Yeah, wrong dangerous lady. 
My kids are bio. My SIL is Korean, if that helps…
Just an aside: we were never foster parents. Up here, foster parents rarely adopt the children they foster. It is a temporary home for the children until they can be placed for adoption or returned to their biological family. They do not seek out adoptive parents until the children are ‘free and clear’ (i.e. no one in the biological family has any legal rights to them).
So, there was no doubt when we were chosen that it was for life.
I think the situation in the states is different.
Definitely true. A former coworker of mine had a foster child from the time she was a toddler, and they tried to adopt her for 8 years before they succeeded when she was 13. And his wife was an employee of CPS the entire time, so she was fully aware of all the ins & outs of the process. IIRC, one hurdle was finding the bio-mother and getting her to sign a statement that she was OK with the adoption - they had trouble finding her because she was a drug addict who fell off the map, but that just made it harder, not easier.
Just reading that article made me feel tired.
Great article though.
What makes the OP think adoption is any cheaper or easier than fertility treatments?
:dubious:
I get us confused sometime.
(Wait…I didn’t write that…oh, that was her…)
Middle of the night posting fail. Sorry, danger-ladies.
FWIW, the home study you described does sound that bad to me. The quality of my marriage (or someone else’s opinion of the quality of my marriage), what we make and how we spend it, if we spank, if we believe in God, whether either of us has ever been depressed. . . that stuff is and remains none of my RE or OB’s business. I don’t care about the cleaning-- I could need to have my house ready for a white glove inspection by Martha Stewart and be perfectly fine.
Something like this, which I was near the top on a quick google: Finally Arrived: The Homestudy Questions
I don’t have to answer and be judged on questions like that to get IVF. I just need to pay.
Actually, that part of the whole thing was really interesting for my husband and me. We learned a lot about each others’ parenting philosophies and details about how the other was raised that I am not sure would come up otherwise. It was also interesting to read the final report. She nailed exactly who we are and what we are about. It was kinda creepy.
Mind you, I am neither a very private person or one that is shy about talking about myself.
Though. we had a great social worker. One conversation went like this (note that I don’t lie very well):
SW: Have you ever done any recreational drugs?
Me: Well…*
SW: Have you done any recreational drugs recently?
Me: Well…
SW: Do either of you have a problem with recreational drugs?
Me: Nope.
SW: Sounds good!
*A little MJ here and there at gigs when I sing.
Man-Cub arrived on December 11, 1990. Fem-Bot arrived on April 16, 1992. Both surrendered at birth in South Korea.
We did infertility for 4 1/2 years. Suffice to say it did some deep damage to the marriage as well as to each of us as people. My Ex ( and I have to refer to her as such, but will try not to throw bad things her way just because she is The Ex ) very badly wanted to have a baby with her body. It was agonizing every month that her body betrayed her. She quite literally mourned the loss. A tiny death by virtue of lack of life. I understood intellectually but no way did I try to represent that I viscerally got it. Never found out what was wrong with her physically. ( tons of tests, etc. ) When we first started infertility, my mighty warriors were mighty and adored swimming. 3 years in we switched doctors. Time for another test on my part. Now things were sadly on par. My body had betrayed me as well, leave it at that.
We did try for another year, every month mixing my body’s donations with an anonymous donor’s efforts. To no avail.
We’d discussed adoption quite a bit and once we really were done trying, had already researched and gathered documentation on domestic and international programs. South Korea was a no-brainer for many reasons best left for another thread.
I bonded immediately with both of them. I’ve always been a baby person, and so badly needed to see and hold the little people whose photos we’d been sent. It took her a little longer but no doubt, she was quite in love with the babies early on.
It’s an issue. A small elephant in the room. As they grow up in a lily-white town, the elephant changes in unexpected ways. But it’s always there. Do I see Asian kids when I see my children now? Of course. They’re MY children, but are not of my body. It’d be bullshit to say ( and I’ve heard this and always choke a bit ) " Oh, they couldn’t be MORE mine if we’d had them !! " Really? They’d share your genetics, health history and predispositions in terms of positive and negative developments. That’s science, not love. I love my kids and cannot imaging loving two kids more.
Every couple is different. One or both may be so angry at their own bodies, or their partners bodies, or the situation, or the familial let-down of not " carrying on the family name " in the way a lot of families NEED it to be carried on, that they will try to force themselves into wanting to adopt.
It’s not a mind-fuck one enters into lightly. A good Intake interviewer can smell hesitation and denial a mile off and will gently decline to work with them. If they truly feel open to the idea they need to have explored it and perhaps met with adoptive families and talked to parents who have adopted because of infertility ( a special kind of torture that does mean - I believe - a different way of approaching adoption than, say, a single person might ).
Feel free to email or PM me if you’d like to get into this more.
I’ve adopted two kids as well, both from South Korea.
My wife and are not infertile and we decided on adoption as a first option years ago. We never had any idea of “genes being important” and still don’t.
I’m surprised people think like that, but I guess I get it.
China, yes. Korea, not really. My wife and I put paperwork in for our 2nd adoption on February 20-something of this year and got an adoption referral on April 26.
Yeah, but the problem with being pregnant - and once you have a child - is all that stuff became complete strangers business. If you can’t handle a social worker poking into that for good reason, just wait until you get reamed out in Target by someone who thinks you shouldn’t let your baby cry - or someone who thinks you are spoiling them. Wait until someone accosts you for giving your baby a bottle. Once you have children, how clean you keep your house, whether you believe in God, and whether you have been depressed (I sure HOPE that one is your OBs business, otherwise switch OBs, you need to be screened for PPD) become your shirt tail relations, the neighbors, and your child’s friend’s parents business. Or at least they think it is.
The homestudy was a piece of cake compared to the intrusive nature of pregnancy and parenting.
None of those people have the power to make decisions about me. I am perfectly happy and capable of ignoring opinionated strangers and family members-- or telling them where to shove it if it comes to that. There’s a difference between being private, and being shy. Meet rude with rude and it’ll stop. (My little sister, mildly autistic, had public toddler-tantrums into her tweens. A good sneer and “How about you mind your own business?” goes a long way.)
They only think it’s their business, and I’m happy to enlighten them as to the truth. Can’t do that with a social worker.
Everyone’s different, I guess.