Is a Vegetarian/Non-Vegetarian relationship possible?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So I’ve been dating this girl for a while. She’s beautiful, smart, successful, funny and for some reason, really into me ;). We get along great, have lots in common, great sex, chemistry, all the makings of a healthy relationship. We’re even talking about the Big Together Move.

There’s only one problem…

She is a vegetarian, I am not. And not just a vegetarian, but a die-hard, no-animal-products-of-any-kind, humanity-hating vegan. At first, this wasn’t a problem. She knew I ate meat but didn’t care as long as I didn’t do it around her which was fine with me. She says it’s not a problem, that she can accept me as I am, but lately this has been coming up more and more. Most of the time it’s an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ deal, but she admitted that knowing I eat meat causes her pain. It came to a head today in a big fight where she basically said I have no morals or integrity. She since apologized, but I can sense this getting worse and worse.

I have no intention at all to become vegan. I don’t see a difference between killing a plant or an animal, they are all life to me and I place no greater importance on one than the other. As mammals, we must eat life to survive, period. But that’s me. I don’t need her to believe as I do, or even understand. I just need her to accept that my conditioning and perspective is different than hers and has no bearing on my ethics or morals. I respect her beliefs and understand her compassion. We have different perspectives on this and that is fine with me. I don’t need to agree with her to accept and love her as a person. I ask for the same in return.

I’m not posting this to get into a veg/non-veg argument. There are plenty of those out there and none of them go anywhere productive. What I’m interested in is if anyone out there has (or had) an SO with differing views in this regard. Is a successful relationship possible or am I best to end it now? It sucks, because she is so great and sweet in so many ways, but this one thing has the potential to be a killer.

So anyone care to weigh in? Any long-term successes (or failures) with one party being veg and the other not?

Advice?

Cheesburgers? :smiley:

2

This situation, a vegan dating a nonvegan is only a problem if someone makes a problem out of it. It’s easy enough to work around in daily life, in my opinion, so if there’s a problem, I believe someone has to make one.

The girl you’re dating is doing exactly that, as far as I can tell.

And here is the Big Dilemma.

End it now, while it’s still sweet, but as a pre-emptive strike of sorts? Or end it later when the house of cards comes crashing down with lots of anger and resentment built up?

I vote the former.

This way would hopefully leave everyone on the best terms possible. Keeping a “second chance” open in the future, should she be a little more respectful of us meat eaters.

But I’m just a dumb kid with his own dating dilemmas, so what do I know? :dubious:

3

No experience with romantic relationships, but my sister was a vegetarian for many years (while living at home with the family) and some friends now also are. We all get along just fine. I would say such relationships are 100% possible–if both partners are willing to make some compromises and neither partners are jerks about the other persons eating habits. Your girlfriend doesnt really sound like she qualifies for either. :dubious:

Saying that your eating habits cause her pain is ridiculous and she shouldnt stay with you if that is truly the case. Plenty of people eat meat and one day she is going to have to grow up and realize that she can only control her own eating habits, not anyone elses. Whether or not you want to stay with her while she reaches that conclusion is up to you, but it isn`t looking too good right now.

4

Your differences are becoming a fundamental problem. Relationships work when people can compromise on or simply don’t care about your differences. She’s not trying to compromise, she’s trying to force you into a behavior she prefers.

It has about the same chances of working as a fundamentalist Christian being involved with an atheist. Unless one or the other is willing to let things go, or convert to the other’s point of view, you’re going to piss each other off constantly.

Might as well break up now unless you want to let her push you into becoming a vegan. Of course, then she’ll know she can make you do what she wants you to and you’ll be well on the way to pussy-whippeddom.

5

I don’t eat meat, but my boyfriend does. I would like him to stop, but I realize that nagging doesn’t work. Things are good with us, though, because he respects me and my choice and is willing to discuss things with me.

I don’t understand why you would even consider staying with a woman who you obviously have no respect for.

6

I was in a relationship with a vegetarian for nearly a decade. Since I mostly cooked, this was not much of a problem, he was thus not required to handle raw meat which squicked him right out. Over the years what it amounts to is that the meat eater winds up eating far less meat, which is not at all a bad thing.

The relationship ended for reasons having nothing to do with eating habits, and we parted on friendly terms.

We were neither of us, er, new to the dating and relationship scene, which has this useful benefit: neither of us was prepared to engage in controlling behavior, having been down that road and seen how it ends (mostly badly). It does not matter what the underlying subject is: this is the same dynamic as a religious/not religious or politically left/politically right relationship – the real question amounts to, how seriously are you going to take yourself and how strong is your inclination to make other people behave in ways acceptable to you?

It does supply you with something to talk about for the next, oh, decade or so.

7

That’s backwards.

8

A vegetarian or vegan dating a meat-eater? Not a big problem. I know many such relationships.

But then, the non-meat-eater in question wouldn’t generally accuse the meat-eater of having ‘no morals or integrity.’ That does make it very difficult.

9

No, it can’t work. Sure a simple “ovo-lacto” or “I don’t eat things with faces” type could work, in fact I had such a relationship, and since I love cheese, I was able to eat just fine with her. But not with that type. In fact, in general, it’s hard to go against the grain with any fanatic. We could substitute religion or politics or quite a few things and you can’t live with a fanatic and do stuff that they are fanatically against.

The above post #5 may illustrate this, as I see nothing in your post which shows a lack or respect, but that poster does.

10

ETA: This is in response to the last post from Covered_In_Bees! (you oughta do something about that).

Well, gee. I was responding to this:

and this:

But yet,

Really? If you have talked with her, you obviously didn’t listen. If you listened, you would understand why it causes her pain to see you eat meat. If you cared, you wouldn’t have such a disdainful attitude about it all.

So, you think it is crazy to not eat meat. I, of course, think that is ridiculous, but you have every right to feel that way. It just seems really obvious that you (like a great many posters on this board) have no respect for vegetarians. Which, again, is fine. It just seems absurd for you to continue dating one.

11

How is the second quote contradictory to the third quote? I don’t see the OP proclaiming it crazy to not eat meat.

12

Years ago I was seeing a Vegan and it was one of the major reasons for things not working out. We couldn’t go out for dinner anywhere because she was constantly asking the staff “Are these chips cooked in vegetable oil or beef tallow?”; “Are these organic salads?” “Do you have anything on the menu that animals weren’t killed or exploited to make?” and so forth.

She just couldn’t understand that most people in the Western world generally eat meat (or fish, or chicken, or products thereof), and she started getting really upset when we just left her out of social activities because we wanted to go to Bob’s Steakorama and order a Sirloin With Cheese Fries And Extra Bacon and didn’t feel like either disapproving glares, subjecting the waitstaff to passive-aggresive “How come you don’t have vegetarian options?” bullshit, or any other related silliness on her part.

My advice to the OP is simply make it clear to this woman that you eat meat, that’s not going to change, and if she doesn’t like it, you’ll be sure not to get assprints on her door on the way out. Because she likely won’t respect your “choice” (although I’d argue “Omnivore” is the default setting for most human beings and “Vegetarian” is the alternative choice to that), and the whole thing will likely turn into “You don’t really love me because you’re a bad person who likes to eat poor little animals and you won’t stop even though you know it hurts me.”

I do know a few people that have managed to have successful relationships with vegetarians, FWIW, but in most cases it doesn’t seem to work out- often not necessarily because of the not-eating-meat thing, but the lifestyle/political stuff that comes with it.

13

Bolding mine.

Exactly my thoughts. I suppose I could’ve made this a thread about radically opposing ideals and their impediment on romantic relationships but I guess I wanted some advice personal to me. I’m selfish that way ;).

We both agreed at the start that neither of us needed to control the other, and we could both accept and embrace our differences, but her recent actions are starting to suggest otherwise. This is what concerns me.

14

Wow, I don’t get this. How did you get from my post, even the parts you quoted, that I have a disdainful attitude or I “obviously have no respect for vegetarians?” She’ll corroborate that I’ve been nothing but understanding and supportive of her lifestyle. (the ‘humanity-hating vegan’ comment was a joke between us. Obviously didn’t translate to this forum). Just because I don’t have any desire to adopt her beliefs doesn’t mean I don’t respect them or her as a person. I have plenty of respect for her perspective and indeed vegans in general, assuming they show me the same consideration. I’m not asking anyone to agree with, or even understand my beliefs. Only to accept that they are mine and I am comfortable with them. I don’t judge her or denounce her lifestyle in any way. I love that we all can have our own personal beliefs; variety is the spice and all that. I’m just concerned as to whether or not she can continue show me the same respect.

I’m not going to get into my personal belief system here, that isn’t at all what this thread is about. Suffice to say I have my own unique perspective of life based on my conditioning, experiences and observations. I don’t want, need, or care if you, her, or anyone on this planet shares it. How could I? My belief is no more right or wrong than anyone else’s, nor to me, is it any more or less ethical. Who am I to make that judgement? I appreciate that she sees pain in eating meat. That’s her view and that’s why I agreed not to do it around her. I don’t see any more pain in that then I do in eating a piece of fruit or vegetable. That’s my view. We’ve both discussed them, agreed that they are different, and decided to move on. I thought that would be that, but now I’m wondering…

15

The thing is, maybe she thought she could take it but finds that she cannot. That does happen, especially with very serious and sincere sorts of people. I am now married to a person who has no discernable religious belief while I am RC. This also does not cause a problem and serves mainly to give us a subject to talk about and harass one another about.

Here is a useful heads-up from this most recent experience: should kids enter the picture, it helps some to have discussed this matter beforehand but does not by any means solve all the problems associated with it.

What actually solves the problem is being able to solve problems together. Also, not all problems are solvable in this life, and you have to somehow deal with that fact together also. If you manage to have a long term relationship wherein this is your biggest problem, you may count yourself greatly blessed. It is good, before you get into long term commitments of any kind, to find out if you can solve problems together and also deal with unsolvable problems together. If not you will wind up doing those things seperately.

But I do think it is also important to make allowances for evolution of people and situations. That you would eat meat only when she was not around was a rule guaranteed to change if the relationship reached a level in which you were likely to be sharing a kitchen and significant portions of your free time. So it was a rule based either upon the notion that one of you would change the other or that you would not reach that higher level. Though probably neither of you thought about it like that. So now the question is whether you can together come up with a way to manage the matter of food which offends neither of you.

At the same time, it is good to acknowledge that you will in one way or another control (or affect anyway) one another’s actions to the extent you are in a relationship that is worth a hill of beans (or sirloins, you pick).

16

That’s as far as I needed to read. Sorry, this is not the match made in heaven for you. :frowning:

17

For a hardcore vegetarian, this no difference between plant and animal just does not compute. It’s like a creationist and a scientist. And yes I think implies a lack of empathy or respect for your girlfriend.

I was a pretty hardcore veg for 5 years, and then added fish and dairy for 5 years. It was a stressor in a stressed marriage, and I gave up the vegetarian diet to take that stressor out of the marriage. We’re still married about 13 years later. YMMV

18

I’m a vegetarian (ovo-lacto), but I am also realistic about the fact that I live in an omnivore’s world. I have an omnivorous husband who I’ve been with for many years, and I cook meat for him most nights.

Considering how soft-hearted your girlfriend is over the suffering of animals, I think there may not be room for compromise here.

19

I’m an omnivore (and I have enough food issues that I actively choose not to set limits around my dietary choices) who is happily married to a strict vegan. He was vegetarian when we met, had a brief spell of omnivorous life a few years ago when he was running a lot, but has been vegan now for a few years.

It works fine for us. He mostly cooks, we keep the pantry and fridge about 99% vegan, and I eat a lot more healthily than I had been when we were mostly eating lacto-ovo at home. He respects my decisions about what to eat, and encourages me to eat out with my omnivorous friends because he knows I enjoy trying new restaurants and dishes, and that doesn’t usually go hand in hand with finding something on the menu for him. We are both crunchy granola peace and love types anyway, so although I don’t tend toward veganism, I would like to be more careful about my food sources.

So I guess what I see there is that while the decisions we’ve made about what to do are different, the base values driving them are very similar. I think sharing those values is the important thing for me.

20

How? I’m not asking that she believe it, or even understand it. Only accept that I do. I’m not using it as a justification to eat meat or implying that it is a superior view of life in general. Just that it is mine. I’m obviously simplifying my perspective, it goes much deeper than just that but it shouldn’t matter. How does the fact I believe differently than her imply a lack of empathy or respect?