I’m very introverted, while my husband is an extrovert and his girlfriend is even more of an extrovert. It shouldn’t have to be a big deal but it will take at least one serious conversation about boundaries and needs, for both of you.
In my case it was a learning experience for me and him. I had to learn to be assertive, express my needs, and compromise so his needs are met also. He had to learn that my need to be alone wasn’t personal and didn’t mean I loved him any less. It was awkward, and honestly took several conversations before we really understood each other, but was a good chance for us to grow without resentment.
Luckily his girlfriend has many many introverted friends and she’s going to school to be a therapist, so she already understood before she and I even met. Our conversation was more like her telling me she knows I’m an introvert and that’s totally cool, so just let her know if I need some space or quiet time and she’ll go do something else no problem.
Give her a chance to understand before you give up on having a peaceful home.
“… your husband’s girlfriend?” Wha-? shrug Meh, none of my damn business anyway.
Thanks for the input and advice, everyone. I, too, am curious about this hamster ball cartoon.
I wrote the OP in a fit of irritation, so I probably came across as being more prickly to my friend & now-roommate than I am IRL. I should clarify that my problem isn’t “routine questions” but more things like her calling me over from the other room to ask me if I think she should use the green rug or the purple one in her bathroom. (I don’t care, it’s your bathroom … !)
Anyway, you’ve all given me some points to consider. Thanks!
Your wish is my command. Hamster Ball I am particularly fond of the bit where the guy is hissing as someone says ‘come out!’ That is so my niece. “Come out!!”
Also, you are going to be spending some time with her. More time than you want. Can you make a decision about WHEN you are going to do that, and HOW MUCH TIME you are going to give?
I know you don’t want to, but it looks like it is going to happen anyway. If you can communicate clearly to her that you WILL be available, WHEN you will be available to her, and for HOW LONG you will be available, then it gives her some structure and gives you the rest of the time off.
I think some sort of basic signaling system is in order. Something you can hang on your door, and have her respect, a do not disturb sign that tells her that you really need to be left in peace right now. Bonus points if it’s a piece of clothing, like a hat or something, so you can wear it around the house and not be trapped in your room all the time.
You might try watching a TED.COM video by Susan Cain about “The Power of Introverts”. It’s 19 minutes long and speaks beautifully to how introverts operate and what it does and doesn’t mean.
Have you told her explicitly that uninterrupted time to yourself is a necessity for you? It’s unfair to expect her to just guess that it’s the case.
Both my husband and I roomed with our best friends. Even your BFF is not a mind reader, or an automatic expert on how you like to be treated when you’re sharing space. You have to work out ground rules, and discuss these things–preferably before they become a problem, but you can get a late start and still work it out.
My husband’s BFF flat-out told him from the outset, “There will be times I will ask you to pretend I’m not here.” And his friend did that, from time to time. He would say, “Until you hear otherwise, I’m not here.” And my husband complied with his wishes. Friend didn’t expect my husband to magically know when he needed space.
It worked out great because he was willing to communicate his need, and my husband was willing to accommodate it. I hope your friend will be that understanding.
The thing is, that feels like a “routine questions” if you are a person who uses conversation as a way to show affection and interest. There’s no way she can intuitively know which things it’s okay to talk to you about when you are sitting on the couch reading or watching TV, and which things will annoy you and make you think she’s being needy and clingy. So every time you are both in shared spaces, she’s going to feel tense and unsure and worry she’s annoying you by breathing.
Indeed. There is a reason why I, as a big extrovert, have always decided to live alone. It’s mostly in regard to the fact that I really like watching TV and generally like to be absorbed in the show and not have to constantly pause it and go back, and I want to have a decent sized TV to watch shows on. That doesn’t particularly work in a bedroom. If I’m in a living room, I’m basically signaling I’m ok for conversation. When my ex-gf was living with me, she’d constantly want me to pause the show so she could chat about something, which annoyed me to no end.
Anyways, the issue with not wanting to be bothered while in the shared space is something that I don’t think is workable.
