I’m sad. Well, sad wouldn’t cover everything I’m feeling but it’s a start. Is it the holidays? That’s one thing, sure. Why does it get worse every year? This terrible, welling feeling I have? Why does it feel like my soul is drowning? What is this ache that pierces everything I do, say, feel, think? Why is it that I can almost weep, why I can almost wring forth the tears that are just under the surface with a thought?
I must be just one of those types. One of those somber people, right? Melancholy… it’s just got to be the holidays. I’m a nut to even admit this here and who knows what flack I may receive for posting it. It’s not fun, not at all. Stressed, feeling very stressed right now. Angry. Angry at my mother and father. My mom is weak and has no willpower. I’d rather die than be like her so other than posting here, I won’t be telling anyone about all this. Not even my SO, though he tells me I can confide in him. What good would it do? I don’t want to complain.
My father is cold, distant… why did he have kids if he never wanted them? Just an odd thing to think about. Half my Christmas’ were spent traveling to see this cold, distant man, the other half staying put with mother and step-dad. I don’t like the holidays. Why do I feel lonely when I have friends, when I have a wonderful/loving/warm SO? Am I the only one who feels this way?
I should wrap this post up because it’s not really going anywhere. Took some pain meds and I guess that broke the wall a little, slipped through the crack a bit. I apologize for the weirdness…