Iron Chef part San

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

If memory serves me right, there have been two previous Iron Chef competitions in the SDMB Kitchen Stadium. In the second one, Chairman Scylla stepped down in a blaze of glory. The Teeming Millions showered him with rose-petals and adulation for his work, pleading with him to return, but to no avail.

While we all wish Chairman Scylla the best while he lounges on a private island with his beloved wife and daughter, taking a well-deserved break, there have been rumblings from the Teeming Millions that the SDMB Iron Chef competition continue. I concur.

Therefore, I am stepping into Chairman Scylla’s enormous shoes. I am clearly unworthy, yet someone must do it.

Thus: IRON CHEF SAN[sup]*[/sup]

I am changing Chairman Scylla’s format, somewhat (again, meaning no disrespect to Chairman Scylla).
First: We will have only two people competing at a time.

Second: I have chosen an Iron Chef (should that person accept). Everyone else will be a challenger (unless they defeat the Iron Chef).

Third: The time given to develop and post recipes will be far shorter than Chairman Scylla allowed. I have not finalized a time, but 24-48 hours from the unveiling of the ingredient is my current thought. I will announce the time allowed before the competition starts. I know the time is short, but it is also short on Chairman Kaga’s show. The time pressure is an integral part of the competition.

Fourth: The consistent problem that appeared in previous Iron Chefs was the disappearance of judges. I am going to combine a bit of coercion and bribery to see if we can alleviate this problem. Given the quicker turnaround time, we should be able to do more competitions, thus:
Whoever wins the first Iron Chef competition will be Iron Chef for the next competition. While the first competitor will be chosen from the pool of applicants, all future Iron Chefs will be drawn from the judges. Thus we insure a supply of judges. (If someone wants to judge, but doesn’t want to compete, I happily welcome them)

Fifth: I concur completely with Chairman Scylla’s rule that recipes must be posted.

And now, the announcement that everyone has been waiting for: The unveiling of my first SDMB Iron Chef:

While we have many wonderful chefs on the SDMB, Javamaven1 has won both previous Iron Chef competitions. Thus I chose her as my Iron Chef, should she wish. Javamaven1, please reply here and let me know if you are willing to accept this offer.

We will also need a challenger. Please, challengers: apply and tell us about yourself. One of you will be chosen randomly to compete and the rest can be judges until the next competition.

Who will it be? Who will be the competitor who will go up against the Iron Chef? Will he or she be able to knock the Iron Chef from her previously unassailable perch? Who’s cuisine will reign supreme?

<begin BuuumBUM, bumBUM theme music>

Chairman Fenris, wearing a glittering outfit
[sup]*[/sup]San = Three in Japanese

2

I’d like to apply as a challenger!

I didn’t participate in the previous threads for many reasons (mainly because I didn’t see them… but let’s let by-gones be by-gones, shall we?).

I can cook like a SOB! My proof: I’m fat! And I cook most of my food myself! Need I say more?

Bring it on!

:smiley:

3

As a child my mother would take ground beef, top it with bread crumbs and heat it for an hour. We would have hamburgers on white bread. Her best dish was called “Chili gunk,” and was Velveeta and Hormel over noodles.

I yearned for so much more, and cried bitter tears over the happenstance of my uprbringing.

Then, one day, at a friend’s house, his mom cooked me French toast. I couldn’t believe it. I thought heating and cooking were synonyms.

I had her show me how to cook it, and every day for several months thereafter I lived on French toast.

But, I still yearned for more. Man cannot live on french toast and meat loaf alone.

In my hunger for knowledge, I learned that the best ingredients don’t always come ready made out of cans. I purchased cookbooks by the gross, and experimented and learned, even as I haunted the seedier back taverns of suburban New Jersey, and New York City.

Then, I went to New Orleans. When I emerged four years later it was with a sophisticated, and varied palate, and the culinary expertise to feed it.

I am wise in the ways of the open flame, as well as the black pan. There is no mystery to me in gumbos or cream sauces. Pastries, breads, and cakes spring forth from my brow fully formed. All the fish of the sea are mine to fillet, and all the animals of the world lie down gladly before my sacred butcher knife. The fruits of the trees and the vegetables of the earth dice themselves at a mere nod of my head.

I have retired from my duties as Chairman, because I see a great evil in the world. While Javamaven’s menus are technically excellent, I accuse her cuisine of lacking true soul. It has the cold beauty of the crystal but lacks the spark of life, the organic vitality of the flower.

How can she lead the world to salvation with such as that?

Therefore I have returned as potential contestant. My mission is to restore the life force and depth to the barren womb of California cuisine.

4

I humbly offer my services as a member of the panel of judges, knowing full well that judges have dishonored this competition in the past.

I eagerly read both previous Iron Chef threads, so I am familiar with the rivalries that burn in the hearts of participants. And though I post rarely, I check the boards every day. What better qualification for a judge?

Oh, and I can channel the spirit of that one scary fortune-teller lady. Listen:

“I disagree! This sauce is much too thin! The flavor of the boninto broth entirely overwhelms the pike eel in this dish. I’m disappointed.”

See? I’d be great. I look terrific in a kimono. I won’t let you down. I promise.

5

Sorry, I should have mentioned –

I don’t think I have time to come up with recipes, so I’d rather not compete at this time. But I’ll be there.

6

I also present myself as a challenger.

In the aftermath of the last competition, where I was damned with faint praise by winning third place behind Javamaven and her nemesis, whose name is bitter ashes in my mouth that I am unable to spit forth, I swore to hone my talents and try again.

I am surprised to learn that I have been stripped of my Iron Chef status in the wake of the recent downsizing, but it troubles me not. Frankly I hated the ridiculous outfits anyway, especially that red satin hat shaped like a plush crawfish. I welcome the opportunity to return to cook’s whites and to the roots of my beloved cajun/creole cuisine.

In the interval since the last competition I have returned to New Orleans, the spiritual center of my chosen cooking style. I also have toured more remote cajun communities like Breaux Bridge and Nachitoches, letting the zydeco infuse my blood and the rustic elegance of maque choux and rabbit jambalaya charge my palate.

Frankly, I regard ex-chairman Scylla’s petition for competitor status with distrust. How can anyone be expected to treat this colossus of Kitchen Stadium impartially at the judging time? Besides, I have a score to settle with the lovely Iron Chef. She reneged on her promise to go man-watching with me and left me stranded at a Denny’s with no ride. I urge you to let me prove my worth in single culinary combat.

7

Judge Verrain once again offering his services to the Chairman. I have no facility for cooking only eating, so I would also be a judge not a contestant.

8

I’m just posting here to make it easy for me to keep track of this thing. I’ll try not to get in the way.

9

Nobody, but nobody, can make a mess in a kitchen like I can. And we all know that a messy chef is a good chef. Bring on your strangest ingredient. Bring on the cheering crouds. I am there. Yes, yes…I will do my best.

10

In above post…crouds=crowds. Duh…where the hell did that come from?

[/hijack]

Scylla,
Velveeta and hormel over noodles? You poor soul. That is child abuse at its worst. But at least now I know why you became a republican. :smiley:
[hijack/]

11

I get to be Chairman Fenris’ Iron Chef?

Oh Joy! :smiley:

::does a wild happy dance in her white and blue satin chef’s gear, notices the camera watching her, and regains her composure::

I’m honored. Really, I am.

Scylla: You’ll find that my influences may have changed somewhat. With my new position at a nationally-known Mexican/Nuevo Latino restaurant, I’ve been researching, learning, and absorbing quite a bit of Latin soul.

Chef Troy: Ah, my dear, don’t you remember? We were at Denny’s when you decided to follow that young, tasty little waiter into the kitchen. After about twenty minutes, martini-land really started to call. I hope you got his number. :wink:

Astroboy: I’m looking forward to kicking your… uh… competing with you. :slight_smile:
Fenris: Does this mean that I hafta kiss yer ring now?

12

Yes.

Verrain, welcome back. I am pleased that such a thoughtful, articulate judge could join us! I count on you as the cornerstone of my judges!

Jekira, of course you are welcome as a judge! (and your imitation of the Fortune Teller was frightening!)

Tuckerfan, don’t just lurk! Join in as a judge!

My rules for judges: (Much of this has been borrowed from Chairman Scylla’s second Iron Chef thread.)

“Each judge will be required to post a thoughtful critique of each dish presented” within 24 hours of the end of the contest. Please e-mail me your scores.

“As in the last contest, scoring will follow the Iron Chef concept. Ten points for taste, five for creativity, five for presentation. There will be a maximum total of twenty points.” You may not give the same number of points to both chefs.

I urge all judges to read the thread linked above, to get an idea of what’s expected.

astroboy14, Tornado Siren, Scylla and Chef Troy: You have assembled before me, Chairman Fenris, united in your desire to remove Iron Chef Javamaven from her platform of honor. One of you may succeed.

I will draw a name out of a hat and announce the Challenger later this morning. I shall announce the ingredient this afternoon so that the Challenger may have a few hours to compose his/her self.

The remaining Chefs will act as judges. The following round, another name will be drawn from the ranks of those chefs who judged to fight the winner of the first contest.

To the lucky contestant and the Iron Chef:

The Iron Chef and the first Challenger will have 24 hours to create 4-5 original creations that articulate different aspects of the theme ingredient. Each dish must contain the theme ingredient.

As stated before, recipes must be posted.

Keep an eye on this thread for the announcement of the first Challenger!

Lurkers: Feel free to join in. We can always use more judges. If Chairman Kaga can use 5 judges, I can use more! However, you must volunteer before I announce the Challenger’s name.

Chairman Fenris

13

<I put all the names in a hat and I asked a co-worker to pull one name out.>

:: Drummers are drumming, pipers are piping, brass players are brassing ::

The lights dim. A single spotlight hits me, Chairman Fenris and, with a flourish of my hand, I show the folded piece of paper that has the first contestant’s name on it. I unfold it and glance. My eyes widen slightly. I say “There have been many competitors in the various Kitchen Stadiums. There have been professional wine tasters and street cart vendors. There have been classically trained chefs, and chefs who have been self taught. However, never before has this occured.”

:: A second spotlight points under the Royal Box. A red carpet is unfurled. Several buxom (yet tastefully attired) young ladies emerge, tossing rosepetals on the floor. A man, dressed in full, formal Louis the 14th garb walks out leading a white horse. The second spotlite hits the person riding the horse. ::

“This is the first time a former Chairman has ever challenged an Iron Chef.”

:: Chef Scylla descends from the horse. I bow. He bows. ::

“This is an honor. Your cooking skills and knowledge are legendary. Yet you realize that Iron Chef Javamaven1, despite her admiration for you, is required to put her respect aside and try to crush you?”

“Good. Then I summon the Iron Chef!”

:: Now the spotlight falls on a platform. Clouds of smoke billow up as Iron Chef Javamaven1 ascends into Kitchen Stadium. ::

“I will be announcing my ingredient sometime late this afternoon or early this evening (Between 3 and 6 PM, MST). From the time I announce it, you will have 24 hours to complete and post your menu.”

“The remaning Iron Chef contestants, please take your places in the Judge’s Box. Remember, one of you will be permitted to challenge the winner of the Scylla-Javamaven1 contest!”

Chairman Fenris

14

puff puff I’m here…am I too late? puff puff, cough stupid cigarettes Can I join the Chefs, Judges, Comentators

Is that seaweed he’s using? Mmmm looks fantastic. I can’t wait to try it.

  • any female actress guest judge on Iron Chef

A quick bio as I missed the previous IC threads. Born in the frozen North…well the south of the frozen North. I was extensively trained in the art of improv cooking be my esteemed father Neil-san. His philosophy is that any desired ingredient can be replaced with any ingredient that looks similar (hmmm don’t have any saffron, how about mustard powder) His culinary exploits were both tasty and unique (unique because he could never remeber exactly what he put into a sauce or dish).

His influence made me the hard-hitting improv chef that I am today (look out Ready,Set,Cook) The truely unique part of my cooking style is the seemless blending of Japanese, Chinese, Italian, French, Mexican, Canadian, etc. cuisines that makes up one of my dishes (it all depends on what ingredients and spices happen to be in the kitchen).

Long post, but please let me on!! As I don’t have the time to study in Japan for 20 years, and become the chef of a major restaurant, therefore the odds say I will never face Chef Chen in the head to head battle I dream about. Please for the love of food…let me join.

15

I have no objection to you being a judge if the Iron Chef and her Challenger don’t.

If either objects (since you arrived after I announced the challenger), I’d certainly encourage you to watch and join in the commentting on this round, and you’d be eligible for being a judge in the next round.

What say you Javamaven1 and Scylla…are you comfortable with a late arriving judge?

Chairman Fenris

16

I actually knew that! I was born in Japan (Dad was in the Navy) and can actually count to 10 and use a few phrases that Dad remembered well enough to teach me! :smiley:

17

In order to offset the deep and abiding shame at my failure in the first Iron Chef competition, I would humbly request to be a judge.

I have two humble requests which will be understood momentarily.

  1. No $250 rare lobsters, diver scallops hand caught by redheaded virgins on the full mooon, or other such outlandish ingredients.

  2. That the competition be started on a Friday or Saturday afternoon.

Why do I ask these things? Because as a judge and fairly competent amateur cook, I will actually prepare a minimum of two dishes from each contestant and taste them.
The actual taste and combination of ingredients is key and hard to convey through mere words alone.
I say two although I may elect to do any or all recipes submitted ( I just dont know how involved they will be.
You need not worry about my skills, there are very few techniques I am incapable of barring some esoteric pastry making stuff I never made it to.

I would invite Zenster and other like minded Dopers to join me in critiquing not only the recipe writing skills of the contestants, but their actual culinary vision.

18

Despite being a furriner and having never seen this “Iron Chef” of which you speak, I have to say I’m tickled pink we now have a “part san” :slight_smile:

:: pulls up a chair and sits watching avidly, ready to whoop like a loon at the exciting bits ::

19

Chairman Fenris:

I am honored to have been selected and hope to acquit myself well. I am somewhat startled and dismayed at the development the Iron Chef Javamaven is acquiring soul, as I’d hoped to beat her on these grounds.

It was a contigency I had not calculated.

Nevertheless I feel confident that I can adapt and overcome.

(I have been away on a business trip that occured unexpectedly.)

I may have to leave tomorrow, but would return in the evening, and should be able to accomplish my duties providing I have at least a Fri at midnight deadline.

I have no objections to the new judge.

20

Again, if Scylla and Javamaven have no objection, I have none. If there are objections, you can certainly join in during the next round.

**

I cannot guarantee this. My vision as Chairman cannot be impeded by mere money. Neither can the artistry of the Iron Chefs. They must feel free to choose whatever ingredients they find necessary in their artistic quest to accentuate the theme ingredient. However, read the next post. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. :wink:

**

Again, I cannot. I’ve already announced when this round will start and it wouldn’t be fair to change the terms now. However, if all goes well (ha!), there will be another contest starting Saturday night. I appreciate that you want to cook the recipes yourself, but I’m concerned about the turnaround from the end of the posting recipes phase to the end of the judging. After all the work that goes into a chef’s menu, it’s unfair to make them wait for feedback. I stand by my requirement that judges turn their critiques/scores in within 24 hours of the time that the judging starts. If you can cook those recipes in that time-frame, I strongly encourage you to do so, but that’s a lot of work!

Chairman Fenris