Iron Chef Part Deux

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Fenris:

Since we are dealing with multiple Iron Chefs competing in the same event (which has happened IRL,) if we do not allow ties, than by necessity we will be grading on a curve and one contest must receive a 14!
Better to allow ties, I think, and develop accurate scores representing each meal, than force a grade curve.

I will be very disapointed and angry if my judges seek to hide behind tie scores. Their goal is to judge fairly and accurately. While ties may be possible, especially for 2nd, 3rd, and forth, I will strongly urge that the judges do not use ties, but rather choose a winner.

42

<Black screen with white lettering>
*

“Tell me what you eat,
            and I’ll tell you what you are…”*
                                     Brillat-Savarin
<Voice over by Fukui-San>
<Theme music begins>
Four months ago, a man’s fantasy became reality in a Forum never seen before (MPSIMS) - a virtual cooking arena. The SDMB Kitchen Stadium. The motivation for spending his fortune to create the SDMB Kitchen Stadium was to encounter new original cuisines which could be called true artistic creations.

::Chairman Scylla inspects a small, delicate pastry. He pops it into his mouth whole. He smiles. It is more than acceptable::

Scylla: “ALLEZ CUISINE!”

To realize his dream, he first secretly started selecting the top chefs of various styles of cooking. And he named his men the Iron Chefs - the invincible men and women of culinary skill.

<Dry-ice smoke billowing, four platforms rise at a stately pace as the Iron Chefs ascend into Virtual Kitchen Stadium>

Iron Chef California is Zenster. Iron Chef Cajun (Creole?) is Chef Troy. Iron Chef Scottish is robgruver. And JavaMaven1 is Iron Chef Mysterious!

The SDMB Kitchen Stadium is the arena where Iron Chefs await the challenges of Master Chefs from around the world.

::Chairman Scylla inspects a glass of wine. The clarity is seems fine. He smells it. It has hints and undertones of smell, suggesting subtle nuances of depth. He tastes and again smiles. It is good. ::

All the Iron Chef and have twenty four hours to tackle the theme ingredients of the day. Using all their senses, skills, creativity, they’re to prepare artistic dishes never tasted before. And if ever a Iron Chef wins over the others, he or she will gain the people’s ovation, and fame will meet the Master Chefs from around the world and their artistic creations. What inspiration will tomorrow’s competition bring, and how will the Iron Chefs fight back? The heat will be on!"

<theme music ends, world’s longest commercial break, outside of QVC begins for 20-some hours>

Otah-Fenris

43

[sub]Mysterious? I’m mysterious? And when did I become an Iron Chef? I thought I was just a challenger… a challenger that whipped Zenster last time, but a challenger nonetheless…[/sub] By the way, I guess you’d call my style Rustic California-Mediterranean, but that’s a mouthful.

I saunter into Kitchen Stadium, followed by my entourage of Le Cordon Bleu graduates (blue ribbons flying in the gentle breeze), and collegues from Patina(slowly dragging their chocolate and flour covered selves in). My left eyebrow raises into a high arch when I glance towards Zenster’s direction.

The tension in the room rises yet another notch…

44

I figured that this should be considered a four-way kung-fu-cooking cage match. Since I was unaware of which contestants Chairman Scylla had spent years secretly selecting (because it was secret that’s why), I made the assumption that if Chairman Scylla permitted one to be in this once-in-a-lifetime contest, one could reasonably be considered an Iron Chef.

And “Mysterious”? Your aura of danger and cryptic lack of mentioning a single location for your chosen region (plus your trenchcoat, fedora and dark sunglasses [sub]Carmen Santiago, where are you?![/sub], led me to call you “mysterious”.

And the tension mounts further as Otah-Fenris tries to figure out what the secret ingredients will be.

Fenris

45

SO? Will the heat be on?

46

I and my crack team of bayou boys are champing at the bit! When will the ingredients be revealed? The world waits with bated breath.

I would also like, if I may be permitted an opinion, to suggest that fish sperm would not be a prudent choice as one of the ingredients.

Oh, and Fenris? That’s Carmen Sandiego, not Carmen Santiago.

[sub]btw, Javamaven1, after the show whaddya say we hit the town looking for cute guys?[/sub]

47

Matzoh balls and popcorn?

You expect me to unveil matzoh balls and popcorn to the finest chefs the Straight dope has ever seen?

What are you nuts? This isn’t what I ordered! Take it all back!
Ummm. There will be a slight delay while I flog the producers.

Unveiling will occur at aproximately 9:00 P.M.

48

(Just as an aside, you DO know that “Soft Roe” from MALE fish (I understand the contradiction, but that’s what they called it) was actually an ingredient and the Iron Chef (Kobe, I believe) made “Fish Spooge Ice-Cream”. The BDJ wouldn’t touch it and the old lady (the critic?) gave Kobe a tounge-lashing like you wouldn’t believe

**

::airily::

Oh, I knew that. I was just trying to protect the beloved SDMB, Virtual Kitchen Stadium and my own hairy butt from possible lawsuits from Carmen’s company which is notoriously sue-happy.

Fenris’s brain: <sotto voce> They’re not buying it. Try something else!

Fenris’s mouth: Um…I was thinking of the notorious Oboe Player and Femme Fatale who was a spy during the Crimean War, Carmen Santiago…who’s this Sandiego person to whom you refer?

Fenris’s brain: GOOD TRY! But it didn’t work. Just give up. They’re too damn smart for us.

Fenris’s mouth: crap.

49

Are we at war, or is the elfin Japanese starlet playing coy?
.
.
.
.
.
.
[sub]Oh boy, did I just hand Fenris the straight line of a lifetime?[/sub]

50

::A giant gong sounds. Festive music fills the air of Kitchen stadium. Young girls in spring dresses come scampering from the entrance spreading flowers from their baskets. They dance and twirl most winningly, and then exit.

A figure appears in shadow, head bowed. The spotlight hits the figure and Chairman Kaga raises his head, his trademark smile revealing tens of thousands of dollars of dental work. He is dressed in pink silks decorated with flowers and birds in an odd combination of the modern and the traditional. Upon his head is something vaguely resembling an easter bonnet.

He begins to speak…::

51

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52

The badly dubbed version of this episode of Iron Chef will be airing in one hour.

Please remember. The contestants have until 9:00 P.M. EST. on Fri. the 13th to post their final recipes. If they do so earlier, judging may commence once the final entrant has posted.

To avoid confusion, please label your final entries (full recipes please) as such.

53

::sullenly::
[sub]…ain’t flirtin’ with Chiefie. Can’t make me. Shan’t.[/sub]

Fenris-Kanoh, photography-artiste, gourmand and raconteur

54

My friends, when last we met it was in the depths of winter.
Victory was achieved in kitchen stadium, but also defeat. Despair and humiliation led to a long winter of discontent.

Now though, spring is in the air! The rebirth of life is evident all around us. All religions and all cultures hold spring sacred. It is the season of love, and fertility.

It is also the season of redemption.

With the spring rites of passage and fertility there are a few symbols which are burned into the consciousness of all people, and all cuisines.

::waves hands with a flourish, and two giant containers descend amidst theater smoke::

I present you with

Rabbit and egg!!!

But wait! Here in kitchen stadium we do nothing easy. For our spring themed Redemption/Fertility/Easter contest, we have chosen only the finest.

We have presented you with a variety of rabbit. From the classic and succulent spring hare we move to our more garden variety brown rabbit. There are lop-eared rabbits in the mix as well. Over the last week I have sent my special Kitchen Stadium Ninjas on a mission to the headquarters of Cadbury-Schweppes, and they have returned with several priceless Cadbury Easter Bunnies!

As you all know, the Cadbury Easter bunny makes pecking sounds like a chicken and lays nothing but the finest chocolate eggs. My scientists have examined the genetic makeup of the Cadbury Bunny and found it to be identical in taste to your standard young fresh rabbit. The chocolate is but a wild-card for use at the Iron Chefs’ discretion.

In keeping with Iron Chef tradition, all the rabbits are of course very much alive, so you will need to slaughter them yourself.

The eggs of course are not your standard fare either. These are farm raised giant Emu eggs, each almost identical in taste to grade A eggs you might purchase at a supermarket, their outstanding characteristic is their giant size (being equal to 6-8 large eggs each.)

I feel that this is a great test of the skills of our Iron Chefs, as we search for true culinary works of art.

Judges remember, whoever best articulates the taste of today’s ingredients within a spring themed setting will be crowned champion.

Best of luck to you all.

Allez-Cuisine!!

55

With a wave of his arm, Chairman Scylla unveils the ingredients.

And with his cry of “ALLEZ CUISINE!” the GONG OF FATE rings throughout Virtual Kitchen Stadium. There’s a bit of a rush as JavaMaven elbows the other contestants aside to get to the ingredients. Some minor chaos ensues as the Iron Chefs arrive at the podium.

Fukui and Hattori begin discussing the ingredients:

Hattori: Looks like Chairman Scylla has done it again!
Fukui: Yup. I don’t know how he got those Cadbury Rabbits. Cadbury won’t let 'em out of their sights, especially not young ones!
Hattori: Well, you know Chairman Scylla, nothing’s to good for his Iron Chefs.

The Chefs rush back to the cooking areas and begin barking orders at their sous-chefs.

Big Battle Bunny has begun.

56

I thought about this one pretty hard, and I think there’s a lot of potential for excellence and variety. I hope the Iron Chef’s are pleased with their challenge, and I humbly look forward to what they produce.

57

::silent but annoying camerman Veb shoves the lens right into the tense faces of the Iron Chefs as they react to the announcement of the The Ingredient. The pressure is showing already, as their slightly flared eyes and thinned lips reveal.
Veb scurries after the Chefs as they examine and discard eggs (dropping a few in the melee) and snatch warm, furry adorable bunny wappits from their cosy hutches.
Veb gets a tight close-up of Chairman Kaga’s inscrutable smile, deftly compensating for the weird lighting effects cast by his rhinestone-festooned smoking jacket; pans past Otah looking squeamish at the bunny slaughter and outraged PETA demonstrators attempting to storm the studio::

58

[sub]whoooo boy, am I ever gonna get in trouble for this…[/sub]

I pick up a soft, white rabbit, cuddling it in my arms, stroking its silky fur. I hand it over to my sous-chef, who instantly breaks its neck and skins it. [sub]what would Iron Chef be without the animal carnage?[/sub]

Carefully hand-selecting the eggs, I make sure I pick the freshest of the bunch. I fill my basket with the chocolate, with a knowing smile upon my lips.

59

TVeblen, with her camera, catches me mumbling under my breath: [sub]Kaga, in his infinite wisdom, or foolishness, has chosen rabbit which is traditionally a fall/winter dish, and he expects me to make… grumblegrumblegrumble[/sub] ::Throws a pinch of saffron into a pot:: [sub]just how the heck am I gonna… grumblegrumblegrumble[/sub] ::Gently butcher-ties a rabbit loin and glazes it::

I look up, and realize that I’m nearly done. ::readjusts toque, and smiles::

60

Hattori, talking to Fukui: …so you see, the subtle nuance of Rabbit vs Bunny makes the title of this episode “Big Battle Bunny” inaccurate. While Chairman Scy…

Otah-Fenris: (Interrupts): FUKUI-SAN!

Fukui: What is it, big fella?

Fenris-Otah: I’ve been able to talk to Iron Chef Javamaven, and she’s agreed to a brief interview. In the interests of time, I’ll post the questions in one lump and she’ll respond to them in the same way

  1. Iron Chef Javamaven, can you provide us with some brief information on your background and cooking philosophy?

  2. I see that you’re using saffron in that dish. Will the saffron blend with the Rabbit? I also note that you said you’re glazing the Rabbit. What sort of glaze did you use?

  3. What’s the theme of your presentation going to be?

  4. I understand you said you’re going to crush your opponents like bugs beneath your dainty feet, and that their cooking skills are as nothing before yours. Can you tell us about that?

I will interview the other Chefs as they check in.

Otah-Fenris