Just casually, in conversation with a stranger, is it rude to ask if they are retired? I’ve been getting asked that a lot lately. (I’m not.) Do I look that old? It strikes me as somewhat equivalent to asking someone if they are pregnant. “You look fat. Are you pregnant?” Nobody would do that! Why is it okay to ask someone if they are close enough to the grave to have quit working? Or am I just getting too sensitive in my old age?
A priori I would’ve said not rude, just silly, but I do have a prior. Five or so years ago I was in a conversation with someone somewhat randomly, maybe at an airport? Any case they ask me if I was retired, at the point wish I was 52 years old, and I was briefly annoyed. So, slightly rude I guess.
A priori i would have said the same… And i don’t have a prior, but comments here have made me reconsider.
I think the relevance to the conversation matters. Are you trying to set up an on-line bridge game with someone you don’t know well? “Do you tend to be available during work days?” us a reasonable question.
And I’ve told a retired woman in Sweden three times now that the reason my US-east-coast group is scheduling stuff after her bed time is that we mostly have full time jobs.
I wouldn’t take it as rude, though others have pointed out more versatile ways of asking a similar question. I think it’s closer to asking somebody who appears to be around 20 whether they’re a student than it is to asking somebody with a large belly if they’re pregnant, because it’s less peculiar to somebody’s body shape in particular, which is always potentially touchy.
That said, I’m likelier to say something like “So what do you do?”, but then that tends to be an American question that some non Americans see in terms of American work focus. Maybe better to get there more gradually.
Yes, it’s somewhat rude, or at least insensitive. It’s not pleasant to be told you look old enough to be retired, so unless you’re in your late 70s, it’s not something you want assumed.
Recently someone assumed I was a pensioner. I’m 44 and, even on my worst days, don’t look anywhere near retirement age (my self-esteem about my looks is fairly low, but even I am certain about this), but I’m disabled; some people only see the disability. And they said pensioner, which in the UK specifically means over 60 at least - it’s not applied to people with disabilities. On the exact same day, someone else - who hadn’t seen me walking - assumed I was a millennial, and I’m only five years away from that. I’m so glad that happened, because the other comment was pretty depressing.
The person who assumed I was elderly actually is someone I might have assumed was retired, but she’s quite proud of still working and I’m certain would be offended at the suggestion that she wasn’t a productive member of society.
I was sad the first time someone offered me an over sixties ticket to something. He wasn’t being rude. I was only six months off sixty. it just made me sad. And I have to wait until sixty six until I’m officially retirement age too.
If someone mentions that they are over 65 it might be ok to bring it up. Especially if you yourself are old and retired. But no matter what it must be a conversation with a context that allows you to ask any personal question like that.
In times like these, you can easily start a conversation about that with a question like ‘so, are you still working?’. I work with a lot of people in an industry that had a ton of layoffs a few years back and that was my go to question for them back then and it applies just as well now.
Additionally, instead of asking someone if they’re retired, you can ask them if they took/were offered ‘early retirement’. Now, instead of the person assuming you think they’re 65+, they’re assuming you think they’re well under the typical retirement age for their industry. But, again, that was a line I used when making conversation with people in an industry with mass layoffs a few years back. Many of them that were within 10 years of retirement got to retire early with all their benefits in tact, some of them even got a pretty nice golden parachute. So they were often happy to talk about it.
I would assume it means you sound like someone who doesn’t have a job or spends a lot of time screwing off. I know several wealthy people and I’ve asked several of them if they are retired mainly after them telling me about the 6th or 7th week long vacation of the year or in the case of an ex pro athlete I know it was a way to ask if he got another job after retiring from sports.
I think it is insensitive, yes. But I have also heard people talk about the awkwardness of being asked what they do for a living when they are unemployed or embarrassed about their job. So I suppose people would be best to steer clear of the topic of work if they don’t wish to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Slightly off topic - I guess it was 20 or 25 years ago that I read this, so there’s a very good chance times have changed. But the piece said in the UK, to ask a total stranger “what do you do for a living?” was as rude as asking “how much money do you make?”.
It happened to me today at the barber shop. They have a discount for seniors and the woman apparently didn’t want to ask my age or if I was a senior, so she asked if I was retired. I answered (honestly) no, but since I gathered that it was for the purpose of lowering the price, I said that a was a senior. I got the discount ($2) and added half of it to the tip I was planning to give her.
A bit tactless. “What do you do for work?” would be better and gets the same information. I like to be pretty broad and ask things like “How do you spend your days when you’re not [doing whatever we are doing]?”
I didn’t answer the poll because I thought it was oversimplified.
Mrs. L and I travel a lot for pleasure. Some of it involves the RV, some flying, some day trips in the car. An acquaintance, noting the amount of photos we’re forever posting on social media, thought we must be retired (because who travels that much?). It was an innocent comment and we didn’t take offense. I think he was wondering if we’d done so well for ourselves that we could retire, actually.
Mrs. L and I sometimes lament what we spend on travel (but we recover quickly). Some people pour money into hunting cabins or collecting coins or buying timeshares or whatever. This happens to be our thing and we don’t have the latest car in our driveway or the most expensive home on the block. This is our priority.
If you’re giving off clues that you have vast expanses of free time or treasuring the grandkids or other retirement-related things, maybe they’re jumping to the wrong conclusion.
As others have pointed out, some may be trying to give you a discount. I’d give the benefit of the doubt.
