Silly question, perhaps, but it’s something I’ve wondered about quite often. The consensus opinion I’ve always heard was “Yes!” and “Actually, healthy relationships only work if both people were already individually happy beforehand”; that, however, seems to directly contradict the state of individuals I’ve met firsthand. I’ve never known a chronically-single person who seemed genuinely happy, but it’s entirely possible that my social circle is simply too limited.
For the purposes of this thread, people who go through rapid series of short-term relationships still count as being attached; I guess a more precise question would be “Is it possible to be single and happy for any significant length of time?” A couple months’ hiatus between relationships isn’t enough; I’m talking more like years and years.
I especially wonder how priests / nuns / monks / the homeless / etc. get along. They willingly deprive themselves of a very strong natural drive… does this actually work or are they miserable all the time but willing / forced to bear it?
As opposed to all the coupled people you meet who are genuinely happy? :dubious:
Honestly, I’m pretty much of the opinon that if you’re inclined to be happy, you’ll be happy alone or in a relationship. No one can make you happy, at least not for long. You have to do that for yourself. Once you manage that, you’re in a much better position to find someone who complements you’re already-existing happiness, rather than picking someone and pinning your hopes on them.
Yeah, I agree with Diana. My older brother has been single his whole life, and while he’d probably love to meet that someone special he’s always been happy. I, on the other hand, have always been in a relationship and don’t consider myself to be happy. I don’t equate the two at all. I only envy happy people.
I don’t see any reason why single people can’t be happy. It’s not like we can’t do all the non-relationship related things that bring people happiness. And I suspect there’s a “the grass is always greener” thing going on with some chronically-single people. There are advantages to being single that (I’m guessing) become more obvious to someone who has spent a significant amount of time in relationships. There are certainly some people who have experienced both and who genuinely prefer to be single.
That’s not to say that a happy single person wouldn’t be happier if they were in a good relationship though. I’m sure there are plenty that would.
Count me as someone else who thinks Diana nailed it.
I’ve been single for a few years and I’m happy. I can’t say I’ll always want to be single, but I don’t even think about wanting to find someone. It’s been months since I’ve even accepted a date because I don’t want to be partnered up.
You know, not everyone has that ‘strong natural drive’ of which you speak. I didn’t even think about getting into a relationship until I was in my 20s and even then I really only did it because that’s what was expected of me. It took me a while to figure it out, but I’m perfectly happy being single. In fact, I’ve only been miserable in any relationship I was in. As a single person, I don’t have to worry about another person’s feelings, opinions or wants when I make a decision. I don’t have to take that extra second to wonder how what I want to do will affect them. I can be free to live my life as I want. I suppose it sounds selfish but I truly am happier alone.
I could be single and happy and young. Definitely through my 20s and 30s, and maybe somewhat into my 40s. I suspect that I, personally, would get more miserable with each passing year after that, though. I couldn’t imagine getting to a point where my elders were all dead or dying, my friends were all matriarchs/patriarchs and wrapped up in that (or dead or dying), and I had no spouse or children. The word loneliness does not even begin. Hell, it might be liberating though, what do I know? Diana is right in that it’s what you make of it. I’m just afraid I’d make “lonely loser” out of it :p.
This made me giggle. Who thinks about getting into a [serious, adult] relationship before they’re in their 20s?
Well I meant any relationship. I never even gave a guy a second look, let alone went on a date, till I was well into my 20s. I couldn’t have cared less at the time and pretty much feel the same way now.
I can be perfectly happy single and have been for several years at a time. I can also be perfectly happy in a relationship, like I have been for the past 8 years.
If something happens that means I’m no longer in a relationship, I see no reason to believe that I won’t be perfectly happy in a single state again.
There’s definitely something to the “happy beforehand” argument, or at least that’s how it worked for me. One of the problems with our culture, I think, is that people who aren’t hooked up are apt to believe that if they go someplace alone, they will be perceived as pitiable. This becomes more acute as the friends with whom they have usually hung out in the past, themselves find significant others and therefore become less available.
I was in that position for years, a long time ago. Practically all my friends had acquired long term romantic relationships and I used to beat myself up for being such a loser as to be, apparently, utterly incapable of finding so basic a thing in this world as love. I felt trapped because of my unwillingness to do many things alone. I had no problem going to a museum alone, but believed if I went out for a couple of brews, or to hear some live music in a club, I’d stick out like a sore thumb being alone.
Eventually, I went to San Francisco for the first time, alone naturally. Traveling was another thing which, for some reason, I never felt shy about doing on my own. And that included the brews and the live music and all the other things which I heretofore believed that only couples or gangs of friends did. After all, as an enthusiastic amateur guitarist, I would have been remiss if I didn’t cab it up to North Beach and hear three bands in three different places? When I got back to L.A. I realized how stupid that was. If I could do it when I traveled, then why not alone? And I started to make small forays out into the world. I got to know some people at the local pub, and stopped feeling so isolated. People would give me tips of CDs to buy and bands to go see–they were way hipper than my original set of friends when it came to music. Others were well versed in art, literature, or politics and there were a lot of lively discussions. It didn’t take long for my outlook to improve, and breaking out of my isolation had a lot to do with that.
Life hummed along nicely for a couple more years, and then I did meet someone. Actually it was she who made the first advance, so I must have been sending out some sort of attractive vibe. I’m sure that, four years earlier that wouldn’t have happened. Nobody wants to be around a human pile of self pity.
In short, I’d say that not being in a relationship isn’t the best of all possible worlds, but it is possible to be happy. Avoiding the trap of isolation is key.
I have spent for more time single than in relationships and I’ve spent the vast majority of that time very happy. I’m also assuming you mean romantic relationships here as I’ve had very close friends during that time. You can get a lot of the advantages of a romantic relationship out of a close friendship.
Were they times when I wanted to be in a relationship? Yeah, but it didn’t consume me. I had other focuses. I was involved in school, teaching, my church, and society in general. If I couldn’t be a whole person alone all I’d be bringing into the relationship is need.
I can speak to this somewhat as I’m Catholic seminarian. Technically I could see someone, but it would…upset people. First remember that monks and nuns usually have a very strong community life so they are not unsupported. They also often have a strong purpose in life.
Diocesan priests, the ones that most often run the local parishes, do have a higher chance of being lonely. However, this is less due to lack of romantic relationships than to the fact people sometimes aren’t all that comfortable being casual friends with them. You might go see them about the wedding, but you don’t call to see if they want to come over and have a few beers while watching the game. This isn’t universal and the vast majority of priest I meet are happy. They just have a higher chance of loneliness than those who live in community.
Now it is seen as a sacrifice, but it is seen to be one with a purpose (it helps to allow one to focus on God’s work) and not one that should drive you to abject misery. If it is you probably picked the wrong vocation.
Also, are the homeless some how precluded from having romantic relationships? That seemed an odd addition to me.
I’ve been in relationships most of my life, but have recently had a several-year long single streak.
Honestly, it doesn’t change how lonely I am. It’s perfectly possible to be lonely and in a relationships, and I often was. No one person can be everything to another person. But good friends- romantic or not- can help.
I’m single right now and very happy! I have a great job and great friends, both in relationships and out. My two best friends are dating each other, and the three of us go to parties, lectures, museums, etc. all the time. I get to chase after all the cute guys I want, and leave parties whenever I want to, stay in bed all Saturday if I want, hog the bathroom if I want, decide to turn the walk to the grocery store into a two-hour ramble…
I think it comes down to loneliness, as some in this thread have said. I have loads of friends who I can call up to say, “Yo! Midnight Watchmen premiere!Thursday! Bring a fedora!” And I love my job and feel fulfilled in my hobbies.
To answer the OP, yes. ‘Being happy’ and ‘being in a relationship’ are independent terms.
Some people are in a relationship and happy. Some people are not in a relationship and unhappy. These situations are more frequently referred to, more culturally supported and more accessible (in cognitive terms) than the remaining two possibilities: ‘in a relationhip and unhappy’ and ‘not in a relationship and happy’. Yet all four are equally common and equally likely.
There are clearly a host of social and cultural factors that serve a presupposition that ‘relationship = good thing’. ‘Boy meets girl’ is still the most basic and widely used of plots. There is a lot of money to be made out of the ‘dating’ industry in all its forms and manifestations, but it’s a little harder to make money from single people being perfectly happy as they are. Big Religion always preaches messages that will lead to a bigger tribe (and always wants the authority to declare what is, and what is not, a permissible relationship or an official one). Within my own living memory, a woman couldn’t open a bank account on her own, or at the very least she would need her husband’s signature.
We are culturally ingrained to ‘celebrate’ a new relationship and to behave as if this is some sort of automatic passport to happier times (“Hey! What’s this I hear about a new man/woman in your life!”) and to see the end of a relationship as an equally automatic door to a hell of rejection, depression and loneliness, (“Sorry to hear about the break-up”), despite the abundant evidence that sometimes the relationship just isn’t any good for either party and is its own kind of hell, and sometimes flying solo is great and feels like a privileged and unfettered paradise.
But despite all the fog of social and cultural pressure, the truth remains: ‘happy’ and ‘relationship’ have no connection at all. Or, putting a more positive spin on it, they have whatever connection you want them to have.
It is easier to be happy alone than miserable in a relationship. Being happy in a relationship means you not only have to satisfy your own needs but someone else’s in addition.
The counterpoint to that it is gives you someone to warm your toes against at night. But that’s a hell of a price to pay if you’re with someone whom with you are otherwise incompatible.
Well, I am by nature a happy person, inclined to find sublime joy in obscure and simple things like music and good food/wine. So I frequently feel intense moments of a bliss that seem to expand and radiate out of me; like that scene in Monsters, Inc. when the baby laughs and all the light bulbs get really bright until they burst.
That being said, I am deeply, fundamentally lonely. I believe it is also in my nature to be bonded to someone. I always have been, all my life since adulthood; except for the last few years. I feel a kind of fleeting sadness underneath everything, especially when I go to sleep. It always meant a lot to me to lay in the dark with my man, and just talk things over, you know? To talk about the stuff you couldn’t really say to anyone else.
So I don’t know if that’s a yes or a no answer. Perhaps I can say that it’s possible for me to be happy single, but not fulfilled.
I believe so - my default setting has been single for the best part of nine years with the occasional bit of dating (and a lot of casual sex) in between. My longest relationship to date has been six months.
I don’t really get why people who aren’t in a relationship consider themselves starved of human companionship as a result. What about friends? What about colleagues? Your life doesn’t have to consist of work and sleep if you’re single, you can go out and do lots of intersting things. Between my hobbies and friends I never feel lonely.
As for “does being in a relationship always equal happiness”, the answer is a definite no in my book, based on the experiences of my friends. As others have said, it can be a source of happiness but it’s not an end unto itself.
I live in a monastery with over thirty nuns. Overall, they seem to be some of the happiest people I’ve met. I would question whether they consider themselves single though. They are definitely in a life long relationship with the community and that has a very real impact on their happiness.
[OT]Caveat Lector, I’ve not noticed you around before. It’s always nice to see another Catholic (or anyone, really) on the path towards religious life. If you’re feeling brave, I’d encourage you to start an “Ask the Catholic Seminarian” thread. I’d love hearing more about your journey.[/OT]
First remember that monks and nuns usually have a very strong community life so they are not unsupported. They also often have a strong purpose in life.
