Is it rude for me to ask my sister-in-law not to use my first name?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Only middling RhymerDrama today. Here’s the sitch:

I hate my first name, which, for the sake of this discussion, we’ll pretend is Eustace Clarence Scrubb. I hate my first name couldn’t shake “Eustace” through elementary & junior high school because the teachers wouldn’t cooperate; but midway through high school I began attending a school where it was traditional for teachers to address all students as either “Mr. LastName” or “LastName,” and for the students to simply say “LastName.” So while at that school I was just Scrubb or Mr. Scrubb; and in college and at my first post-high-school job, I got a diminuative of Rhymer firmly established as my “first” name. I have never introduced myself to anyone as “Eustace” outside of a formal context requiring the name on my driver’s licence; but I’ve never gotten it changed legally, either.

Now, as much as I hate my actual first name, I don’t insist that my family (read: persons who knew me before puberty) call me Scrubb. But it’s not generally an issue with anyone but my father, who’s set in his ways, because my mother always used my middle name anyway (I don’t think she ever intended to use the first name). Three of my sisters follow suit. My baby sister calls me “Big Brother” or “Big Scrubb” (she too hates her first name, so she sympathizes without being asked; I call her “Little Scrubb”); and the older brother I like calls me “Scrubvster” or “Little Brother Brother.” My wife calls me simply “Scrubb.” (I don’t use her first name in direct address either.)

This weekend, the aforementioned brother was in town, along with his wife, “Kang-ja” who is from Korea and not possessed of the best English skills. They’ve been married about two years now, but for various reasons I’d never had occasion to spend any time alone with her, though my sisters have. At one point she addressed me as Eustace , prompting me to say something along the lines of “Excuse me, Kang-ja. I really, really hate that name. Would you mind calling me Scrubb?”

Someone in the family–for the record, not Kang-ja or my brother–feels this was rude. It’s one thing for me to eschew my given name among non-family members, this person averred, but Kang-ja is family now, and her last name is Scrubb too. English is hard enough for her as it is; an exception should be made for her.

Opinions, anyone?

Y’all can keep calling me Skald or Skaldie or Skaldirumus, by the way. If that bothered me I’d have unleashed the monkeys long ere now.

2

It was fine for you to make the request, particularly for someone who may not pick up on all the subtle clues English speakers use to soften such a correction. If someone was offended, they need to unknot their panties a little.

3

It depends on how you say it. It could conceivably come off as condescending if you’re brusque or humorless about it. If you’re self-effacing about it, use humor, say something like “please, everybody calls me _____. Eustace makes me feel like a dork,” etc. it’s fine. Basically phrase it so that you come of like you’re including her, not excluding her, and it’s fine. Any expression of open irritation could seem belittling and dismissive. You have to make it known that it has nothing to do with any personal feelings about her.

Like I said, use humor.

4

No, it’s not rude. It’s helpful. Since you have never met her before, it’s certain that she has no intention of causing you discomfort or offense. She made a not unreasonable assumption about what you are to be called. She tried it once. You told her your preference. Now she knows. It would be rude for you to endure her calling you by a name you hate and then, years later, for her to find that she has been giving you offense.

5

I’d met her several times ere this; it’s just that yesterday was the first time that she and I ever spent any time alone together.

6

My given name is something a bit different than my legal name (as in, I have never been called by my legal name by ANYONE and would likely not realize I was being addressed if someone did).

Occasionally someone will bust out the legal name and I have no problem asking them them use my given name. Sometimes people will argue or continue to use the legal name to be ‘funny’. I consider them rude, and have no trouble being rude back - or at least making it clear that what they think is hilarious really isn’t.

So - I think you’re fine. I also think some members of your family really, really go out of their way to find things to get offended about.

7

You’re pretty much entitled to be called whatever you like, and explaining with something like “Please call me Scrubbo - all my friends do” is absolutely cool. Both Mrs M and I have forenames that allow two pet forms, one of which we each dislike, so we ask to be called by the other or the full version, whichever people prefer.

I also expect Koreans sometimes have names they dislike, and prefer to be called something else too.

8

It’s a long term relationship. Might as well fix it now, rather than have her visits be like nails on the chalkboard for you forever.

She may think that she’s too much of an outsider to use your nickname, and think that it is more polite to use your formal name. Inviting her to use your preferred handle may help welcome her into the inner circle [del] of your thralls [/del] of the family.

9

If you were named that, you probably almost deserved it.

No, not rude at all- just gently explain why you prefer she doesn’t & slap her upside the head every time she does it thereafter.

10

If Scrubb is legitimately hard for her to pronounce, maybe you guys can find something else for her to call you that doesn’t offend your sensibilities - it sounds like there’s not a lot of uniformity in address going on here, anyway. But I see nothing wrong with asking her not to call you by a name that you don’t like. Maybe there’s a simple Korean word that means “brother-in-law” or even just “brother” that you guys would both be OK with.

And the third party who is judging whether you are rude to Kang-ja needs to get a life.

11

Rhymer Rule 18d prevents me from striking a woman. As it is, since she unwittingly violated the “Skald does not hug people on account of being so emotionally constipated” rule, I have been obliged to schedule a fistfight with my brother for later today. :wink:

12

My given name is James. When I was a little kid, my parents called me “Jimmie.” When I was seven or eight I decided I hated that, and wanted to be called Jim. That is the name I have gone by ever since. My parents respected that, though it took them a while to get the idea.

Nowadays, of course, if family or friends want to call me by some other form, like “Jimmy” or “Jimbo,” I could care less. I’m a big boy now, and I see it as a sign of affection. But I have this one old family friend, whom I met when I was nine. I’m 39 now, she’s 43. Somehow she has always had it in her head that “Jimmie” is my given name, despite repeated attempts over the years to disabuse her of this notion. Or that everyone else calls me Jim in her presence. In one ear, out the other.

It irritates the hell out of me because this is how she introduces me to other people. I’ll make the correction on the spot, right in front of my friend, which usually gets me an eye-roll from her. She just doesn’t get it. I’ve gone to parties she’s hosted where I didn’t really know anyone, and by the end of the night everyone in the room is calling me “Jimmie.” Gah!

So, no, not rude to correct your sister-in-law at all. Nip it in the bud.

13

I think what you said was perfectly fine, Skaldikins.

14

As someone who has been on the other end, I really prefer it when people tell me what they want to be called. I have a good friend who I called “Denny” for years, because that is how he was introduced to me. He never said anything. Finally, his wife told me, “He really hates the name Denny and prefers to be called ‘Dennis’.” I never called him Denny again, and I wish he had told me sooner.

Sometimes, we are so intent on not being rude, that we forget that people want to call us what we prefer to be called. I am sure she doesn’t want to call you something you hate.

15

I’m fine with what you did. She doesn’t know that the family is ignoring your request with respect to your name.

16

A distant relative of mine has a first name which has a diminutive that is also a nickname for the penis. He was called that nickname, or an even more diminutive form until he was a teen, at which time he switched to the formal version, which does not mean penis.

The best part was, in order to learn not to answer to the hated name, he allowed his younger siblings to punch him anytime they could get him to respond to it.

Good times.

17

I have an uncle named Clement who goes by Bill, or C. William in formal contexts. If anyone calls him “Clement” once, he’ll correct them; anything more often than once (and usually once as well) is someone being deliberately rude.

And FriarTed, I’m glad to see someone else recognized the reference Skald made.

18

Why not?

19

I voted “rude”, but on second thought, I think specifying a preference for a particular form of address is OK, as long as it is applied to all family members - not just one particular relative.

20

I think you’ve been a little rude, but not in letting her know you don’t like being called Eustace. Where you went wrong is in not letting her know what you prefer to be called at some point in the previous 2 years. Especially if your brother introduced you as “my little brother.” I mean, if she knows your name is Eustace, and your dad calls you Eustace, how the hell is she supposed to know it’s a problem unless you tell her? By not giving her a heads up, you set her up to be embarrassed when you finally did correct her. Not not a huge deal, but also not very cool.