We all have them: some slightly interesting or unusual way of saying something ordinary. It doesn’t have to be brilliant, or hilarious, or even original (although I’m not talking about tired cliches, either). Just something to put a slight twist on normal conversation. Here are a few that I like:
Don’t say: “You’re a slob.”
Say: “Were you raised by wolves?”
Don’t say: “We’re in trouble.”
Say: “We’ve just lost cabin pressure.”
[Someone asks to borrow a pen from you]
Don’t say: “Sorry, I don’t have one.”
Say: “Do I look like I’m MADE of pens?”
Don’t say: “Our plan is starting to come together.”
Say: “Our plan is starting to congeal.”
Don’t say: “We made a mistake.”
Say: “We fumbled.”
Don’t say: “We’re in trouble, and we need major help.”
Say: “We need to call in the air strike.”
Don’t say: “Go to the store and get milk.”
Say: “Were you going out anywhere?”
Don’t say: “WHAT, YOU’RE NOT OUT OF BED YET?? YOUR RIDE WILL BE HERE IN 10 MINUTES, DIDN’T YOU SET YOUR ALARM, OH, SO YOU SET IT AND YOU WENT BACK TO BED, WELL, THAT WAS DUMB, WASN’T IT, AND WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS EVERY MORNING, I DON’T THINK IT’S FAIR THAT WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING THROUGH THIS, YOU’RE CERTAINLY OLD ENOUGH TO GET YOURSELVES OUT OF BED IN TIME FOR SCHOOL…”
Say: “Are the girls up yet?”
I do this to my husband ALL the time! Especially when I’m craving a fountain Coke and I’m too lazy to go get it myself. But he’s a sweetie and will usually go get me one even if he had no plans to go out.
Don’t say: “I don’t like you.”
Do say: “You, [madam or sir], are a teratomatic paramecium swimming through the gonorrheally infected fallopian tubes of a genetically-modified-cheese-eating, crack-sniffing, Donahue-watching, gangrenous strumpet.”–matt_mcl
Don’t say: “This thread makes the baby Jesus cry.”
Say: “This thread precipitates the expected lachrymose outburst from the infant scion of the Almighty.”
Don’t say, So-and-so is dumb
Say, they are on the other side of the bell curve
The funny part is that you can say this when they can hear you but they won’t get it.
Don’t say, that idea won’t work
say, that’s a non-optimal solution
This is good for when your boss suggests something pointless.
Don’t say: “Take a flying f*ck at a rolling donut.”
Say: “You are cordially invited to engage in aerobatic intercourse with a horizontally motivated pastry.”
Not: “Do you want something to drink?”
But: “Would you care for a beverage?”
Not: “Do you need to pee (before I get into the tub)?”
But: “Do you need to use the facilities?”
Not: “I have to use the bathroom.”
But: “Oops, gotta pee.” (joke from an old cartoon entitled “The entire thought process of a puppy”: [nose to the ground] “what’sthatwhat’sthatwhat’sthatwhat’sthat oops, gotta pee what’sthatwhat’sthatwhat’sthatwhat’sthat”)
Not: “Kiss me, you fool!”
But: “Gimme a sa-mooch!” (To which the proper response is, “I will give you a sa-mooch <smooch>!”)
