Yes do ask her to step outside to smoke. Remind her she be getting so much more fresh air if she smokes outside.
Be really nice about it when you ask her. Tell her exactly what bothers you.
It does seem reasonable to designate one room where she can go to smoke.
All of this happened in our house. Zeldar quit smoking first and couldn’t stand it around him. I had a room to smoke in or I could go outside or in the car. A few times he gave in and allowed me to sit in the doorway and blow smoke outside while I watched a TV show, but that wasn’t often. He was very reasonable.
When I decided to quit smoking, I was glad that the entire house didn’t smell of cigarettes!
I wish you luck! You know, you can always walk out of the room while she’s smoking. She might get tired of that. (I know you would!)
I was going to say I’m surprised no one has mentioned a fan. not those little dual plastic onces, a nice big square metal box fan put snug into an open window. I have to disagree that it wont make a lot of difference. 99% of the smoke exits the building if you smoke near the fan. There is a huge difference between a small trace of cigarette smell and that saturated cigarette smell. Especially since the former, with that setup, will not spread into other rooms. Hell I had a roommate who had an absolute no smoking rule, and I busted it all the time when he was gone by smoking in front of the window fan and a squirt of deodorizer. He never noticed, for 2 years, and he would have raised hell if he did, and I would never have done it again. I know because he caught me doing it finally, after 2 years. he flipped. I said, look, I’m sorry man, but, I’ve been doing it for years, only because you never noticed it. So of course ever on after that he was grouchy and insisted he could now smell the smoke built up from the years of me doing it. that it must have accumulated enough to start smelling, when it didn’t before, amazingly hitting that point of no return the day he caught me. Though none of his non smoking friends could smell it.
You can ask, but it needs to be an “I know this isn’t fair, but it’s important to me” conversation, not an argument based on why it’s only right and proper that she move outside.
Preach it, my friend. My husband snores so much that I always sleep on the couch and then go to “bed” for an hour when he wakes up to go to work. We’ve only been married for 4 years and we don’t sleep in the same bed. Nice.
Florida must be pretty nice this time of year…
When I’m trying to lose weight, my husband refrains from ordering dessert. When he gave up beer for Lent, I didn’t drink in front of him. When my SIL got pregnant, my brother gave up his beloved tuna fish sandwiches. (He found out one memorable day that he couldn’t even eat them when she was gone.) My friend, Wendy, is in rehab as I type. When she returns, we’ll ALL order waters with dinner.
It’s not really fair that we have to change our lifestyle to accomodate other people who are battling addictions. But it’s the nice thing to do.
Yes. Your friends are lucky to have such an understanding group. We need more like you!
It looks as though you have been married long enough to know that what is fair has nothing to do with it. If you can skip past the part about whose fault it is, and who is right, as though those things had anything to do with solving the problem, you might be able to solve the problem. Unless of course the problem is that whether she smokes outside is not the problem at all. But I think you have been married long enough to be well on your way to working that out, too.
In any event, lo these many moons ago when I quit smoking and my significant other of the time did not quit smoking, we solved this problem by investing in adequate ventilation and by adding an indoor air filter – not a crappy thing from an electronics store but one with a UL seal and a class II medical device rating. They are not cheap, but sometimes solving a problem requires a decision about what it’s worth to do it. We decided it was worth it to clean up the air in the two rooms he mostly smoked in but not the whole house, and he limited his smoking to those rooms.
This may or may not be a good solution for you. But in general, if you are both working to solve the problem rather than you working on her to solve your problem (or vice versa) you may find that it gets solved faster.
I’m a smoker. I don’t smoke in the house because my wife demands that I take it outside. She’s sensitive like you and I’ve come to appreciate the cleaner home especially when I visit other homes that have smoking inside.
The past is the past, and we need to move on respecting the health of others.
Take a deep breath and lay down the law with her ! Refuse sex if you have to to show that you mean it !
Current smoker here: yes, she should adapt to your changing needs; that’s call “marriage”. Outside is best (including the added in convenience that means she smokes less), but a ‘smoking room’ is a perfectly reasonable alternative.
In return, you must never fart.
Quitting does little good, as far as the health risks go, if you continue to be exposed to second-hand smoke.
Your risk for cancer and COPD remain high.
Yes, we’ve talked about it, and she basically takes Shakes’ view: That when we met, I was a smoker, and I had no problem with smoking in the house.
Now, that I have quit, it is unfair to ask/demand/suggest whatever that she stop smoking in the house, according to her. She feels that it is her house as well and that she shouldn’t have to step outside because she likes to have a smoke while on the computer, watching TV, or relaxing on the couch.
I guess I just wanted to get you all’s opinion on the matter, but you seem to be split. I guess I’ll either have to get more direct, more harsh, back off, or suggest a “one room smoking” setup.
Either that, or run away with Hazle 
Well, if you quit for health reasons, you can’t just leave it as is. As picunurse said, continued exposure to second hand smoke is very bad too.
Quote me (current smoker, married to a quitter) to her; she should, as your partner, recognize your changing needs and not smoke in the common rooms. I smoke in one room, my office, with a fan for exhaust, or the cellar.
In fact, I don’t know anyone who smokes who still smokes throughout the house anymore. And I live in New England; it’s not Fargo, but it still gets nasty out there in the winter.
Make her a deal. She confines her smoking, you give up that aftershave she’s alway hated, or let her use the towel rack closer to the heater.
While both sides to this argument have been presented here, I think (unless someone speaks up) there is one thing that is agreed upon 100% - compromising by having a dedicated smoking room is not in any way an unreasonable request. And I think it would be the opinion of a vast majority that if she won’t even agree to that compromise at least, well…that’s pretty darn lousy of her.
Is she planning on quiting anytime soon? If she is, she might be of the mind “it’s bad enough that I have to quit in a year or so, why shouldn’t I enjoy the time I have left?”. You might be able to make a deal that the house goes smoke free in 12 months or something, whether or not she quits. It gives her time to get used to the idea.
And if it means a second computer or TV or whatever makes her comfortable in the smoking room, do that.
Former smoker.
At first I figured this question was a no-brainer. Simple, no smoking in the house. Why? It is disgusting.
However, reading others replies made me rethink my position. Now I agree, you have changed the status-quo and your request / demand is a little unfair. Nonetheless, the fact remains smoking is disgusting and her smoking in the house injures you, and there is no escaping that injury.
So I propose a timeline. Something generous, say six months or a year. But the agreement is, no smoking in the house after n months.
I think it could work.
I agree with this. Buy her off. Find out what it will cost. Make a deal. A new car? Nightly oral sex? Whatever it takes will be worth it.