My baby sister was born & raised in Tennessee; she now lives in Maryland. We’re black, which will be important shortly.
One of her co-workers–a white gentleman she ordinarily likes who hails from New York–recently called her, jokingly, buckwheat; he was making a Little Rascals reference. My sister was quite offended by this, because in the south “buck,” “buckwheat,” and “bucky” are all slurs of the sort (but not the degree) of “nigger,” and she got very offended. She was further offended by his apology, in which he wrote that he did not intend to cause offense and would not have used the term had he known; she saw that as his attempting to wiggle out of responsibility for his action.
hen she told me about this incident I told her that I thought she should give the guy a break; it seemed entirely believable to me that someone from the co-worker’s region of the country might not realize that “buck-” names are racial slurs in the south, as that usage is far more regional than “nigger” is. She countered that he SHOULD have known and his lack of knowledge is itself offensive. I countered back that it’s not reasonable to expect the guy to acquaint himself with every conceivable iteration of the language; since she agrees that he did not intend to be racist, it’s reasonable for him to have expressed his apology as he did. In discussing this incident I said, “No offense should be taken when no offense was intended.” My sister replied that I just don’t understand, and we dropped it.
Assuming, for the sake of argument, that the co-worker was genuinely uninformed about the meaning of the word “buckwheat” in the South, who is right – me or my sister?
You feel what you feel: there’s nothing wrong with your sister for feeling the initial surge of anger at the term, and she was completely in the right to let him know that she was hurt by his use of the term–I mean, if I hit someone on accident, that doesn’t diminish their right to feel pain. It was appropriate for him to write an apology–again, if I hit someone on accident, I should say I am sorry, even if I didn’t mean to.
That said, she should accept his apology, and try to recognize that while the memory might continue to cause her to feel anger, he isn’t the appropriate target. Sometimes accidents happen, and they make us mad, which is okay, but we don’t have to be mad at a specific person.
I think that it is sometimes reasonable to be offended “when no offense was intended”, but it depends on the circumstances, and this is not one of those times.
I don’t understand what she expects in an apology. I’m not very fond of the “sorry if I offended” type apologies, where the responsible party tries to shove the blame over, but this doesn’t sound like one of those. What would have made her happy (OK, less offended)?
Not being her, I can’t answer. I was really hoping to discuss the larger issue–whether it’s fair to expect an apology from someone who hurt your feelings but caused no actual injury when the “offense” in question was wholly inadvertent.
He wrote an apology? As in a note? When somebody goes to the trouble to write you about how they’re so upset about having offended you, you’re an asshole if you don’t accept their apology graciously. And no, it is not (generally) fair to take offense when no offense is made, especially when that person then sincerely apologizes.
Nope. He knew what he was saying. I grew up watching re-re-reruns of the little rascals and I knew that the stereotypical buckwheat character was, um, stereotypically racist, even though I didn’t at that tender age know the reason, I knew something wasn’t right about it. Now if he had referred to her hair as making her LOOK like buckwheat, the racism doesn’t drip off of that like calling her buckwheat. I don’t count myself among the offenderatti, but that kind of has a clear meaning. Imagine a cop on the street calling a young black kid “buckwheat” and try to accept that the cop didn’t know it was a racist term.
On preview, the larger issue, if truly no offense is meant, none should be taken. Attempting to figure out what’s accidental and what’s not though is, of course, the hard part.
I think you’re right, logically and in principle. Taking offense where none is intended and one receives a believable, sincere apology is shooting yourself in the foot - it’s not pleasant or productive to feel offended.
However, Manda JO is right about her feelings in this situation. You don’t get to tell someone how they should feel. It’s condescending and entirely unhelpful. You can’t just logic emotions away. You can help her, again as Manda JO recommended, see that blaming this particular guy is inappropriate and not likely to resolve her painful emotions. I think you have to identify the true cause of negative emotions and experience and express them in order to lessen them, and you can certainly help her do that.
I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect an apology from someone who hurts your feelings, even if it was unintended. I have given and accepted “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, I didn’t mean to” apologies. However, sometimes apologies don’t help because feelings aren’t sensible.
As far as being offended by something that wasn’t intended as such - it depends on whether or not I believe it was really unintended. If it was “just a joke, no offense intended, har de har har har, what’s your problem?” kind of crap, then no, it wasn’t unintended and deserves an offended response. OTOH, if someone truly wasn’t aware that they were saying something offensive, and sincerely apologized - get over it, accept the apology, and move on.
The two situations are not exclusive, but not necessarily the same thing either.
For him to compare her in any way to the character Buckwheat from the Little Rascals was, in itself, a racial slur/insult. No need for him to know that the term or variations thereof is a slur in some areas…the damn character himself was a slur!
For him not to realize this, being obviously familiar enough with the character to make the association, indicates either extreme density or deep-seated racial stereotypes or both. Geez, I would NEVER think of making a joke to a Black person involving Buckwheat. :o But being from the south, I still know people, some of them the sweetest little old ladies or otherwise nicest people in the world, who think “pickaninnies” are the height of “darlingness”.
I don’t blame her for being highly offended.
All that said, he did apologize and she should accept his apology graciously and move on. (Even if she secretly suspects that this guy has racist tendencies and wasn’t just making a harmless jest in all innocence)
In general, “taking offence” is not really something we control. It’s a gut reaction to something we find offensive. So fair has nothing to do with it.
Continuing to hold a grudge based on an offence we felt, intended or not, is another thing.
My two cents? Fair or not, it’s not inappropriate to take offense where none is meant. As others have said, sometimes something just pushes your “offense button” and there’s not a whole lot to do about it. Nevertheless, I think it’s best not to hold onto being offended by someone who didn’t intend the offense.
What it boils down to is that it seems to me that since you don’t necessarily know a person’s intentions, if say or do something that might be intentionally offensive, it is reasonable to be offended initially. If you discover that they honestly didn’t intend offense, it’s probably better to let it slide.
Fair, hell. Life isn’t very fair. All of us have baggage we have to carry, and now and then someone says something that springs a latch on a suitcase.
When insulted in a way I know is unintentional, I generally mouth some excuse and leave the person. I assume they’re insensitive or smug, and life’s too short to hang with those people.
When someone is obviously being condescending or arrogant, the dilemma becomes very real. I am pretty easily insulted, and not always able to respond at all without escalating the situation. So usually, again, I just slink off, and my self-respect suffers. That’s too bad, because I remember just about every hurtful thing anyone has said or done to me, way back into childhood, and the cumulative weight of all that becomes very real at a time like this. So there’s a great compulsion to say, or do, something drastic.
There’s a pro tennis player from France, Gael Monfils, who reminds me of Buckwheat, and I said so out loud at this year’s Tennis Masters tournament. From the shocked reactions on some people’s faces, you’d have thought I uttered a racial slur. But no slur was intended; the dude really looks like a grown-up Buckwheat, and I’m still not sure what’s so sacreligious about pointing it out.
RE’ Gala Matrix Fire:
(Quote:
Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer
She countered that he SHOULD have known and his lack of knowledge is itself offensive…
Wow, tough to fight that logic. I’m apparently offending myriad people right now and not even knowing why. )
sorry, meant to quote this…
I think she has a point, there, though. He knew about the existence of the character Buckwheat, apparently by having seen said character in action before.
If he didn’t realize that Buckwheat was a horribly stereotyped, racist creation and that a modern-day Black person would not be likely to find him amusing but highly offensive, he SHOULD have, I agree.
Sort of like Clayton Williams’ “joke” about rape way back when…oh, but he was just having fun, meant no offense. Yeah, right. if he DIDN’T know how offensive his “joke” was, he certainly should have. Either way, no free pass from me.
That first bit touches on my “Jovial Dick” thread and was what I thought of in reading the OP. There are plenty of people who couch their dickish behavior in a pleasant, jovial manner. If you react to it, you get labeled the dick by all the sheep who see only the other person’s pleasant manner. Even if that pleasant manner is a lie and a cover for their dickish behavior.
Similarly, I find it very hard to believe that someone in this day and age could claim that “buckwheat” wasn’t a racial stereotype that could be considered offensive.
However, at the same time I have to recognize my own annoyance that calling people “monkeys” is perfectly OK except when talking about black people. Hell, we’re all monkeys (or apes, but you know…), it shouldn’t contain any racial connotations. And I recognize my own issues with my calling younger men “boy” (especially when I worked Security and they quite literally were boys) and then having black children take offense, as they certainly have a historical basis to do so.
But such is the minefield of racial issues in America. Too many perjoritive terms, too much sensitivity to remnants of that terminology.
Anyway, back on track;
1> I have difficulty with people who use terms or make statements that can easily cause offense, then hide behind a jovial mask to claim that they meant no offense and you’re being overly sensitive, and;
2> I certainly DO believe that you can and possibly even should take offense in some cases, even if the person was completely oblivious to the possibility that they may cause offense and did not mean to do so. It is only by taking offense and making an issue of it that the offender is shown that their behavior may cause offense to some.
In which case I again have to fall back to my “two kinds of people” idea, which is that the first kind of person will admit fault, apologize and try not to repeat the behavior, but the second will refuse all responsibility and make you the villain for daring to accuse them.
I get what some are saying, with the fact that Buckwheat the character is a racist characature…
but I’ll be honest and say I didn’t know that, while at the same time being aware of the show and the character. I’m 26 and I really haven’t had any watching of the show, but I’ve heard of the show and the character and have seen pictures of the kid. So I’d get references in a general sense, but that’s about it.
Though I wasn’t really surprised when I found out it was a racist caricature, since I knew it was an older show/shorts/whatever.
Ok, so I’m not quite done rambling on different points…
There comes a time when you have to recognize that feeding, building and holding a grudge/mental lawsuit/buttload of anger at someone over something like this is like feeding, building and keeping a pet monster. It becomes something you’re doing not because of what the other person did, even though you constantly tell yourself that’s why you’re doing it, but rather something you yourself desire to do in order to feed your other personal demons.
I’d say your sister’s reaction to be offended was natural.
And if the guy really was clueless, she should accept the apology and move on. She’s going to have a rocky road if she expects the entire world to be dialed in to her social norms.
I’m not surprised she took offense and I think she has a real right to be angry. But I don’t think she should get offended at his lack of knowledge, especially now that he suffers no such lack. (What if he had never called her that at all? How would she know he didn’t know?)
The guy wrote an apology and for the moment it ought to be taken as completely sincere. Were I in her place I’d forgive but not forget; if he seems to be making a real effort to refrain from such remarks in the future then I’d consider the lesson learned, but if he kept trying to push the boundaries with similar references accompanied by a sly peek out of the corner of his eye to gauge her reaction, then I’d bring an HWE complaint or whatever measures are deemed acceptable in that office.
