow
Ladies and Gentlemen, you are under no obligation to laugh. However, if you don’t, we have a brand new audience warming up in the basement.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech – every now and then she stops to breathe.
–Jimmy Durante
You know what, Mom? You know what I’m going to get you next Christmas? A big wooden cross. So anytime you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it!
Dennis Hopper, when asked why he’d acted in SUPER MARIO BROTHERS, had one hell of a comeback for his son: “I did that so you could have shoes.”
His son replied, “Dad, I don’t need shoes that badly.”
Your casserole was almost good.
If my dog had a face like yours, I’d shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards!
At least I know who my daddy is…
Oh, go gargle with razor blades. from talk show host Joe Pine.
I swear, I’ve scraped things off the bottom of my boots that were smarter than you.
Yeah, you LOOK like the kind of guy who steps in dog poop constantly.
Well, you smell like one.
You’re like the end piece of a loaf of bread; everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.