And since everyone will look thinking I’m geting one alreadym forget about it. It is about my parents. this isn’t a pity thread either, just want to know the validity of it.
My parents have been married fo 27 years. They have always been extremely passionate and loving towards each other. My dad still pinches her asss for goodness sake. I can’t begin to count the times I’ve caught them making out in the kitchen, etc. But for the past 13 years my mom has been exhibiting manic-depressive (bi-polar) tendecies. About 2-3 months out of every year.
Because she is an adult and considered sane enough to manage her own health care, my dad has no say in her medical treatment. She likes to be secretive of who her doctors are, so that he cannot talk with them. His helplessness is getting to him mightily.
He has expressed the idea of a divorce to me and I am confused as to what I think. My mom has always been a stay at home mom. She has no college education and her 4 children are all grown up. She has no way of supporting herself and I don’t think she can. This will also tip her off into the biggest “episode” ever seen. He absolutly loves his family as a whole an loves my mom as well. He is a workaholic who has always supported everyone. He was around duriing my childhood and was overall a great dad.
Should he stick out the marraige, because of the “sickness and health” vow he took. Or should he be able to get out of a marraige that is not only damaging to his emotional side, buut is not effecting his health as well?
Well, IN MY HUMBLE OPINION, and based on what you described, it sounds to me like your father has a responsibility towards your mom. He still loves her, and there’s no mental of physical abuse going on (from what I can tell) so I think it’s his responsibility to be supportive. It’s true that it may be emotionally difficult on him, but no one ever said relationships were easy. The most difficult obstacles overcome together are often the most rewarding.
IMHO it’s your parent’s marriage,…outside of physical abusiveness …where a 3rd party steps in…kids don’t have a say in what parents do with their marriage (anymore than they would have a say on yours)…
I wonder why a parent would draw their kid into that kind of a decision…
This venue doesn’t really allow a thorough understanding of the situation, but based on what you’ve said I’d think a bit of counseling for your dad might help him deal with the unknown part of his wife’s life (you said she’s secretive about her mental health care). And, of course, marriage counseling is an option for the two of them.
Is your mom happy with things (I know that question has to be addressed bearing the bi-polar condition in mind)?
One way or another, a 27 year marriage that has (apparently) quite a bit going for it deserves some effort at fixing up before the parties split. Perhaps you can stimulate a little communication where it may be lacking.
well I really not involved in the decision at all. My dad just confided it to me a few weeks ago. Also I don’t think my dad just wants to split without effort, but he has been trying really hard for 13 years to aid my mother with her illness. Now she is overprotective of it and is closing him out of it and the decisions regarding t. I t is as much a part of his life as it hers.
It’s not that hard to understand seeking counsel from another member of the familly unit, and I doubt that it’s rare. My Dad asked me what I thought about it before he filed for a divorce from my Mom and, since they clearly had hated each other for years, I told him I thought it would probably be to the best for everybody. A different situation than what tubagirl confronts right now.
What no one on here has commented on yet is your mothers responsibility. If she is shutting your father out after he has supported her for 13 years and been a good father and loving husband, then the breakup of the marriage would be as much her fault as anyone’s. I have always understood the concept of marriage to mean that the two people should not keep secrets from each other. I don’t think your mother has the right to be secretive and freeze your father out, because this is something that affects her, and thus, him. She has to realize this somehow though before anything will change. It sounds like your Dad has done all he can for 13 and just feels like there’s nothing more he can do. That helpless feeling is one of the last stages before a divorce. They need to get some serious counseling, and fast.
Well, since I don’t know your Dad at all I could give a guess why I might bring you into it.
Maybe he really doesn’t want a divorce at all, but at such a loss on what to do next he hopes that you will talk to your Mom and (since he mentioned the D-word) convey just how helpless he is feeling and how serious he takes the issue.
Having said that, I doubt he would want you to say, “Mom, Dad is going to divorce you unless you start popping some meds.” But I am sure you get the idea.
If he can “tip her into the biggest event ever”, can he then be made her guardian? Then he would have some control, or at least be able to demand some answers from the Doctors HE would get to choose. Someone as troubled as your Mom shouldn’t be making all the decisions in secret. She should have some accountability to someone. I have a history of clinical depression and have several people entrusted to tell me when I need a Doctor. I ALWAYS go when they tell me too, even if I don’t think I need to. They have always been right, darn it. A person with mental illness is not a good judge of their medical care.
The situation has been clarified a bit for me. It seems with my mom’s increasing age and response to meds, she will continue to have these “episodes” every year or two for the rest of her life.
My daad has worked so hard for his whole life to support his large family. He tries to get us all together all the time. And he will help us out any time he can. I don’t know wether he deserves to suffer with her illness for the rest of his life.
But also I don’t know what my mother would do without him. She hasn’t worked in 27 years. She didn’t go to college. She isn’t emotionally stable enoguh to live by herself.
I get a different feeling from your posts than any has yet mentioned, so I’ll chime in.
Let’s start with some dreaded math. Your parents have been married for 27 years, the episodes have been going on about 13 years, and (if I recall from previous posts) you are the youngest of 4 children at about 21 years old.
This would mean that your mom’s episodes started about the same time that you went off to school and your mom was left in a great big empty house every day. She didn’t have an outside job, your workaholic dad is spending long hours away from home, and now the kids are all gone another 7 hours or so each day. That’s quite a lonely existence.
If I’ve got the chronology right, I’d say that much of your mom’s problems come from feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, and despair. Now that the house is devoid of her children and your dad’s still working, she has a miserable existence.
This is tough. I’m glad that I’m not in your dad’s shoes. But if I were, I’d seek all of the couseling that I could stand. Both singly to understand my (his) role and impact on your mom and how to deal with it. Then I’d insist on joint couseling. And throw in a healthy dose of full disclosure regarding the doctors, prescriptions, and recommendations.
Your close on the chronological order. I’m 19 and the third child. She started this when we moved to Florida when I was 8. The stress of the move brought out the hidden symptoms. It is stress that starts these “episodes” wether it is moving, or my recent marraige. She doesn’t work, which is her choice. My dad wants her to get a job, and always has. The last kid leaves the nest at the end of this year, and she has been taking care of my 2 year old nephew during the day for the past 2 years, on and off.
Also my dad is going to the counseling sessions with her int he past few weeks, by recommendation of the doctor. He is giving it a last shot of sorts, and then seeing how things pan out. He is more than willing to put forth as much effort as he can within reason. Only he just got a new job after a year of unemployment, and she doesn’t let him sleep at night. he has had to take days off at work to take her to the hospital and such as well.
He tries his hardest to spend as much time with her. It used to be problem of he would work all day long and then come home and fall asleep watching TV before 10:00. Then he had his Sleep Apnea diagnosed, so he is more awake. He takes her to dinner, and movies and parks as often as possible.
My biggest fear is that he’ll divorce her, and sure he would would still support her financially, but she would then turn to me and my siblings. I have had to grow up with this my whole life, and I don’t think I could deal with it now. I am newly married and have purposely moved out of her house to avoid further pain inflicted by the illness. I have become independent for the past two years for this reason alone. But I also knwo I could never turn her out. She would want to move in with someone. My sister doesn’t get along with her longer than 2 hours, and my brothers are not in the financial situation to take her in. I don’t think i could handle that strain.
I think I may be jumping ahead of myself a bit though…
Planning for the future is a good idea. One thing that will help is if you can have plans based on “What If?”. Don’t dwell on the bad that could happen, just plan for whatever might happen.
Something does need to change, tho. Even the greatest of men have a breaking point, and your Dad may self destruct rather than disappoint your family.