I say: D’oh!
instead of: Crap!
and: writing implement
instead of: pencil or pen
I also like to say “yoink!” whenever I snatch something.
Don’t say “You stupid f*ck!” Say “Were you born ignorant, or have you been taking the stupid pills?”
Don’t say “Are you crazy?” Turn your head to one side and yell “Nurse! She’s out of bed again!”
Whenever someone asks, “Have you seen John Smith?”
Don’t say: “No.”
Say: “Was it MY turn to watch him today?”
That’s a standard reply in our office.
Don’t say: That was dumb.
Say: You’re on acid.
Don’t say “I’ll be right back.”
Do say “I shall return.”
Don’t say “I’m going to the restroom.”
Do say “I’m gonna use the little (whatever your occupation is)'s room.” (I tend to say “I’m gonna use the little comic’s room.”)
Don’t say “Are you two going to show me what I’m doing wrong?”
Do say “Why are you (point to one) here? Is your job to translate English back into English?”
Don’t say: Goodbye
Say: I gots ta go, I’m a busy man and dat crack don’t smoke itself!
Don’t Say: you need to be more clear
Say: you need to condense fact from the vapor of nuance
Dont say: “are you ever going to get off your ass and do something?”
Say: “Would you like to do the dishes or mop the floor?”
Dont say: “damn I never shoulda had those beans for lunch”
Say: "Mr. Miamouse what did YOU eat for lunch?
“Your one-track mind just had a derailment.” – I need to figure out when I can use this one…
“For pi’s sake.” - Means ‘for Christ’s sake’ – long story behind this one, lost in the sands of history.
“Having a sinister bellcurve.” - being stupid.
“Pulling a (person’s name).” - doing something incredibly foolish. I normally use my own name when using this idiom.
One way I know of expressing displeasure in a social situation is to pantomime gnawing one’s arm off. It’s a take on a badger’s tendency to gnaw trapped limbs off. I used it today when my sister was bothering the heck out of me.
don’t say: "Hey baby wanna screw?"
say: "Nice shoes!"
Works every time.
don’t say: "Mama, those black tight-ass fuck-me pants make me wanna jump your bones, like, right now!!!"
say: "Hey, Tori Amos’ music speaks to me, too. Want to get some coffee?"
…or applicable (as is my case)…
When asked to define a word I have used in a conversation.
WRONG: define the term
RIGHT: Do I look like a fucking dictionary?
After investing in tech stocks, I am no longer in possession of a receptacle for the purpose of micturation nor any means of defenestrating the aforesaid.
Wrong: I have to piss.
Correct: I have to see a man about a horse.
BTW, can anybody explain that euphamism for me? I remember the first time I heardit …I was at a job interview, and the interviewer said “I need to see a man about a horse…do you need to also”? I had no idea what the hell he meant…so said no. Guess I grew up in a cave…but what is the origin of that phrase?
Hey, I did this just the other day!!!
Don’t say, “Oops, I accidentally cut off the breakers to the entire house instead of just the 220 line that the dryer uses, so we’re going to have to reset every clock in the place and pray that the computers aren’t dead…”
Say: “I accidentally rebooted the house.”
Don’t Say: You’re a jerk!
Do Say: You’re a bad, bad man!
Don’t say “I’m confused”
Do say “I’m disco-bobbled” (from discombobulated)
Don’t say “I don’t give a rat’s ass”
Do say “I don’t give a rodent’s rear”
Don’t say “Snapple”
Do say “Snaps” (“Gotta go buy me some Snaps”)
Don’t say eyeglasses
Do say “specs”
Say: “Consume defecation and utter gutteral canine cacaphonies in the general direction of the lunar orb”
Don’t say: “…eat sh*t and bark at the moon”
when you catch someone being stupid, “are you on crack?” works nicely for me.
someone tells you they are about to do something you know they arent say “yeah ya aren’t” bleh to sleepy gonna take a nap
Don’t say: This is a bad situation you have gotten us into…
Rather: “Looks like a trap” I said. “Nonsense”, you said “who’d put a trap way out here in the woods?”
[sup]Compliments of Gary Larson[/sup]
Don’t say: Gotta run!
Rather: Gotta pop smoke!
[sup]Military slang: using a smoke grenade to cover your escape[/sup]
Don’t say: Let’s go.
Rather: C’mon, Dusty, let’s ride.
Don’t say: That was dumb.
Rather: That was pushing the stupidity envelope.
Don’t say: I want to get laid.
Rather: I need to find some mud for my turtle.
Don’t say: Close the window.
Rather: Squeeze the breeze, please.
and here I always thought the correct answer was… YEAH wasnt that cool! I didnt think this car could go that fast!!