Instead of: “She’s dumb.”
“She needs a check-up from the neck up.”
Instead of: “She’s dumb.”
“She needs a check-up from the neck up.”
rather than “ohh, she IS a bitch”
say “well, SOMEONE needs a chlorine gas capsule in her car…”
“you make a better door than a window”
don’t say “you’re blocking the TV”.
Yeah… two more I heard on old radio shows but haven’t personally heard anyone else say:
Don’t say “He’s a really big guy”
Say “He’s not exactly a scale-model”
When someone says “you can’t do that”,
Don’t say “yes I can” or “watch me”…
Say “I can do a pretty good impression”
Many say: Gang colors
I say: clothing of “questionable cultural significance”
Many say: In Jail
I say: Guest of the County
Many say: Tired run down looking person.
I say: Tore up from the Floor up.
Many say: Lengthy Unproductive Discussion
I say: Analysis to Paralysis
Where one might be tempted to say: MOTHERF***ER!
I’d say: OEDIPUS!
Drachillix:
Love it!
Instead of “I’m going to party”
“I’m dressed up to get messed up” – courtesy Roomful of Blues.
Don’t say: “I doubt that’s gonna work”.
Do say: “Can I suggest you first of all shove butter up a porcupine’s ass with a red hot poker, because it’s a lot more practical than [whatever has just been proposed]”.
Don’t say: “I couldn’t care less”.
Do say: “Right, I think I saw something about that on a website, www who-gives-a-shit dot com .”
Don’t say: “That’s never going to happen”.
Do say: “Hey, watch out for a forthcoming edition of Oprah, all about how to make money by selling crack cocaine to kids. Because when that show airs, that’s the day it [whatever has been suggested] is gonna happen”.
Don’t say: “You’ve failed the audition”.
Do say: “I regret to inform you that on this occasion you have failed to bottle lightning”.
When asked “How are you?”
Don’t say: “Fine”.
Do say: “I am operating within normal parameters”.
When asked “How are you?”
Don’t say: “Fine”.
Do say: “I am operating within normal parameters”.
When someone asks: “Whassup?”
Don’t say: “The sky” or “Nuthin’”
Do Say: In or toward a position conventionaly regarded as higher.
That’ll leave 'em cornfused(compliments of rayniday)
When you sneeze:
Don’t say: “Ah-choo!”
Say: “Horseshoe!”
When somebody’s rushing you:
Don’t say: “I’ll be there in a second.”
Say: “I’ll be there in microfortnight.”
My favorite was Clinton’s classic:
"It depends on your definition of “having sex”
It was a yes or no question. 
Instead of saying “No”, say “Nuns on the ripple”
This thread is almost SIXTEEN YEARS OLD!!! And you brought it back for THAT???
You people were REALLY corny 16 years ago!
Scoutmaster (looking around): “Hey, what happened to Mitch?”
Tiny little Cub Scout: “Well, when he was little, his mom dropped him on his head…”
Darn, I never notice zombies!
When the apocalypse starts, you might want to start running away long before I say “Hmm, something’s not right…”
After 16 years, I still use that line. Surprising how many people say “What happened to…”
If someone asks: When will that report be ready?
Don’t say: I’m just about done.
Don’t say: When I’m damn good and ready.
Don’t say: I’ll let you know.
Don’t say: Any minute now.
Say: In the fullness of time. (with patient facial expression)