Introvert moved in with needy best friend: seeks Doper advice

In My Humble Opinion
1

Help me figure out how to keep my mental health AND my friendship?

I moved into a shared 2/2 recently with one of my closest friends, and so I’m already spending more time over at my boyfriend’s place now. Why? Because when I’m home, and my friend/roomie and I are both awake, every ten minutes it’s “hey, Puuuuuuurple?” She wants to ask me something; she wants to tell me something; most often, she’s figuring something out (“do I want that object placed up on that shelf, or in this box?”) and simply wants to talk through it. Out loud. With me. Constantly.

I’m a classic introvert. I’ve lived alone the last couple of years, and before that, for a decade I lived with my late husband, who was even more introverted than I am. I have one cat, who is also quiet and friendly but not clingy. My job requires me to be courteous, friendly, knowledgeable and helpful, and I’m damn good at it, but to come home and then not have so much as an hour to myself without overtly shutting the door and becoming a hermit is starting to really weigh on me. But shutting the door come across as unfriendly, so I know I’d soon get a knock and an “is everything alright?” if I did that. Besides, my bedroom is little and the tv is the shared living room. I don’t wanna have to shut my door all the time!

She’s out of town this weekend on an annual visit to relatives, so 1.) I’m absolutely relishing having the place to myself, and 2.) the contrast is making me realize how much the general situation is unsustainable, and 3.) this particular opportunity to have a couple days to myself at home won’t repeat until the lease is up.

I need your help getting that all through to her, or one of these days very soon the next time I hear “Purple? Hey, Purple, you got a sec? {launches into monologue}” I’m going to SNAP at her, and we have a long and affectionate friendship I really don’t want to fuck up.

Some minor clarifications, which can be safely skipped by the TL/DR crowd:

The guy I’m seeing is heavily into a brand-new game, so when I’m over there I can have my nose in a book, surf the Dope, fuss with my beading supplies, channel surf etc. in peace and quiet. (He’s “ignoring” me with my stated blessing; hell, I’m the one who got him the damn game, as my birthday gift for him, knowing it would suck up a significant amount of his worknight evenings. I usually sit nearby and we reach over and rub each other’s shoulders or he’ll play with my hair or whatever, in idle moments. It’s nice. That part is not a problem for me.) Unfortunately his place is quite a drive away from mine, and I don’t have a car right now, so I can’t just pop over.

I don’t have kids, I’ve never wanted kids, and no small part of that is not wanting to be directly responsible for that relentless damn neediness babies and kids have. Some of my irritation is feeling like I wound up with one anyway.

She has few local friends and just started a new job, so she doesn’t have much of a support network besides me. I don’t, either, but the big difference is that I’m ok with that that. In fact, until somewhat recently we saw each other every week or two for a couple of hours and that was really the sum total of my non-work face time with all people, and it was fine by me. Now I’m seeing this guy I really like AND she’s vacuuming up all of my at-home time, so weirdly, me being at his place is the only way for me to get some downtime alone. But I wanna be at home! My home, with my own bed, and my pets, and just my own space.
All advice, suggestions and general psychoanalysis welcome.

2

Instead of hoping to change your friend, can you move to your own place?

3

Not for another eleven months at least. So specifically, I’m seeking advice for help for the next almost-year.

We had a lot of solid, practical reasons to do this, which I don’t really want to detail here. But we both needed to move, period, and we save significant money living together – neither of us is on the most stable financial grounds right now.

4

I think you have to take some ownership in making a bad roommate choice. Trying to change her to less chatty will be as successful as her changing you to less introverted, I suspect.

You need to find a way to deal with this situation as it is, so both of you can be happy.

I think you need to be honest with her. Be adult but gentle, overly kind in your wording and give her time to process it.

Tell her you’re used to living alone, weary from job interaction, at heart an introvert, accustomed to more quiet time, less constant chatter. Own that maybe you two could find a mid ground to keep everything comfortable for both of you. Maybe she could text a friend for the constant design choice approval? Maybe you could declare a ‘much more quiet’ 90 min decompression period every day, 7-8:30pm? Maybe you could create a signal, so she can recognize when you’re just needing alone time, no chatter? (A special t shirt, a funky scarf or hat?)

You’ll need to work together, I think, if you want to make it work. That means speaking up, owning your part, bringing suggestions to the table, and being open to her suggestions.

Good Luck! It doesn’t sound simple or easy, but I do think it’s doable!

5

She’s not really a close best friend if she doesn’t know that you’re introverted and need your “me time”.

My oldest sister is a high extrovert. She’s just as extroverted as I’m introverted. We’ve never had to live in the same home since we were both kids, but if we did have to be double-up now, I know she’d be respectful. Because she knows exactly how I am with my boundaries. We always talk about the differences between introverts and extroverts.

You’ve got to say something like “Hey, friend, there’s nothing wrong with me when I have the door closed. It’s just my way of creating a quiet space so I can unwind after the end of the day.”

And if she wants to chit-chat the moment you step into the apartment, say, “Hey, girl. Can we talk in an hour? I’ve been talking to folks all day and I’m fried. I just need a chance to catch my breath.”

If this doesn’t work, you need to be straight up with her and tell her that you’re an introvert, which means “peace and quiet” for you means having a two-three-hours every day where you don’t have to talk or be “on”.

Since you’re living with someone you knew upfront was an extrovert, you’re going to have to compromise too. She shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells or be afraid to ask you questions. It’s gotta be just as hard for her to live with an introvert (not taking your aloofness personally) as it is for you to live with an extrovert.

6

I agree with this: before anything else you need to make sure you understand that she’s not “needy”, she just has a different frame of reference. You are probably doing stuff that’s making her feel snubbed, excluded, and rejected, but she’s biting her lip because she understands that that isn’t your intent–but it feels that way to her. So remember, an introvert can be a PITA too.

There’s no quick way through this. It’s going to be a series of long boring conversations full of statements like "I feel X when you . . " and extraordinary care not to come across as blaming the other person, or giving the impression that the other person is the one doing things wrong and who needs to change. It’s about coming up with signals and patterns both people feel comfortable with. But if your financial situation is going to be shaky for a while, it may well be worth the effort to work this out. And in any case, you’ll learn a lot about human nature and relationships in the process, and that’s never wasted.

7

Agree with the inputs so far. Two grown-ups can have an adult conversation about different personal styles, needs, and wants. If one of the two isn’t a grown-up the problem will be (much?!) harder to work through.

I got the impression this is two people who leased a new place together. So the apartment isn’t any more one person’s than the other. If so, that can be very helpful for the OP to stand her ground as an equal co-owner of the situation.

If instead the OP moved into the existing home of the extrovert the dynamics are a bunch different. The good news is the OP has the nuclear option since she can always say: “Change *this *behavior or I move out.” But for any conflict short of that, the OP is stuck fighting uphill against the extrovert’s “I was here first. My place; my rules” presumption.

Good luck. Have the adult-to-adult conversation sooner rather than later. The longer the *status quo *prevails, the more it will be the default and anything else will represent scary artificial change.

8

I have the same dilemma, only it’s with my husband. We are complete opposites when it comes to our need for social interaction and it’s required a ton of mutual acceptance and compromise.

My husband really didn’t get the whole introvert/extrovert thing. We had to have some very honest conversations. I actually made him read some articles on how introverts function because he was taking my need for alone time very personally, and he seemed to think it was a personality flaw.

I had to learn to be more assertive about my needs too. Now I will say things like, “I had a stressful day at work and I really need to recharge for an hour or two. I’ll be in the bedroom watching tv/reading/knitting.” And he knows not to bother me and that it’s not personal. We negotiate ahead of time how much socializing we do on weekends because he knows I’m not a fan of having surprise get-togethers sprung on me. And he knows that he can go socialize without me occasionally and it doesn’t mean we love each other any less.

9

As an introvert with two children who want to talk to me all. the. time., I feel your pain. I think you’ve gotten a lot of good advice upthread. Basically, explain to your roommate that sometimes you need to be left alone. You said that your room and small and there is no TV, but that may still be a good way to let your roommate know that you don’t want to be disturbed.

I’ve seen a couple of good infographics for how to treat introverts and extroverts. I think they are mainly geared towards parents but are also good to keep in mind generally for both introverts and extroverts.

10

Moving in with people means you have to shut the door if you want to be alone. That’s just a reality. You aren’t going to get your alone time in the living room.

If you really hate your bedroom, try going on walks or something. The one thing I’ve learned over the years is that every time I’ve lived with a roommate, I’ve been miserable. I’ve countered that by cultivating a lot of stuff to do that gets me out of the house.

11

This is going to be an almost impossible needle to thread without her being pissed at you in some fashion as she will as perceive it (and accurately so) as you telling her to please STFU. When much younger and sharing domiciles I had overly chatty roommates and “leave me alone” roommates and to be frank as annoying as talkative roommates can be a reclusive, introvert roommate is often kind of an energy sucking dark cloud to be saddled with so the road goes both ways. A lot of the responsibility for this situation falls on you for not discussing your hardcore need for solitude before jumping at the shared rent deal. You largely created this mess with your silence so the onus is on you to be accommodating.

Re

You effectively want to have your cake and eat it too re having a BFF roommate to share the rent and also effectively have as little interaction with her as possible. You’re kind of forcing her to walk on eggshells with you.

I think you need to tell her that you simply need some quiet decompress time after work and close your door for that period. That’s your alone time signal but once the door opens be prepared to chat. Work with that scenario until you can move. Other wise it’s just going to be a simmering cauldron of resentment on both your parts.

12

Echoing the other advice. It really is possible and necessary to say “Friend, I like you a whole lot. I think you know that I am someone who really craves alone time so that I can decompress and not feel insane. But I also know that it’s not fair to either one of us if I were to lock myself in my bedroom all night every night. Is there a compromise we can reach that will give me some quiet time in the apartment but won’t make you feel abandoned, or like you’re living with a stranger who hates you?”

In my experience, people tend to be really good about trying to work out compromises when they understand the parameters.

13

The other thing you might consider is improving your bedroom. I absolutely agree that you can’t expect her to know when it’s okay to talk to you while you’re on the couch and when it’s paining you. And it’s awful to be, say, in the kitchen doing dishes and feel like the very noise you are making is pissing off the introvert on the couch, or to not know if it’s cool to ask a routine question. Unless you can get a graveyard shift job, you aren’t going to be able to be “at home” in the living room. But, honestly, neither is she. Do you think she’s wearing pants all the time for her own benefit?

“Living” in the living room is for couples and people who live alone. Seriously. You probably lived in your bedroom in high school–it was your primary space–but as an adult, you’ve adapted to the other type of bedroom, the “room to sleep in” bedroom. So adapt back to the teenager mode. Maybe swap a double bed for a twin, making room for a comfy chair and a TV. Decorate. Even if this is a pretty big investment, if it makes it possible to live with a roommate for a couple years, that’s huge savings.

Then make sure your roommate understands that all that time in your room is about your need for solitude, not about being mad at her.

14

You use terms like needy and clingy and say your friend is “vacuuming up” your time. It sounds like now that you are exposed to her at length, you don’t really like or respect this person. Telling her you consider her a pest and yourself an introvert–which is at worst, a neutral term these days–will probably hurt her feelings.

What if you were around someone even more introverted than you? Maybe you are at your boyfriend’s house and he’s playing his game and you reach out to rub his shoulders or you suggest maybe he take a break for dinner, but he just wishes you’d shut up and quit bugging him. What could he say to make you understand that he’d really prefer you not attempt to interact with him more than once every six hours or so and that he will let you know if he wants to have a conversation of any kind?

15

Yeah, you need to figure out how to explain that you are simply two different personality types and that needs to be accommodated. You will need to chat with her more than you want, and she will need to give you downtime. Show her that cartoon featuring the hamster ball.

We’ve been dealing with this in our family between cousins. My 12yo has a same-age cousin who is a full-on extrovert; she constantly has the excitement and chatter turned up to 11. My quieter, slightly introverted kid finds this exhausting after a day or two and needs some downtime. Extrovert cousin has had to learn to give some space; my kid has had to learn to ask for it while understanding that it’s just two different ways of being.

16

I agree with others that you need to explain to her your needs. Bring it up casually, not when you’re frustrated or annoyed. Perhaps say something like, “Oh yeah, Pal, I hope I haven’t been coming across as aloof and terse lately. It’s just that the main way I recharge is by having healthy doses of a quiet time alone. So if you see the door closed, don’t assume anything is wrong with me, okay? I’m totally fine, just getting my hobbit on.”

Having a “it’s me, not you” self-deprecating attitude about it should keep her from feeling slighted. So will acknowledging her need for social interaction. Making an effort to talk after you’ve obtained your alone time is only fair.

Perhaps over time you’ll find yourself more tolerant of her chattiness. Often frustrations like this stem from bottling up our feelings and not saying what needs to be said. If you get this off your chest and she receives it well, it is likely you’re feel a lot better even if things don’t change radically.

17

I’m an introvert having a chatty friend over at my small place for 11 days. I wasn’t sure I would survive this long (she hasn’t checked on me for almost one hour…knocking on wood). Good luck with your 11 months.

18

IME, it’s difficult for such people to grasp the concept. And they need to chat and socialize as much as we need them to shut up and leave us alone.

What is this hamster ball cartoon? I might give it a try.

19

Another introvert agreeing that you’re going to have to talk to her. What might help (as Sahara Tea suggested) is to email her some articles contrasting the two personality types. That way she won’t think you’re “weird” or something.

20

You said it better than me. Living rooms in a shared housing situation are public space, like a dorm lounge or a hotel lobby. In my experience, they tend to be lightly used, mostly for things involving guests. Most living in group housing happens in bedrooms.

And you shouldn’t feel bad about hermitting up. It’s normal shared housing behavior.