Yes or no? Or does it depend?
I thought it at worst benign, actually suggesting polite respect. The female equivalent of Sir. If circumstances are relevant, I’d be happy to provide.
I, personally don’t mind it. It’s a southernism. I’ve heard it most of my life. YMMV
Depends.
On what?
If the person you’re talking to is a burly and somewhat drunk male?
Location–It’s certainly not offensive in Texas, but if you told me it was offensive in CA or something, I’d believe you.
Tone–There’s a way to say it that is condescending.
Circumstances: Called a man “ma’am” is an obvious one. Also, if you are criticizing someone, a “ma’am” may be a gratuitous potshot. I’m sure there are others.
But I don’t think it’s inherently offensive. I call people ma’am/am called ma’am daily.
ETA: It would be offensive on a date. Like, calling your date old.
I have seen a good number of Facebook posts from female friends of mine being irked by it that I avoid it, though it’s sometimes hard to, as that’s the term of respect I grew up with. So far as I can tell, most of the people bugged by it say it makes them feel old. I don’t know. But I first noticed this about five to ten years ago, and it certainly varies by region.
If it is offensive, what is the non-offensive female equivalent to “sir”?
Here’s a sampling from my feed. (Two of these three are good IRL friends; one is more a Facebook friend. All I deeply respect and like):
[Name redacted] dislikes being called “ma’am,” but, then again, “miss” doesn’t seem right either. I can’t think of a good solution here. Maybe just “excuse me”? - August 2011
“don’t call anyone “ma’am”… ever.” - November 2015
“Unless you are from the South, don’t call me Ma’am.
Do men over 35 out get the same little little drop of a bummer moment when called Sir? Does it even happen?” - October 2019
In the military, unlike Star Trek, “ma’am” is what you call a female officer who outranks you. So if it was offensive, I’d have to believe it wasn’t (or shouldn’t be) the use of “ma’am,” so much as the tone. In which case, it would be offensive regardless of the form of address used IMHO.
About five years ago all the store cashiers in just about every place I went in the (hip upscale college) town I shopped at in California stopped calling me Ma’am and started calling me Miss. Apparently a directive had gone out. I’ve been married for 45 years and feel like I have earned that damned Ma’am.
In the Elder Days long ago, the cashiers called you Mizz. (Ms.)
I am offended by Miss, but I have striven to get over it.
Setting - an legal proceeding in Illinois. The male judge in his 50s said to a female attorney in her 50s something along the lines of, “Please proceed ma’am.”
Full disclosure, I was the judge. My intended default is to refer to attorneys as “Council” or “Mr or Ms X,” but during the course of a long day of hearings, I occasionally say Sir or Ma’am. I was somewhat surprised to have an attorney express her displeasure at the end of a long Friday.
I’ve heard women say they are displeased at being “Ma’amed”, as it makes them feel old. I honestly consider and intend it simply as the analog of Sir. In this context, I actually intended it as a respectful pleasantry.
Sure, I’m aware of the possibility of saying it in a tone to connote sarcasm or insult, but I honestly wasn’t paying enough attention to intend any such thing. I just wanted the attorney to start talking. And then I find myself with a pissed off attorney making my word choice an issue.
I understand that, whenever possible, if there is no need to refer to an individual’s gender, it is generally safest just to avoid any gender descriptive. I.e., say, “Good morning.” rather than “Good morning, ladies.” And I try to do that, even tho to my ear that sounds somewhat - i dunno - antiseptic? But I don’t care enough to call people by something they don’t want to be called. Just kinda blindsided me at the end of a long day at the end of a long week.
I’m not in the South, I’m in upstate New York. I do not consider “ma’am” offensive, and I do hear it from time to time, sometimes addressed to me. Sometimes I use it. As others have said, it’s the female equivalent of “sir”. It would be better if the language had a gender neutral term, but I don’t think there is one – anybody have a suggestion?
I am somewhat offended by people who think it’s offensive to be considered old enough to be called “ma’am”. It seems to me that they’re considering it something worthy of insult to be older.
As pointed out, “ma’am” is what military people call women superiors.
I would never call anyone “Sir” or “Ma’am” in any other context. People do that?
I don’t mind it. I think in the North, the equivalent is “miss”, regardless of age or marital status… I’m often referred to as miss. I don’t mind that either.
“Yo, bitch” is generally frowned upon.
I’m a female in my early 60s and I don’t mind being called Ma’am. I was somewhat dispirited in my younger years when I crossed the Rubicon from ‘Miss’ to ‘Ma’am,’ but I understood and had no illusions about my changed status. It certainly wasn’t the fault of the person who called a spade a spade. I’m all for pleasant fictions, but a woman in her 50s is hanging onto a delusion if she thinks she any longer passes for a ‘Miss’.
I once was assigned to clerk for a judge who insisted on distinguishing between ‘Miss’ and ‘Missus’ to all women during jury selection. The effect was to sort women on the panel into 3 separate categories. Invariably when he inquired if it was Miss or Missus, the divorced women would give him the stink eye and indignantly retort, "It’s ‘Ms.’!! The court reporter and I implored him to just default to Ms. and be done with it. He never did.
One day he was doing his, “is it Miss? Or Missus?” routine, and the responder gave him the stink eye and indignantly retorted, “It’s Mister!” Oops.
In fairness, I doubt it would have gone any better if he had taken our advice.
I’m more offended by a judge who doesn’t realize it’s spelled ‘counsel,’ not ‘council.’ :dubious: (Teasing.)
The Queen of the UK is usually addressed as “Ma’am”. She doesn’t take offence at it.
Now that I’m finally old enough to warrant a Sir from people, all I get is an occasional Mister, but mostly My First Name–like I’m still 3-and-a-half years old. You can’t win.
And frequently, Mister My First Name. From strangers. Sheesh!
Tone/body language can make any word offensive. The problem is not the words themselves, though.
I like to joke that if someone calls me miss
“What do I look like to you a child!? Call me ma’am :mad:”
If someone calls me ma’am
“What am I, 150? Do I look like I’m ready for the grave!? It’s miss :mad:”
TBH I don’t like being called ma’am because it’s usually service staff that feels uncomfortable or like they need to placate me because I’m a customer. I’m also used to it when dealing with laborious bureaucracies like having to call the bank or a government office or something. but like… if you have to say something both miss and ma’am are fine. I prefer miss, but only because I feel like it sounds more pleasant, not due to some weird young/old thing.