Is it "cheating" to sleep with someone else while "on a break" from a relationship?

Great Debates
1

This question comes from scenarios in two television shows: *Parenthood *just recently; and an old episode of Friends. Now it may seem silly to debate the actions of people on a TV show; but what I find fascinating is how on online forums like TwoP and Alan Sepinwall’s blog, the consensus seems to be that it is in fact infidelity (and unlike David Schwimmer’s Ross on Friends, Dax Shepard’s Crosby on *Parenthood *does not contest its being a grave offense for which he must endlessly supplicate himself and grovel, which makes it even worse).

So I’m utterly perplexed by the societal attitude that someone doing this in real life would be guilty of a serious betrayal. Do any *men *feel this way, or is it just women who think they can have their cake and eat it too (or maybe more precise would be to say they want to throw away their cake and still keep “dibs” on it)?

I don’t really know the particulars of the Ross-Rachel deal as I only occasionally watched Friends; I bring it up more because it was far, far more well known than the barely non-cancelled Parenthood. But here is the outline of what happened on *Parenthood *(I know I’m biased, but I don’t think the accuracy of this basic outline would be in serious dispute):

(1) Crosby and Jasmine, who neglected to tell Crosby she bore his son until five years later, rekindle their romance and move in together, to a new apartment they find together (a different place than either of them had lived before). They get engaged and begin planning the wedding.

(2) Jasmine is very bossy and controlling (she later admits this) and when Crosby gets tired of it and says something, she goes ballistic and tells him she’s not sure if they should get married after all.

(3) Later, he comes home from work, and she acts like he’s committed some gross breech of protocol to show his ass there (“what are you doing here?” I think were her words). He tries to make up with her, but she’s not having any of it and says “I think we need to take some time” and kicks him out.

(4) Crosby is disconsolate, and goes for a drink with another character played by Minka Kelly, with whom he has a lot of chemistry. Later that night in a very hot scene (for network TV anyway), they fall into bed together. Minka freaking Kelly!

(5) A few days later, Jasmine comes to Crosby to apologise for having been such a bitch, but when she finds out about the Minka Kelly sleepover, she freaks out (hitting him and throwing stuff at him) and really breaks it off for good with him. Crosby spends the next year or so prostrating himself to Jasmine and begging for forgiveness while I gag.

Given those set of facts, how could anyone consider this “cheating”? Do women somehow have the right to kick men to the curb for some indefinite period, but keep a chastity belt locked on them just in case they should deign to allow them back into their good graces later? I mean, WTF?

2

“On a break” may not mean the same thing to both parties. Rachel thought it just meant “not actively seeing each other right now” and Ross thought it meant “available to see other people.” Whichever party has a harder time attracting other dates will feel shorted by the arrangement. Incredibly, that was Rachel.

I am heartened that the title of this thread doesn’t include “Need answer fast.”

3

Ross had a lot of evidence to indicate that Rachel was doing the same to him, and was motivated by jealousy, and was drunk too. #embarrassedthatiknowthis

Whereas I’m disappointed.

4

I think getting kicked out of the house during an argument with your SO is different than being on a “break”. Turning around and sleeping with someone else that very night suggests to me that you were not terribly interested in working through the problem. Seriously, if Crosby wanted to be with Jasmine so bad, he wouldn’t have jumped another chick’s bones just because Jasmine got pissed at him.

If you’re on a long term “strategic” break, I would say the entire point is to live life for a while without the other person as your SO, thus romantic entanglements are almost a requirement.

5

the purpose of a break is to reconsider the relationship. one might think that sex with someone else would mean that there isn’t much left to consider; another might think [del] “Me sad, Me- ooh boobies!”[/del] very literally that a break is a break, and not some kind of time-out punishment.

6

LMAO! That was really good–well played (insightful first paragraph too, although I have a bit of a hard time understanding why the same party that forces the “break” gets to dictate terms which include chastity).

Cheesesteak, are you female? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, obviously; but part of what I’m curious about here is to know whether there are any men who take the position you do.

7

QFT, including the hashtag. :smack:

8

Both parties get to dictate the terms on which they’re willing to get back together - it’s just that the one that forced the break is most likely to think they need to.

I’m a guy, and I think Cheesesteak’s on the right track. In the first example (getting kicked out of the house), sleeping with someone else does seem like you’re burning your bridges. It’s not necessarily cheating, but it’s still a sign the relationship is probably better off over.

9

I’m a guy, and Grumman had the right phrase, burning your bridges. If I want to continue my relationship with the woman who just booted me from the house, banging the next available chick is a lousy choice. It tells her that the next time things go wrong, she’ll find me in bed with another woman.

To clarify a bit… The woman didn’t consider it a break. She considered it part of an argument, the part where you get the fuck out and sleep on your buddy’s couch.

10

Most people are aware of the possibility of fights and getting back together afterwards. I think this is one of those things where it mostly depends on how you know the partner feels about monogamy in general.

Saying it is or isnt adultery wont mean squat if you know the other person believes in it strongly and you’re hoping for a reconciliation.

Otara

11

So we have two guys signing on to this. Interesting!

So why doesn’t *she *get the fuck out?

12

She’s got hand. She can be ridiculous and childish, kick him out, and still have him grovelling for her affection. Why cultivate that kind of power and not use it?

13

Just to make it clear, I was not assigning blame. I was saying that the relationship was finished. From what you’ve said, my response would be more along the lines of “Jasmine? Good riddance!”

14

To me “on a break” means a termination of the dating contract, including the non-compete clause. Don’t expect me to be celibate while you ponder if and when we might get back together again. It could be two weeks or it could be six months. And if we end up getting back together, a new contract will need to be written because there was obviously something wrong with the old one.

15

QFT!

16

I think the best way to handle these sorts of situations in real life is to say “we’re on a break!” and walk out, without being clear or explicit with your partner about what that means.

Then, wacky hijinks ensue. And maybe penis.

17

Quoted again for emphasis.

A fight where one person insists that the other leave the shared home and has declared " a break" from the status quo is one where all bets are off. That shows that neither party is being even remotely respectful to each other or the relationship. Nobody “has hand” in that situation.

If the fight was caused solely by one partner’s behaviour, (rare imho), then the other partner that declares a break is releasing the former.

If it caused by both partners, then it shows a lack of respect for one another and the previously agreed upon obligations. The contract is void until we either renew or rewrite it.

18

I agree with the trend here that the contract has been broken.

But.

A longtime friend is staying with you. He’s gotten drunk several weeknights and kept you up late. One night he is actively hostile with you, and you kick his ass out on the street. Are you still friends?

19

He’s still your friend (unless you decide that he aint) and your sig nif other is still (hopefully) someone you’re friendly with as well. But not together is not together and all bets are off.

20

I’m a girl who thinks “on a break” means just that, and i think women who play this sort of shit give the rest of us a bad name.

And it’s horrible to kick him out of the bed when you’re the one who’s pissed. I hate the image of men sleeping on the couch because the woman is pissed…when I’m pissed I sleep on the couch.