This is a serious question that came to me last night after I found out that my third boyfriend in a row has been unfaithful. It’s not a rant and I’m not man-bashing (women can cheat, too).
I am hoping that this thread will be a place where people can freely help explain to me (and others in my situation) why it is that some people find it so hard to be faithful to their partner. I am genuinely curious.
anyone? anyone?
Some people cheat. Some don’t.
If monogamy were a myth, then everyone would cheat. The fact that there are people that don’t cheat proves that monogamy is not a myth.
Perhaps the title of this thread should be, “How rare is monogamy?”
I’m not overly fond of monogamy for myself*, but I know people who are totally 100% monogamous and would never be otherwise.
*no, I don’t cheat. This is just how my marriage is, by design.
Nope not a myth. Been Monogamous for 7 + years with my wife.
For me I just got to the point where I knew I didn’t want to date anymore and I wanted to give my whole 100% to one woman for the rest of my life.
How old are you? Not to say grown men don’t cheat, but I would suspect it’s more prevalent in young adults who are dating…maybe not.
What a great question. And what a lousy situation. I hope the burden of your situation passes quickly. It’s a shame so much time has to pass before these things weigh less heavily on ones mind.
You are asking a question that has no easy answer and one that has been asked since forever. People get the itch. Men, women, everyone. The question is one of excercising control over an urge in the name of love. This requires that one fully understand and appreciate the concept of love.
There are a lot of situations. You haven’t fully described yours so I won’t make assumptions. Obviously the partnership must be comprised of two individuals who do love each other to begin with. There’s a lot of make believe out there so if it’s not really there to begin with, it certainly won’t last and one of the two ends up wandering.
In the end it comes down to commitment. When it’s true love, commitment just is, no questions.
Commitment != monogamy
It is quite possible to have commitment without monogamy.
Well I’m still looking for a woman who won’t cheat on me the first time I’m more than 50 miles from her for a few days.
Honestly, a LOT of people simply have NO understanding that other people have feelings. Or at least, a lot of people I’ve met and/or dated seem to lack that ability.
In my experience, most of my friends did a lot of cheating in their teens and twenties and established stable monogomous committed relationships in their mid twenties and early thirties. Not true for everyone - a few never cheated when they were younger, a few have cheated later. I suspect that as we hit “mid life crisis” there will be more cheating again, but not at the level we did it with early.
Cheating sucks. I’ve been cheated on and it hurts like hell. The lying and mistrust and so on… the feeling of betrayal… the secrecy… it’s so destructive to a relationship and it hurts a lot
I feel for you 
I see what you mean. I was actually implying that monogomy tends to be a natural side effect of commitment and commitment, a side effect of love.
I’m glad you and yours have such a good healthy relationship.
Monogamy isn’t mythical. I’ve seen it in it’s natural habitat and it is quite real. It has many natural enemies, such as the wily skank, but those can be held at bay with disdain and simple resolve.
freetobeme, i don’t actually buy that mongamy is implied by commitment. Me and mine are non-monogamous, and happy and healthy. Cheating it is not. Commited to each other? you bet
Oh, sweetie, I feel your pain. I dated my share of weasels and it never ended well. But hang in there. I have been with my husband for 10 years now (between dating and being married) and I have never felt the urge to cheat. I don’t think he has either. Personally, my husband and I value our relationship too much to ever hurt each other by sharing intimacies with someone else.
But, for whatever it may be worth, it is not true that all cheaters are ALWAYS cheaters. Not long after I was born, my father had an affair, and he and my mother were separated for a while. I know that it caused a lot of pain to both of them, but they managed to work out their differences, and this year they will be celebrating their 30th anniversary. After that one instance, there was never another problem.
Best of luck to you in the future. Sorry that your last few experiences have not been good ones. Just remember that if you want a monogamous relationship, you should hold out for it. They require work and patience but they are SO totally worth it.
Yup yup.
12 years of very commited, non-monogamous marriage here and counting 
Okay, Opalcat andUnwrittenNocturne, I see that you’re of the swinging variety. Hey, more power to ya! You’re hip. You’re wow! You’re Charlie! I get the point.
I understand that some folks like to consentually engage in polygimus(sp) activity (correct me if I’m off base or misunderstanding here). There’s not a lot of downside to it for two people who are very secure in themselves and their partner (no pun intended). Hey, if it helps keep things together and isn’t just convenience as opposed to commitment, then great.
I was trying to answer the question ‘why it is that some people find it so hard to be faithful to their partner?’
So rather than throw out ‘commitment !=monogomy’ maybe you could tell us why and why it works for you. Maybe that would help cgholycow.
Ah, thankies. Here is my take.
We are seriously commited to each other in an emotional sense. Neither of ud however, views sex as having any necessary emotional content in and of itself. We see it as a purely physical act. YMMV on that point of course.
Now, we do not ‘play’ with people who are cheating on their partners. Why? Our lifestyle is a choice, as is being in a relationship. If that relationship has a rule that says ‘NO’ to polyamory, then so be it. We will not get involved with that person.
You did hit on one thing- you must be secure in the relationship for this to work.
Anyway, as I said, we do run across people who are attempting to cheat on their partners. We avoid them, but some of the comments I have heard from them include things like;
“He/she does not have the same sex drive as me” - which makes you wonder why they have not considered masturbation.
“He/she is not into this sort of thing” - why does that give you a license to engage in the verbotten?
Basically? Dishonesty with both themselves and their partners seems to be a root cause. My thoughts anyway
79 percent of husbands eventually cheat.
51 percent of wives eventually cheat.
That doesn’t include the open relationships. There are about 1.1 million couples in the U.S. who are members of swinging clubs.
Monogamy may not be a myth; but it’s far from the standard.
Monogamy’s okay for the office, but I like a nice warm oak for the home. Maple for the fretboard, teak for the boat.
10 years with this one and no cheating and no desire to do so. 21 years with the last one and would screw anything that would hold still long enough.
As to why: well, chalk it up to poor choice of spouse, no premarital sex to find out it was going to be a long, chilly interim between boring sexual encounters, and being treated like some sort of not-so-bright five-year old most of the time, and you’ll have the basics. Who wouldn’t trade that situation for one where there was fun and sex and warmth and passion?
Homebrew, I’d be interested in a cite on that, because frankly I find those statistics a bit hard to believe.