This is it exactly with me. Kids are a huge sacrifice, and I’m frankly not interested in making it unless the kid is mine biologically. It’s enough of a dealbreaker for me that I would consider divorce sooner than adoption.
That said, I’m sure there are some circumstances in which I’d adopt–but only if the baby had a close connection to me. E.g., my sister and husband died in a horrible car wreck.
I am more like you. Of course, I have always wanted to adopt a child. Even though I’d like to have the experience of having a biological child and will be sad if it turns out that I’m infertile, I’ve always planned on also adding to my family with fostering/adoption as well.
I think that for some people, the genetic thing is a big deal. It’s very hard to give up on the dream of having a child who “looks like them” or has other genetic traits in common with them. I also think a lot of people have negative ideas about adoption (like the idea that adopted children are all hopelessly damaged and dysfunctional, even though that isn’t true).
It does seem like some people lose sight of the fact that the pregnancy is a small portion of what it means to be a parent. Even if I were very focused on having a biological child and doing fertility treatment, if it didn’t work out, then I’d still want to adopt a child.
No, adoption won’t give you the chance to personally squirt the child out your genitals, but it will give you the chance to be a parent in just about every way that actually counts. It seems kind of like a waste to throw away the chance to have a lifetime of being a parent because you didn’t incubate the kid yourself.
Eh, it’s close enough. I’d take my sibling’s kids in a second if something happened. I can just only see us adopting a stranger’s kid out of a sense of charity, which isn’t good enough. I would do it for my husband, but luckily he feels the same way I do.
I would argue that a part of you (the values you teach them, the love you show them, the way you teach them to view the world) will get passed down to future generations because of how you raise your adopted children.
Genetics are not destiny. Environment also does influence how people turn out. I am sure many of us have had the experience of seeing how dysfunction is passed from one generation to the next in some families - and thankfully good traits can also be transmitted that way too.
I wonder if people’s views on this question are influenced by whether they see parenting as a means to an end (the sacrifice you mention) vs. actually enjoying the process of parenting as an end in itself.
I think there are a lot of things about parenting that I would be sad to miss out on if I never had a child at all (holidays, playing games with the kid, getting to see how they build their own life, etc.). I’d be happy to get the chance to experience those kinds of things with an adopted child if I couldn’t have a bio kid.
Article about a gay couple who adopted 12 kids from foster care that I thought illuminatiprimus might like. 
Now i understand i am clearly bias on this subject, When we discovered that my beautiful wife could not have children, We jumped at the chance to adopt a child.
Being a parent was that important to the both of us. I think that wanting a baby “only if it has my genes or comes from my womb” is vanity and mildly Narcissistic. do you want a baby or a thophy?
OTOH, adopting out of foster care can be far more complicated and difficult than it seems. In the US the emphasis is on reuniting families, and so many foster care children are simply not on the adoption list. I have known people who badly wanted to adopt out of foster care, but wound up on an endless roller coaster that led nowhere. Others were successful. It’s partly the luck of the draw, it seems.
Any adoption is just not as simple as it sounds.
She may be feeling like she has invested so much in the whole procedure already that it has become part of her identity and can’t give it up without losing part of herself.
If that’s the case, she is going to need professional help to break off with the fertility treatments and come to grips with the fact that she is one of those people who is not going to give birth.
When I was faced with the possibility of being unable to have bio children, I did not want to adopt. It may seem shallow to some (and I don’t mean in any way to disparage adoption which I think is a wonderful thing for those who want it), but the biological connection felt important to me. I have gone on to have two bio children, and I feel this sense of continuity when I look at them - they inherited their red hair from my much missed grandma, my daughter resembles my father, my son has my mother’s eyes, both kids look a little like my brother. As I said, shallow in the face of it, but it fulfills something deep inside of me to see my loved ones (especially the ones who are no longer with us) live on in my children.
I am not disagreeing with the idea that parenting is much, much more than the process of childbearing, but independent of the experience of parenthood, the experience of pregnancy and childbirth is pretty significant and life altering. I mean, you wouldn’t say to a birth mother of an adopted child “So you personally squirted a child out of your genitals. Big deal. You did some incubating”. You’d recognize that it was probably a profound and transformative experience for her. If someone lost their only child at birth, you wouldn’t say they didn’t have a kid in “any of the ways that actually count”.
People aren’t being flaky, or trivial, or missing the point, when they are interested in having that experience. They aren’t being self-indulgent if they mourn the loss of it, independent of the experience of parenting.
I guess one thing Id add is IVF can send you a bit nutty.
As I said above, the doctors can keep you trying, theres hormones, theres a chasing your losses/gambling aspect to it as well.
The more invested in it, the harder it can be to finally give it up and examine other options, because it seems like ‘starting over’ with no guarantees for those options others - the next process can mean you’re having a child in a month, while going to adoption can mean years longer, even if you pass the requirements.
Otara
Well damn. Totally did not need this thread right now.
Have had more rounds of IUI than I know (at least 6), 2 rounds of IVF, and one round of FET (leftover embryos from the IVF). Results: 2 miscarriages prior to 10th week. Spent my inheritance from my father and a good chunk of my mother’s inheritance from her parents as well. Now out of money.
Have no idea what we’re doing next. Still mourning the miscarriage from the FET (still bleeding from it, as a matter of fact.)
Can’t afford adoption. Unwilling to take on foster child - only foster kids available are either severely disabled or age 10+. Already almost 41, Husband 45.
May just have to love Niece twice as hard.
We phrased it as “parent or breed?” Breeding wasn’t working for us, so we had to decide how important breeding was in the equation. Turned out that for us, it wasn’t terribly important. Later, we got our surprise breeding opportunity.
But I get that other people might not feel that way. I think having children, regardless of how they arrive, is a narcissistic drive. We selfishly want to pass along - if not our genes - our values. We want the chance to warp children in our image.
Parenting cures you of that, when you realize you could have cloned them and isolated them and they STILL would turn into individuals you don’t get to control.
One thing that hasn’t really been touched upon is that the ability to become pregnant is - like it or not - intensely tied to a women’s identity. So much of our lives is lived with respect to our fertility; dealing with menstruation, dealing with contraceptives, planning and, in many cases, dreaming about the implications and feeling of pregnancy and childbirth. Women are largely defined in society by our ability to have children…and when that becomes tough or impossible, it’s somewhat of a blow to our identities*.
When/if fertility treatments are available, it can, in some cases, be seen as a "fix’ to what might otherwise feel like a broken identity. In Québec, certain fertility treatments are covered under the provincial healthcare plan, so trying a couple of times is a truly valid way to not only understand what the problem may or may not be, but perhaps eventually come to terms with the reality of infertility. Or get pregnant; it’s worth the try.
Like most women, I’m assuming that when/if my husband and I decide we want kids, I’ll simply be able to get pregnant within a reasonable amount of time (a year?). If that doesn’t happen…I will have to think much harder about what I really want with regards to pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood. It’s a tough topic to examine, and as much as I encourage people to adopt if they can and want to, I’m not even sure it’s something I’d be willing to do. I just don’t know because for me, it’s a back-up plan, not actually something we’ve discussed at length. Though perhaps it’s something we should talk about…!
*I should clarify for anyone that might be worried that I’m not talking about myself; I haven’t tried to get pregnant and at this point have no concerns with respect to that. My best friend is, however, infertile due to having had leukemia as a teenager, and it’s something we talk about a lot.
I absolutely want to have children one day, and I’ve never particularly cared which way I get them. I would like to have the experience of pregnancy and childbirth, but like Manda Jo said, in the same way that I’d like to go on a trip to Europe. I could conceive, adopt or be the other parent to a female partner’s natural child - the end result will be the same.
To a point, I couldn’t make The Kidlette like jigsaw puzzles any more than I could make The Kidlet hate them - and they’re my nephews, there is a biological connection.
The part of you that you pass on to your children is not necessarily the part you’d like to pass on - but this is true whether they’re adopted, biological or from one or two donors.
I want kids, and am not particularly in love with my genetics. . . but frankly fertility treatments seem easier (and MUCH cheaper) than adoption. My doctor doesn’t have to inspect my house and pick my life, marriage, and finances apart before deciding if I get to have IVF. My OB can’t change his mind in the delivery room and take the baby away. He can’t call me up six months later and tell me my baby’s biological mother has completed a parenting class and is getting her back.
A lot of international adoptions have been reduced/locked down lately. I believe dangermom’s son is from Korea. I would do that in a heartbeat, but it’s much harder nowadays. China, too.
Well, I think a lot of people assume that wanting to have kids is a binary switch, that you either want a baby so much that you’d be willing to do ANYTHING, bankrupt yourself, deal with home visits, try over and over an over again, or you don’t want kids at all. My husband and I want a baby, but we don’t feel like our lives are horribly incomplete without one, so there are lengths to which we’re not willing to go.
I’ve also read the studies. While temperament is largely environmental, criminal behavior does have a genetic component. You don’t get to control what your kid is like, but you can sure as hell hedge your bets the best you can and decide what risks you’re willing to take.
I am okay if that makes me a narcissist. I personally think of it more as viewing the decision to have kids rationally rather than being controlled exclusively by my drive to have a little one to cuddle.
Mine, not dangermom’s. Also Cartooniverse and Shodan have kids from Korea. Of the set, mine is the youngest at 13.
When we went through our infertility battles, IVF was uncertain, with a 30% success rate after three cycles. And a minimum cost - not covered by our insurance - of $40k if you did three cycles. Its now “better” - but more expensive - but more likely to be covered by insurance. It still isn’t a sure thing. And, the fertility treatments I did (which ended with shots of Fertinex) were hell on my body and emotions - which is why we didn’t up the ante on that. Adoption from South Korea took six months and was $16k, and under our circumstances, was pretty much a sure thing. Circumstances have changed on that end, with adoption being harder and more expensive than when we did it. Though the homestudy really isn’t the big deal people are making it out to be. No one made sure I vaccuumed under the bed - its really more of a “clean, safe environment.” No one asked about our sex lives - it was “is this relationship stable, are they looking for a child to save their marriage?” Our biggest issues - I wouldn’t promise I wouldn’t spank - I see circumstances where that is appropriate. But once we understood what I was saying, we were fine. And that I’d been sexually abused and had a past history of depression - but once that was established to be fairly well resolved, that cleared as well. We also became Unitarians during our adoption - because it looks better on a homestudy. I’ve known a lot of people who have adopted, and the only people who have issues with a homestudy are those without common sense, or those who probably shouldn’t be raising kids - at least not now (some overlap there - but no common sense is the friend who insisted on being honest with his nice cross wearing social worker and going into depth on his Pagan beliefs and shouldn’t be raising kids was the woman three months into recovery for drug abuse). The biggest issue I’ve seen is that people put off having kids - and once you’ve aged out of fertility, you’ve started to age out of your adoption options as well. Most programs that aren’t open don’t let people adopt past 40 or 45. And most open adoptions have birthmothers who are more interested in finding parents who are in their 30s.