Irony: Senator Helms Will Be Replaced by...

Well, news reports here in North Carolina have dealt with the probable candidates to replace Senator Jesse Helms, who as most of America knows is ultraconservative, anti-feminist, homophobic, and not against using racial smears to win elections (though he claims not to be anti-black).

Interestingly, he will probably be replaced by a woman, and of the four announced candidates, one is an out gay man.

Several Republican state politicos have been testing the waters, but only one N.C. Republican has announced. However, the majority of the Republican leadership and a majority of the party in a recent poll is for the other announced Republican candidate, Liddy Dole, who is a native of N.C., and still spends 25% of her time here (visiting her mother once a month). She just transferred her legal residence and voter registration from Kansas, where she had kept it during Bob Dole’s Senate tenure and Presidential runs, back to Salisbury, NC. She has always owned a home there, inherited from her father with her mother having life tenure, so it’s not quite a Republican parallel to Hilary Clinton.

The only formally announced candidate on the Democratic side is popular State Secretary of State Elaine Marshall, who is likely a shoe-in for the Democratic nomination. The only other person who has stated he will run is (NC State) Supreme Court Judge Ray Warren, who got divorced, switched from Republican to Democrat, and came out as a gay man. (He’s precluded by law from formally declaring his candidacy until after resigning his judgeship, which he plans to do next month after cleaning up pending cases.)

There is something very sweet in the idea of Jesse’s replacement being either a woman or gay.

Who cares about irony?

For all it matters they could replace him with a one-eyed left handed dwarf, and it wouldn’t mean shit to me.

And I don’t give a shit if Mrs. Dole is black, white, purple, lesbian, Chinese, gay, male, divorced, whatever.
She is one tough, classy, smart broad. I hope she wins.

I see the irony-Helms is such a bigot! HA AHA HAHAHAH!!!

Rock ON!

Jesse Helms will be replaced by a robot assassin from the future. Everyone in the Senate will comment on how much nicer the robot assassin from the future is than Jesse.

Well, if she’s a gay male, I think there’s a few things Bob should probably have mentioned during the 1996 election.

In any event, remember that this is the woman responsible for those middle brake lights that cars in the US have. I’m not sure if this is a plus or minus, but it’s a pretty cool accomplishment to put on a resume.

From The Onion:

Jesse Helms’ Retirement Plans

After 29 years on Capitol Hill, Jesse Helms recently announced he will not seek a sixth term in 2002. What are Helms’ retirement plans?

> See to gettin’ a water closet put in

> Finally get caught up on that stack of books he’s been meaning to burn

> Retire to country plantation and devote remaining years to impregnating his slaves

> Ride lawnmower across state line to reconcile with estranged brother

> Daily watering and otherwise tending to his embryos

> Get hound dog, abuse shit out of hound dog, say it’s for hound dog’s own good

> Eat hisself a big ol’ cheesebugga

> Send out direct-mail “I may be retired but that does not mean the homosexual lobby has ceased corrupting the nation’s youth” letter

> Hold out trembling hand, emit ear-piercing shriek, collapse into dust


I was gonna guess:

by a sack of sand with a bad attitude.

Something that I heard but cannot cite:

She would threaten to withhold, or actually withhold, Red Cross help to areas that needed it, if the Senator from that state was fighting against a Bob Dole supported measure. If anyone can back this up I would appreciate it since I live in NC and would like to have my facts straight.

For some reason, when I read the subject line, I thought the ironic answer would be “Rush Limbaugh”…