In any number of situations I will end up chatting with someone to whom I have not been introduced. I don’t mean a situation such as in line at the grocery store, but, say, at church, or a party, or at my child’s school.
After some point I will say something like, “Oh, I should introduce myself, I’m carlotta” to which I hope the other person will respond with his or her name. And sometimes they do, but more often than not, they say, “Nice to meet you,” but don’t give me their name.
Does this happen to other people?
The best interpretation I can think of for this is that the other person is shy (which I am too) and simply forgets to add their own name at the end of “nice to meet you” because, despite appearing fine, they are in a mild state of social anxiety at the moment.
The worst interpretation I can think of is that I somehow missed the message that it is a total faux pas to introduce yourself and nobody but me EVER does it and people are walking away from the encounter thinking “She told me her NAME! What is up with that?? Weirdo.”
I’m guessing you’re right about the social anxiety theory. There is nothing rude or weird about introducing yourself to someone at the same event.
I’ve noticed this, too, sometimes. And I really don’t know how to respond politely. I’m so tempted to say “And what’s your name?” like the person was a 3 year old!
Hi, my name is Jet and I’m an … Oh wait, wrong meeting!
I think that along with the anxiety, some people get wrapped up in the notion that many of our social constructs are disingenuous, and try to avoid them when possible. I’ve been known to doff questions such as “How are you?” with a casual, “Eh” rather than impose upon the questioner something I don’t really think they’re interested in anyways. Maybe I’ve just got issues but it might be that to them, they think it won’t really make a difference, so they don’t bother. I think also that goes along with being shy.
Also, if you’re talking mainly about casual meetings such as in the grocery store, or other random encounters that are not strictly meetings per se, I think a lot of people these days might find it a bit creepy to be asked to identify themselves, however politely. There’s a certain amount of privacy I think most of us crave inherently. If a random encounter should repeat itself, and you find yourself chatting with the same person again later, then I think the creepiness factor goes down a bit.
No, not in the grocery store! I wouldn’t introduce myself to someone I just happened to be standing in line with at the grocery store. That would creep me out too. That was my example of the kind of place where I wouldn’t do this, as opposed to something like church or a party, where everybody is, at least temporarily, part of some sort of “community”
What would be a non-“disingenuous social construct” way for two people who are chatting to introduce themselves?
I’m pretty sure it’s the social anxiety factor, since that often happens to me. Also, I’ll be asked something like “How are you,” or “What’s your name” and I’ll respond and then forget to ask the question in return. Later I’ll think, “Oh my god, they probably thought I was so stuck on myself.”
It must be just you, because people are always approaching me…
“hey !@#%&*#, what the !@#%@# are you @!#%@#% looking at? You @#%^# want me should #%# break your %^$%^ face?”
No really, I was only joking…actually, I have found that my sexy smile and even sexier rear apparently works fairly well as an ice-breaker. And I mean everywhere…even at the stores. But I am no model or even stud, hunk, or whatever, just a normal guy.
Try smiling more and do not be afraid to hold there gaze for just a second, and then, if they still do not make a move but you are still interested, try actually talking to them yourself.
Actually, I work in a field where I am constantly having to do the whole “social” thing, and I’ve even been in cotillion (etiquette & dance lesson, for those of you not in the south).
I can deal with all of the socially acceptible forms of interaction when I’m “on stage” as it were, but in real life I’m much more of a recluse.
As for non-disingenuous ways of getting to know people, anything that stands out and doesn’t sound cliche gets my attention. It’s more the idea of letting them know that you’re really interested in making a new friend/acquaintance than just trying to show that you’re doing the socially acceptible thing.
If you’ve seen the person before, but don’t know their name, next time you speak to them say something like, “Here I am chatting away and I realize I haven’t the proper sense to ask your name! I hope you don’t think I’m a total boor for not asking sooner.”
Or, alternatively, "Your name wouldn’t by chance be Susan? You remind me of a Susan … " and if they get the hint they will correct you. (But this can be tricky if there’s someone by that name they don’t particularly wish to be related to)
My favorite introduction from a new acquaintance was, “I should like to call you by name, but until I know it I shall call you ‘friend’.”
Anything that would imply that you have an interest in knowing, and are genuinely interested in engaging them in a conversation.
I’ve never had that specific problem, but I do get annoyed when Im with my wife and she runs into friends of hers Ive never met; she neither introduces them to me, nor do they seem to make the effort to introduce themselves.
After standing around like a tool, I usually have to eventually say “Hi, I’m Vinnie” then my wife makes a joke about how rude she is fpr not introducing me, her HUSBAND and then the ice is broken.
I make it a policy to introduce myself as much as possible to people in social situations, even if I’m just standing against a wall and never met them before. I think it’s the polite thing to do.
We do live in a society with McDonald’s etiquette, thats for sure.
This happens with my folks all the time. They know a gajillion people and whenever I am in my hometown, they are always stopping to talk to someone or another. And sometimes they don’t introduce me. It’s pretty annoying, but it’s usually because they’re not sure of the person’s name!
So, now that I’m a grown-up and everything, I do the “Hi, I’m Elizabeth, Julie’s daughter,” or whatever…and yeah, the vast majority of the time, they don’t tell me who they are! I feel kind of stupid asking people my parents’ age to identify themselves, but I do it, largely because it helps my parents. If they are not sure of the person’s name, it helps if I ask them who they are.
But, I’ve been guilty of the behavior myself. I’ll try to be more careful in the future.
Interesting. I was with a group of musicians last night. Most of the folks in the group know each other pretty well, but I’m a newbie to (most of) them.
The hostess forgot to introduce me to one player, so before the evening was over, I made it a point to introduce myself. I do this by saying "I don’t think I’ve met you before. I’m Archergal.*
She, of course, replied, “Oh, hi, I’m Janey.”
If she’d failed to state her name, I’d have said something like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.”
I don’t know if that’s rude of me, but I’m moderately relentless when I’m on a quest for information.
*Not, alas, my real name.
I have found that certain places seem to have a certain something about them that is more conducive to socialization. Unfortunately, I don’t know what that certain something is. However, I suspect that it has to do with whiteness and brightness. Seriously. White walls, flourescent lights, highly polished floors . . . bad place to meet a new friend. Maybe the institutionalized atmosphere of white and bright environments puts people on the defensive? Darkness and shadows, however, seem to be good places to have conversations. Or so it seems to me. My experiences over the last couple days at school–I just started a new semester–seems to support my white and bright theory. A number of people have introduced themselves to me in the last couple days in some of the darker and comfier areas at school. The vibe I get in some of those really big and bright rooms, though, leads me to believe that I’m going to have a couple classes where most of the students will forever remain strangers to each other.
Unless it’s just that English people are a lot nicer than math people? Hell, I don’t know . . . I’m tired.
