Dealing with shyness/social anxiety: a concrete opportunity

In My Humble Opinion
1

Starting Monday, I will begin a year-long association with 18 other people in an endeavor to improve the efficiency and effectiveness of local government. This is California, and it is called a Civil Grand Jury. I volunteered for this, and I really want to make it work, for me as well as for the larger good.

We have had three orientation/training sessions already, and my social anxiety (what I used to call pathological shyness) is kicking in among all these strangers. I find myself thinking that, among those who notice me at all, they all find me a little odd or something. And then I realize that this might be either me seeing my issues reflected in their reactions (i.e. it’s real), or purely imaginary based on my issues. Possibly some of both.

In any case I know it’s up to me, and I also know that I do really well with other people once we get to know each other. I am eager to get to that point, but I have never known how to do it except to wait while I very gradually become more comfortable.

So, the first meeting will probably include a go-around-the-table and talk about yourself opportunity. I had thought about just saying out how shy I am, and also that as an older gay man I spent my formative years hiding a large part of my real feelings, and that it’s not personal but it just takes me a while to warm up. Then I thought that this would be calling unnecessary drama and attention to myself and that made me even more uncomfortable.

I know there are a lot of Dopers who have many of these same issues. I don’t really expect a solution (it has defied several years of therapy, for example) but if nothing else I hope a discussion about this would make me feel better, and maybe I’ll have something useful to hold onto for this first meeting.

2

I’m a shy person with anxiety. I joined a group similar to this in 2015 - the city’s Redevelopment & Future Growth Committee.

I felt very shy and intimidated by both the young woman who clearly went to business school, and the old guys who had been a part of the same committee 20 years earlier.

I kept going to meetings, though. When it was time for intros, I just talked about how much I loved my city and was excited to be involved. Also pointed out how I knew almost everyone in the room somehow - mostly through their kids or grandkids (I’ve lived here my whole life)

Anyway, turns out the business-like woman was also intimidated by the old guys and quit after the first meeting. A bunch of other people quit, too (or just stopped showing up and we told them don’t come back).

I was voted as the secretary of the group, mostly because I can type. Someone else was voted the chairman, which made it easier for me to relax. He had to make the decisions and control the people.

By the second half of our 18 months we had a really good, smaller group. It was all people who, just like me, were passionate as heck about the city and could agree on all the points we wanted to present in our document. After we were done and presented the document to council (well, the chairman did), the old guys came up to me and told me how much they enjoyed working with me and liked my work.

Now I am fighting my anxiety and running for city council!

Anyway, I think my point is…you’re there because you have an interest in your city. You’ve got a passion for it. That will take you far. When the dust of “getting to know you” clears you will all be left with one thing in common - the city. Your voice will be important as an older guy, a gay guy, and a guy with a spouse from a different culture. Heck, your voice as a shy person will be important because the people who are IN local government are probably not shy people!

Saying your shy because you’re gay may make some people feel uncomfortable. But the other stuff you want to say “I’m shy, don’t take it personally, I promise I’ll warm up” will be fine IMHO. Quickly switch to your passion about the city and the greater good and everyone will relate to you right away.

Good luck! Good job!

3

Thank you very much for sharing your experience, it gives me a good (and different) perspective.

4

I will add that I think it’s good that you are thinking through this part of it in advance. I find that preparing my thoughts helps me manage anxiety for public interactions.

I think that focusing on why you are there is a good suggestion. Keep the focus on the group and how you can contribute. I don’t think you need to volunteer details about your anxiety at this stage. The situation reminds me a bit of advice women are often given in public speaking or large meetings - not to apologize or self-deprecate. No need to undercut your own worth in the process.

5

Congratulations on taking this step! I too am socially anxious and remain relatively isolated so you have already done far more than I would!

I can only echo the excellent advice above - “tell us about yourself” doesn’t need to get personal – talk about how long you have lived there, what made you want to get involved in the group, what stood out for you about what was covered in training, etc. Personal chat will come up naturally during breaks.

This may seem silly, but smile when you introduce yourself, even if it feels a little forced. Having a warm smiling voice when you make a first impression will go a long way. Lean forward (I tend to want to fold into myself or cross my arms), look enthusiastic.

And if all else fails, f*** em if they think you’re weird. :stuck_out_tongue: You are a smart guy and you want to use your talents to make things better. There is no perfect personality to do that and everyone there has a different set of strengths and weaknesses. Yes, there will be some people more comfortable with networking, gladhanding and interacting. Perhaps you are better at analysis, writing and written communication and that is a place you can shine while they shine at what they are more comfortable with. You will make contributions and the group will see that.

I find this in a group I am in – I am Treasurer because I am organized and good at documentation, spreadsheets, etc., but they know I hate to speak in front of the group! They acknowledge I am good at the parts I do and are patient with the rest of it. :slight_smile:

6

(bolding added)

Thank you very much for your perspective. I feel the need to clarify that I don’t really have a problem speaking in front of a group, even if my voice may shake a little at first; it’s the part I’ve bolded where I have my most severe problems. Small talk and chat are the hardest things for me, and where (I fear) I come across as aloof and remote because I so often don’t have much to say. And I still have a little emotional hitch when people ask things like whether I have children or grandchildren. I suspect like many older gay men, I still feel awkward about “coming out” to new people.

I’m sure it will work out fine over time, I just wish I could find some magic way to get over that first awkwardness.

7

Perhaps the social chat is where you can prep some talking points: I live in blank area, I work at business of x type (or retired or), I wanted to participate because civic minded or ??, and so on. Have a few topics ready to go. More importantly, have some questions ready to go. I find that if I can get people talking, things get much easier. Most people aren’t like me. They like talking. :slight_smile:

Another thing I do is take notes. Jot a few notes during the intros. Then if someone comes up to you, you can try and connect them to your notes. (Maybe have some words ready to go on that to, like “I’m horrible at remembering names and faces. Can you remind me what you said during the introduction?” If they jar your memory, or you do remember something, you can make that connection point, like “you mentioned liking model railroads. Do you build those or just visit trains?” Either way, you’re re-directing towards them talking. (I like it when they talk.)

8

That was my thought too - people remember my mom as a great conversationalist and she did 90% listening (we called her The Ear :slight_smile: ). If you are considerate enough to remember details about people and ask more about them, they will think positively of you and look forward to chatting with you.

The idea of meeting a bunch of strangers is stress-inducing to me too, sometimes even horrifying, but in a way these aren’t strangers. You share a common purpose and basis for being there. Even if you ask, what did you think about xyz in the training sessions? or How did you like the training? (open-ended means more chance for them to answer) it’s common ground to start from.

I’m a spinster and I answer the “kids” question with “Nah, just me. I have enough troble keeping myself together” or something silly like that, and then I ask about theirs. That way they know I’m not sad about it and I am happy to hear about others’ families.

ETA: Or if you’re comfortable enough, I think it is OK to lightly touch on your anxiety in a way that doesn’t make it sounds serious, but gets people on your side. “Oh, I’m terrible at small talk!” or even “I’ve always been shy getting to know people but I’m exicted about this group and the possibilities”. Drop a hint in so they are aware but just as an aside (bug in their ear), moving on to positive things.

9

How is it going? I am thinking of finding some new activity that gets me out of the house and anxiety is stepping in. I hope you’re having a positive experience!

10

Thanks for asking. There wasn’t actually that much opportunity for socializing, except for the few minutes before the meetings start with the other early arrivers. I am speaking up in the meetings from time to time, as events call for it, but I find that this is exactly the wrong size group for me to exercise my brain power in - too big for regular back-and-forth issue exploring, and too small for formal debating. I expect I will get in the groove pretty soon.

We will be breaking up into smaller committees pretty soon and I think that will go better for me. I guess the bottom line is that it wasn’t the opportunity for working on social anxiety that I thought it might be.

11

Still, it sounds like an interesting experience. Perhaps the smaller committees will be a better chance to connect with people.

12

I don’t know why, Roddy, but somehow I’ve always thought you were Canadian. Strange.

StG