So my parents had their second fight this week. This is right after the second time he’s skipped out on us this month. He’s been walking out on us every month for the last four years, mostly to help another woman get her business started. I just can’t get myself to think that he might be cheating with her.
Of course thing’s started going wrong way before he ever met this slut. I don’t think my parent’s have ever really been happy in their marriage. I’ve always thought it was my dad’s fault. He’s a great guy sometimes but he’s a totally cold person. My mom’s earthier and more open which he hates. He thinks sticking around til I grew up helped but he’s dead wrong. I’ve known he was a bastard since I was eight. That’s when he met some other woman that he cheated with. But that’s too much history for here.
Lately my dad’s been running out on the business ( and us) to help this slut get started. What I hate is that he gambles, talks, and probably sleeps with her while leaving mom behind. This breaks my heart above everything else.
I love my mom more than anyone else. She’s so kind and hardworking and nurturing. The slut can’t begin to compare to her and yet my dad leaves her.
Then he comes back and blames her for him losing money and losing friends.
He sees how much this hurts us but he doesn’t care. I hate him more than anyone else I’ve ever known. I still want him in my life but I want him out of my house.
I know alot of you have been through the same kind of thing. Thanks for listening.
How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?
Well maybe your dad’s an utter bastard and maybe he’s not, but isn’t this really your mother’s issue. If you’re old enough to express yourself as you did in the OP you’re more than grown up enough deal with a divorce. You dad may be a jerk, but if your mother is refusing to show him the door (given the described behavior) there’s either more to the story than you’re relating, or your mother is just a culpable in perpetuating this dysfunctional situation.
I’m 20. I know my mom’s at fault too. She thinks that staying together would be better for me. Looks like this thing might finally be resolved since their talking about divorce. It is her own fault for being such a doormat and mine to for letting it happen for so long. This wasn’t really an attempt to seek counseling, just a need to vent about my dad.
Thanks for the sound advice though.
Just in case you are wondering more about my situation my dad’s undergone some bizarre personality change in the last four years. That’s probably because of his failed business ventures.
He and mom share a restaurant business where they do the cooking. Except that my mom’s been handling things since dad started disappearing. He always comes back begging her to pay up his debts, which she does. The thing that always captures her is that he puts on his prodigal husband bit, swearing never to do it again, which is always a lie.
The thing that really kills me though is how much of a dumbass I’ve been to hope he’d change. Like I said before, he can be a great guy. We can talk about anything as long as it’s impersonal. He’s always been more a friend than a parent to me. I’d still like to have him around but I can’t get around the fact that he’s a cold guy. He buys into all that macho “never cry” bullshit, which is the opposite of my philosophy.
Even though I’ve told him how I feel about how he treats us it never moves him. He just waits until I calm down so that “normal life” can resume again. I used to think that kind of life was enough, but I guess it isn’t anymore.
Finally calling quits to a marriage can be really hard for lots of reasons, Mal, as I know all too well firsthand. Even setting aside the all the legal and financial aspects, which sure aren’t a picnic, it also means finally saying goodbye to all the hopes, years of effort, etc. that went into it. Nah, none of that’s logical, sinking more time and effort into a lost cause, but there 'tis. It sounds like she threw everything into trying to hold the marriage together for a long time, so finally wrenching that rusty switch to “off” is pretty tough.
It sounds like your father walked away a long time ago from the marriage and the family in all the ways that matter. I’m guessing that your mom adapted a long time ago to holding things together, so focused on coping day-to-day that the days blurred into months into years. Meanwhile you grew up while she’s still doggedly stuck in Cope Mode.
Sit your mother down and tell her what you’ve told us, straight out. Print off this thread and show it to her. Women are wives as well as mothers, so she might have some lingering love/heartache totally separate from you. You can’t do anything about that, but you can plant your feet and tell her your truth about the family.
There isn’t the slightest blame to either you or your mother, Mal. Everybody muddles along the best they can, and none of us get it ‘right’ most of the time. All the best to both of you.
Veb
From what I have been reading, your dad is probably severely depressed and not about to get treatment. I would suggest counselling for you and your family so that all of you can get the help you need to deal with him. As someone who has been in a very similar situation, I can tell you this. Your health and welfare are very important.
You’re 20? I’m a bit confused. Most of the time a couple “stays together for sake of the kids” were talking till the kids turn 18 at most, and the parents can move on. Do you have younger bothers and sisters?
Thanks for the sympathies. Sorry I’ve been so late in replying.
TVeblen: I know how hard it is for my mom to give up on a 21 year marriage. She has very traditional ideas about family and disapproves of divorce. Luckily she looks like she’s turning around about this.
Venus: I think your definitely onto something about my dad’s depression. I’ve noticed it and tried to push him into some sort of counseling but he won’t budge. He sees mental illness as a weakness. It’s almost impossible to talk to him about it but I think I can change his mind too.
astro: I know how odd it seems that my parents still consider me a child. I’ve tried to shelter them from my true feelings for so long that they barely know me. Of course this kind of lie is useless and I finally made my feelings known to them.
Divorce is a definite possibility so things are looking up.
Thanks again for the input. I’m just glad to get this all off my chest.
I know you want to help, but you are taking entirely too much that isn’t yours onto your shoulders. Maybe you can get your dad to seek help, but my guess is you can’t. They are grown up people, and while I know how flawed they are through your 20 year old eyes, they got there without you. You can’t fix them. You need to quit taking sides, find a workable relationship with each of them that does not involve taking sides, and move on with your life. You can love them and you can worry about them but in the end they have to walk in their own shoes.
Freudian slip? 