Here’s hoping that venting will help blow off some steam. It will be long and whiney.
My parents had a traditional marriage in the worst sense. Both kept up a decent front for company, but there was little affection between them. Dad traveled a great deal. I’m sure he slept around and thought little of it. Mom stayed home, raised the kids and cooked the meals. She simmered between angry episodes when she’d lashing out at anything in front of her. So - life hasn’t been a bed of roses for her emotionally. Since she’s retired she’s taken to going on birding trips on a regular basis. Although she’s never come out and said as much, it appears as if she feels she’s “earned the right” to do this as a reward for the years she put in raising the kids, and perhaps she has. My parents live in Philadelphia - my brother, sister and I live in North Carolina, Tennessee, and Indiana respectively (and we all teach so can’t just pick up and leave our jobs right now) so for now Dad’s health is all on his and her shoulders.
In the past 2-3 years my Dad’s healthy has deteriorated significantly. He’s got a bad hip, heart failure, and other issues that come from being 87 years old. This has become a source of major inconvenience to Mom. After he was placed in the hospital during her absence about a year ago they’ve gotten someone to live in the house with Dad when she goes. Last week she was in Hawaii looking at birds when the following scenario took place: Dad’s regular doctor found that his thyroid levels were too high so he took him off his medication. After a few days off all thyroid the levels got way too low and Dad was sent to the hospital to recieve intravenous thyroid medication until the levels come up again. Due to the low thyroid he’s asleep most of the time and his mind is not sharp.
Right now Dad has his regular MD who doesn’t return Mom’s phone calls or answer her email questions, a heart doctor who says the heart’s not the main problem right now, and an endocrinologist whom Mom has never spoken to.
This is the reason she hasn’t talked to him: She asked the nurses to call her at home when he’s about to come over so that she can drive in and meet him at the hospital (they live 5 minutes from the hospital). Surprise, surprise - the nurses on the floor don’t know the doctor’s schedule and have more on their plate than giving my Mom a 5-minute warning.
Mom can’t just sit around “for hours and hours because she has other things to do.”
Actually, Mom, yes you can. At least for 1 day. Bring a magazine and pretend you’re flying back from Hawaii again if you must. But surely you can sit in the hospital room of the man you’ve been married to for 55 years long enough to talk to his physicians and act as his advocate.
I can’t think of anything better to say…it’s just…sad, when our parents keep revealing their flaws and shortcomings. Makes you miss the illusions of youth.
Maybe you could contact some kind of Senior Advocate in the area, I forget what they’re called, but aren’t there people who help families in these circumstances? If your Mom isn’t willing or able to do what YOU’d like to see done for your Father, you might feel better if you make a few calls yourself. Caring for an ailing spouse is difficult and draining, probably moreso than we can imagine, even without the resentment you describe.
Why is she obligated? Hasn’t she done enough for fifty-five years in a loveless marriage? You or one of your siblings should take personal leave and take care of this. You’re the one who loves him and is loved by him.
Sounds like it might be time for assisted care.
I hope your mother loves every moment of her freedom. She hasn’t “earned” it. She was born with it and is apparently just now taking advantage of it.
I adored my father and I understand your concern for yours. But it is YOUR concern, not hers.
I doubt that it’s ever going to be “1 day”. My mom has been dealing with my father’s illnesses over the last year and a half, and the times he’s been in the hospital has been 2 weeks here, a week there, 3 days there, and days for tests and treatments, etc. She hasn’t even been able to hold a job with all the time she’s been spending at hospitals, and caring for him at home.
I’ve spent more than a few days at the hospital with them, all I can say is that I think it would be maddening sitting by yourself that whole time, especially if you’re specifically waiting for one doctor to show, who very well may arrive while you’re at the cafeteria getting a lousy lunch.
Frankly, I’d be more disappointed at the system that requires someone to sit all day with an unconscious patient just to get a 3 minute explanation of what’s going on.
My GF went through something very similar over the past few years. There are no easy answers.
It’s easy to blame the healthcare system, but they’re overworked themselves. It’s nearly impossible for them to make phonecalls warning someone of a chaotic schedule that is likely to change at the last minute anyway. While your mom has an obligation to her husband, she also has an obligation to herself to enjoy her own life. And while you kids could possibly take leave, paid or unpaid, for a semester, your father may well hang on for another several years, and then if he really needs you, what will you be able to do?
I’d love to offer you an easy solution, but I’ll I can offer you is sympathy.
Thanks to you and to others how posted their support. Yes, the entire situation is crappy and the current way health is delivered with its fragmented care makes it worse than it has to be.
There’s also a very real possibility that my parents know much more about the situation than they’re letting on and are only claiming they haven’t talked to any doctors “so I shouldn’t worry.”
To clarify though, I’m not suggesting my mother camp out day in and out and hold some sort of vigil. Sticking around one morning was more in line with my expectations, and I do think she can find the time to do that.
There should be no need for her to do that. My GF reached a good compromise by visiting her mother twice per week, for a few hours each time. This was still hard on her, but manageable. And she was always reachable by cell, the number of which the nurses knew. She and her sister staggered their vacations, so that at least one was always nearby. They also had the good fortune be in touch with nurses who always knew at least a little information, or who could get it on short notice.
And their mother had the common courtesy to pass away on a long weekend, and the good fortune to be alone with both daughters at the time. I’m kind of glad that none of the rest of us were there when it happened. It made it more of an immediate family thing.
If I didn’t love my husband, I can’t think of anything I would hate more than the hospital bullshit that goes along with disability. It’s soul destroying and mind numbing and heart breaking enough as it is.
Instead of asking the nurses to alert her when the doctor comes in, why couldn’t she ask them to have him call her? Or just call his office and talk to him there? Is there any possibility you could get your dad to release the information to you, and you could talk to the doctors? At least then you’d know what was going on, and maybe you could help them figure things out.
Long Time First Time would it be possible for your mother to spend a set number of hours at the hospital on certain days and let the nurses know when she’ll be there? That way, if there are any important updates or anything she needs to know, they’ll know when she’ll be there to relay that information and she won’t feel like she has to spend unknown, interminable hours beside your father’s bed.
I am sorry for you and your siblings. It can’t be an easy time for you.
I don’t know why this can’t be done over the phone. Either have the doctor call your mom (does she have a cell phone?) or call one of you kids. Your mom can give the doctor permission to talk to you.
I personally think it’s better when more than one person is in the medical loop. Makes for better communication on matters of care, as well as keeping people informed should negative changes arise.