Is living with your parents past a certain age / income level irresponsible?

In My Humble Opinion
41

It depends. My gut reaction is people should get up and get out when they finish school … but I seem to be mellowing with age and now I realize there are a lot of different situations out there. In fact, I realized recently that I like my mother and could see how living with her could be a positive thing if we were in different circumstances. (Yes, it scared me as well.)

I guess a big thing for me is the difference between adults in a family living with each other because it makes sense emotionally, financially, socially, or whatever and they all enjoy it, as opposed to adult children who live in their parents’ house as if they were big overgrown kids. I know someone who lives in a house with her mom, and they share the responsibilities of living in and managing the upkeep of a home. On the other side of the coin, I know another woman who lives with her mom, and in that case … it feels completely like her mom’s house when I am visiting, like I would ask her mother for permission to do something as if we were still 14 years old. And I do judge that, I think it is a little irresponsible and immature.

42

I don’t know anyone who lived at home in their 20s to have fun, the people I know who did it had parents who couldn’t afford to help them though college, so when they graduated they had student loans, leftover credit card bills, and in some cases they needed to buy a car to get to work. Free rent was the only thing their parents could offer to help them out (and I actually don’t know if they gave their parents rent money or not, I didn’t ask). I suppose they could have rented and dragged out their debt, but personally I’m not sure I’d call that the responsible choice. And trust me, these people wanted to move out.

Anyhow, if your friends really are just staying at home to have fun, then maybe you just need some more upwardly-mobile friends.

43

This is one of those big “it depends” questions. People can be responsibly and maturely living with their parents. They can be lazily living with their parents. It can be a combination. It can make sense on paper but be ridiculous in practice.

In general, I’d say that if you have the money but just don’t want to spend it on un-fun stuff like rent and groceries so you live with Mom and let her spend her money on those necessities while you spend yours on X-Box games, you’re not a nice person.

But if everyone’s standard of living is lifted through communality and everyone’s happier, that’s perfect.

44

There’s a large amount of cultural legacy wrapped up in this question. In Italy, for example, it’s quite normal for single men to live with their parents until they get married.

Ed

45

I stayed on at home for years after I finished my education. :eek:

I paid my parents rent and shared the household expenses as well. I saved up until I could buy a house, then I moved out.
My parents were happy with this arrangement. I played bridge with my Mum and went with my Dad to watch sports.

I didn’t spend money on cars, expensive holidays or gadgets. I read books, played chess and saved.
The main reasons I didn’t rent elsewhere were:

  • I liked my landlord :slight_smile:
  • I kept my rent money in the family :wink:
46

True, which in many places you cannot do unless you’re older than 18 and have a good education. Or if you’re lucky and find lots of roomates with whom to share household duties.

I had classmates who moved out before finishing HS. They worked and went to school, paid their bills, and shared an apartment with other roomies (their friends). Some have never gone back to live with their parents, and finished college and now are married or still with roomates, etc. Yay for them!

But that is not always the case, and it won’t always be the case, and is not always the best option.

Again, other than not paying rent, my friends are taking care of themselves and their own bills (car payments, insurances, cell phones, credit cards). They are not depending on their mom and dad to cook their meals, buy their things, clean their stuff, etc. In fact, they’re helping their parents and siblings, running their errands, taking them places, giving back something to them that is worth more than measly rent.

And speaking of rent… these adults are living in places their parents wouldn’t rent out (the rooms in the parents’ probably already completely owned place). Sure, the parents could make a buck, but it is not as if they’re taking the parents out of a possible money source. The space would probably be filled with crap or remain untouched if the sons and daughters were not there (as I know my spot is at my parents’ place).

47

Unless the child is actually supporting the family, there’s still a level of responsibility they are lacking, if they are not completely supporting themselves. It’s not a character judgment, I’m just saying they are not as responsible as someone who moved out and is completely supporting themselves.

I moved out right after high school, worked full time, bought a house when I was 20, and put myself through college. It sucked ass, and I could have saved a lot of money living at home, but it would not have been the responsible thing to do.

Edited to add: I think it helps if you read the definition of “responsible.” By fully supporting yourself, you are ensuring that you are accountable and liable for any debts or problems. That’s part of what I mean when I say it’s more responsible to support yourself. You sign your own contracts and you don’t have your parents as a safety net to bail you out. It’s a matter of accountability and liability as much as your need to be independent.

48

I’m not judging anyone personally. Each of us has our own lives and I firmly believe that everyone chooses what they believe to be the best choice in their life.

However, the American “18 and out” is a very fundamental part of our society. The more I travel, the more I realize that this is something that sets us apart from much of the world. This idea is a deep part of the American character.

And it in a lot of ways it is something very useful. I have gone through a lot in my life. And I’ve gotten through some very hard times. And knowing that I can get through that on my own has instilled me with a kind of confidence and willingness to take risks. I know what I am made of. Yeah, it could have been made a lot more comfortable. But if I learned to run and hide the moment trouble reared it’s head, I doubt I’d have every gotten the guts to do the stuff I’m doing now.

And I see that is missing in many culture where children are expected to live with their parents during adulthood. They often grow up to be a bit more timid. They don’t really know what they are like on their own, or if they can really make it. So they stick to what they know.

And, of course, since I’m not beholden to my parents, I can choose the path in life I want. I can’t tell you how many miserable people I’ve met who are in majors or jobs or marriages that their parents picked out. Every day I meet people who say they wish they could live the life I’ve been living, but they can’t because they have too many entanglements with their parents.

Of course, the other side of this is that in America we treat our old people pretty bad. I’m sure there will be some old woman coming on her soon saying how glad she is that her culture values filial piety and she doesn’t have to rot away in an old folks’ home.

49

I think I get this, and like I said, I’ve lived by myself 7 years ago (my parents were not really financially supportive… If I had to depend on that I’d be on the streets)… thanks to grants and student loans and now a job.

Again, I don’t think I’m more responsible than my peers for having done that, in fact many of them have had to work harder than I am right now and are not only being responsible with their lives, but with the whole family. Not just them, but the family group depends on them and relies on them.

50

If it’s not a character judgment, if you didn’t think it made you a better person, why did you take on that suffering?

51

But how much is that related to living at home? You still have to pay your credit card bills, your loans, your parking tickets, the lawyer if you do something stupid. No your parents won’t evict you, but most parent I know would take in their children before they let them sleep on the street regardless of whether they live at home now or not. Living in NYC I met lots of kids who had apartments and zero balance every month. They don’t need to save for a rainy day, if get laid off or break both legs then they’ll just move back home.

52

My ex-BIL was like this.

Now, I’m not about to knock single parents, or people who are undergoing some temporary financial difficulty, or whatever, for moving back in with the folks. God knows I’ve asked my own parents to help me out of a jam on occasion since I reached adulthood.

But my ex-BIL is 43. He’s never lived outside the home, and he never had the ambition to work more than the most menial, undemanding jobs, just enough to upgrade his TV every year and buy a new computer every couple of months.

Well, that is, until irresponsible diabetes management took his eyesight a couple of months ago. Now he has a real reason to live with Mom.

Good thing he has that 50" plasma in his 8’x8’ bedroom.

I wouldn’t be so judgmental about it if he weren’t such a condescending ass about it. He seemed to think that because I didn’t go out and buy snowblowers and power tools and crap that I’d never use, I was less of a man. This while I was working, going to school, supporting his sister, and paying rent and car payments and blah blah blah.

He got really snide with me one night about how I’d never be able to own a house, because I didn’t really care about yard work and I don’t know how to change the serpentine belt in my car.

My response? “First, you’ll never own a house until your mother dies. Second, I intend to buy a condo, because lawns are for squares. Third, I’ve kissed a girl.”

I don’t really blame him for all of it - mommy had some pretty obvious codependency issues. But I know he had plenty of opportunities to leave the nest over the years, and he chose not to take them.

Now, he’s still at home, with retinas that are 90% detached, drawing Medicaid, and applying for Social Security Disability. Which he’s never paid in to, because he’s always quite deliberately worked under-the-table jobs for most of his life.

Not that his sister (my ex) was much better. Yeah, she lived (briefly) on her own, but she quickly replaced her Mom’s support with mine. So I ended up paying the bills, doing the housework, cooking, etc. I’m still working out why the hell I married her in the first place.

So yeah, maybe I’m a little sensitive about the appearance of mooching.

53

no. it makes perfect financial sense for you. not so much for them, but if they consented to it, whatever.

I’d, however, say that what you make use of your life while living with them has a big impact on my judgment. If you’re sitting home and writing songs, it’ll be difficult for me to have a high opinion of you. If, however, you’re frugally building up your savings while pursuing a good career, then I have an even better opinion of you than if you hadn’t stayed with your parents, because you’re sacrificing pride for financial security, something that is all too rare in America.

54

I didn’t have a choice. It was either take care of myself, or live on the streets. My parents could not (and still can’t ) afford to take care of me.

55

XJETGIRLX, I don’t know where you are from, but I would argue that geography plays a big factor if you consider financial feasability.

I would have loved to have moved out at 18, payed my own way through college and bought a house at 20. I don’t know what job you worked at this time, or how much homes in your area cost, but where I live unless you were the guy who invented Facebook or had outside help nobody could afford to buy a house that early on in their life, unless they were married to some sugar daddy.

The reason I moved out at 25 is because I lived with my parents while I went to college. During that time, I worked three part-time jobs, paid for my own car, bought my own food, clothes, did my own laundry, etc. and paid for about half of my own college expenses. I never asked for any hand-outs at home and actually resented having to live with my parents for financial reasons, so I was trying not to overly exploit it.

My goal was to move out when I found a full-time job, because I knew I could support myself without living paycheck-to-paycheck like a few of my friends did. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a full-time job and at 25 finally just moved out anyway figuring I could support myself on the two part-time jobs I had.

But had I been in a job that was full-time with benefits at 18, you better bet that I would have been gone then. For my situation, and I think many others’, the issue isn’t a matter of responsibility, but the financial situation of their area.

56

I am not living with my parents now, but have for the past seven years. My sister and I both, in fact and she is 13 years older than me.

I don’t try and defend my decision, it was right for me then and as soon as my gig is up here, I am moving back. Mom and dad are in their 80’s and sis and I shovel in the winter and mow in the summer, keep up the landscape and make sure the folks are ok. They are still very independent but I know they feel better knowing we are here to help should they need it.

It helps a ton that it is a two flat and they don’t come upstairs without calling first and we don’t barge in down there either. Setting and respecting boundaries is as important for growing up as financial independence. Trust me, I’ve seen adults who live on their own but whose parents don’t respect or even understand boundaries. It’s just as bad as living in the basement.

57

Like I said before (for those who actually bothered to read what I wrote), when one is physically capable of supporting themselves, then that’s the responsible choice. It doesn’t mean you have to buy a house, but if you can afford to rent your own place, that’s the responsible thing to do. Whether it’s right or wrong wasn’t the question. It’s a matter of what the responsible thing to do is.

Quite frankly, I’m surprised that so many people are trying to defend mooching off parents as a responsible action.

58

It’s funny, the only folks I know who live with their parents do it for the opposite reason than your friends apparently do - because they don’t really like to party and are happy living with their folks while they save up for their retirement. The people I know spending too much money on good times invariably live on their own.

Since my peers and I have entered our 30s, I’ve seen a lot of people come to the realization that they missed out on too much in their 20s by moving too quickly from parent’s house to spouse’s house. This too often involves children and divorces and isn’t pretty at all. Thus, while I understand that mileage and circumstances vary tremendously, I worry that people who live with their parents past age 25 (without demands of school or kids) can be rather sheltered, and risk regretting it in the future.

59

I moved back in with my parents for a few months in my mid-30s after my divorce. It drove us all insane. I loved my parents dearly, but we all couldn’t wait to get out of that arrangement.

Besides, past a certain age, it seems like living with one’s parents would be a major obstacle to dating. (Unless you’re an Italian man, apparently).

60

You say it isn’t a value judgment, that there is no “right or wrong”, but using words like “defend” and “mooching” suggests that you do look down on people that live with their parents. It can be more complex than that–if you see a family as an economic unit, it’s no more mooching than one spouse is “mooching” off another by sharing a dwelling. Families that function as a unit are sharing resources, and along with the benefits come real responsibilities–to their own kids and to their elderly parents/grandparents in the fullness of time.