Bear with me, I think this turned out a bit longer than I had planned.
In this thread someone said “And it is really rude to discuss plans in front of someone who has not been invited.”
I agree with this and it relates to a dissatisfaction I’ve had with facebook since I’ve started using it to create events and invitations to casual or not so casual gatherings.
For those unfamiliar, facebook allows one to make Events where they can post details and invite their friends. The invitees have the option to RSVP.
Events come in three modes. The first is open, where any of your friends can see the event on their news feed and can join the event. The second is closed where the event is still visible on all of your friends news feeds but only the administrator of the event can invite people. The last is secret where the event only shows up for those who have been invited and only event administrators can invite people.
While the events function of facebook is very convenient I always feel somewhat awkward using it. For one, I rarely host events where anyone and everyone is invited so I would never create an open event. Secondly, I think that a closed event is rude just as it would be to discuss plans in person in front of someone who was not invited. Finally, I feel that making an event “secret” gives it an air of exclusion and sneaking around that just wouldn’t come up if people were invited in a more conventional way.
So here comes the opinion part. My girlfriend is of the opinion that the rudeness of having a closed event is fairly scaled down from a real life interaction and that people who use facebook understand this difference. Here’s what I’d like to know:
Do you use facebook?
Do you create events and if so what kind?
And finally, are closed events as rude as their in-person equivalent?
I’ve used Facebook for events. Usually I just make them secret but allow my guests to bring friends.
Like you, I don’t really see the purpose of a closed event. I don’t think I’ve ever seen any of my friends use that option either. Either make it open or make it secret. Having a secret event is the same as choosing to call some people and not others. Not a big deal.
Besides, events that require a Facebook invite are usually large-scale events anyway. If I’m inviting a handful of friends over for dinner I’m not going to make it a Facebook event. The last time I used Facebook was for our housewarming party.
I agree with HazelNutCoffee. I only ever create events on Facebook that are either open or secret. And as far as I can remember, those are the only events I’ve noticed other people creating as well.
Hi, above mentioned girlfriend chiming in here. I think that by a certain age, everyone has on, or should have on, their big girl panties. A friend of your’s is having a social gathering and didn’t invite you?? Who cares? It’s probably just a different social circle. Even if that isn’t the case, so what? You are hopefully not attached to your friends at the hip, and for the most part should not consider a Friday evening spent apart as a slight.
If EVERYONE else in your social circle was invited except for you, then there was either an oversight, or your friends are assholes. This however, is generally not the case. I really fail to see what the big deal is.
I hang out with a bunch of science grad students. I am a former arts student. If they all got together to celebrate their collect scientific prowess and geekdom titles, I would not expect, nor want, to be invited.
Do you use facebook? No
Do you create events and if so what kind? No
And finally, are closed events as rude as their in-person equivalent? Yes (but take note of previous answers).
Ice Cream Man, is it just the name “Secret” that bothers you? If “Secret” events were renamed something else, like, I don’t know, “Blind Events” (like bcc in emails), would that be better?
I disagree, I think that adults at any age can feel unwanted and excluded, and someone’s feelings do not have to be justified. The difference is that an immature person will whine and invite themselves along, and a mature person will be quiet and not call someone out on their rudeness.
I don’t use facebook, but I can’t see any good reason to announce on the Internet that you’re having an outing but only certain people are invited. If you personally could care less about who invites you to what then that’s great, but that doesn’t mean that everyone needs to react like you do.
I agree. Most people do understand that not being invited to an event doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is trying to snub you - but there’s no good reason to announce an event to everyone and then only invite a few. Like I said, I don’t see the point of a closed Facebook event - especially when you have the option of a secret event.
If the “big girl panties” theory were true, you should always be able to make the event an open one, invite the people you want, and trust that everyone else will be tactful enough to know whether or not they should tag along. Obviously that’s not true, hence the closed and the secret option.
Is anyone else flashing to the ‘Cartmanland’ episode of South Park? Because that’s what the closed invites remind me of–"…but you can’t come." I don’t use Facebook, but the idea of saying “I’m having a party and I want you all to know, but only Jim, Bobby and Joe can come” just seems incredibly rude.
ZenBeam, that’s what I was thinking. That calling it “secret” is really what “makes the problem.”
If Facebook had three options: open, closed and private, I don’t think we’d have an issue (except still maybe with the notion of closed). Private sounds less evil and exclusionary - it’s just something you want only specific people to view. Secret sounds like you are purposely being hush hush for some reason.
In my experience, most events posted on facebook are “open”, in that anyone who you know is invited to come, and they’re big gatherings, or else a “niche” activity-- I remember someone inviting people to eat moon cakes and watch the lunar eclipse-- where they’re not expecting a ton of people but whoever wants to join in is welcome.
Like HazelNutCoffee, I don’t see the point of having a “closed” facebook event. But I have gotten “evites” to closed events, where the invitation is emailed to you and you can go to the site to RSVP and see who else is going. That seems to be preferable to facebook for events with a pre-determined guest list.
I use Facebook just a little bit. I’m older than the average Facebook user. I think the closed invite option would have very limited usage. I guess it might be OK for events of a very limited scope. For example, someone likes to publicize that they regularly coordinate kayaking trips, but obviously that’s something you really need to know how many people and what level of experience are going to be involved.
I think the closed event option appeals to people’s desire to look popular, busy, and connected. That element of human nature is important to Facebook’s appeal, IMHO. I think it is better manners to sacrifice that opportuntiy for publicity and personal brand-building to avoid hurting the feelings of those who are not invited.