You’re stringing him on. He still thinks the two of you have a chance to work things out, and he’s got your renting a room from him and coming over to “see the cat” as evidence. Then, you’re telling him you’re dating other guys. Very mixed signals.
Do the guy a favor and cut ties with him. You’re giving him a lot of heartache over a cat that you sound mostly ambivalent about.
Not that I want to start a flamewar or anything…
But it’s just a freakin’ cat! It’s “well-being”? WTF?
In addition to the implied “Just how young are the two of you?” question, it might be helpful to those of us inclined to give advice to know how long it has been since you broke up. I don’t know that a certain amount of reluctance to see the other person move on is unreasonable, if the relationship has not been over for very long.
You are under no obligation to answer these questions, just because we are nosy. But they might help us understand whether your ex is acting as normal as could be expected or not.
Not to hijack this too much onto the cat issue, but this kind of thing bugs me. Cats aren’t like hamsters, people! They can and do live for decades. I see so many people my age and younger (mid-twenties) just decide to get a cat because they move into a place that allows it and they just love kitties sooooooo much.
Obviously shit happens that no one can predict, but if your life is structured in such a way that there is a reasonable chance that you’ll be stuck in a situation where you can’t keep the cat any time within the next, say 10 years*- don’t take on the cat!
You can find friends who have one, or volunteer at a local shelter to get your “kitty fix” as often as you like, but don’t set yourself and the cat up for this kind of hassle/heartbreak. I have two cats, and I can’t really think of anything short of Mad Max level societal collapse that would leave me without a way to care for them that doesn’t involve this kind of sitcom-level hijinx**. This includes paying extra rent sometimes and passing up potential roomates, but I realized that when I agreed to take in the last remaining cats from my mom’s house*** when she moved to an apartment and I’ve lived up to it so far (going on 5 years, including a 300 mile move.)
I know this seems like a self-righteous screed against the OP, but it’s more of a general frustration with people who make commitments they can’t live up to, often without even realizing that they’re making a commitment at all.
To actually respond to the OP, I think that it shouldn’t really matter what Ex’s motivations are, you should react to what he is doing. Is his behavior making you uncomfortable? Can you handle his clinginess? Make your decisions about the cat based on what she seems like when you see her. If Ex really can’t give her the attention that she needs on a day to day basis, you should look into finding somewhere else for her to live for a few years, perhaps another house with a cat or two, maybe you could make an arrangement with a friend that you will pay for all the kitty’s expenses, take her to the vet and such (your Ex can be involved too) and pay this friend the same amount you’re currently paying for the room at Ex’s to compensate for his or her trouble and for the fact that you will be taking the cat away eventually.
Oh- and stop spending the night- that’s just cold even if he really is over you.
*barring really crazy stuff going down- breaking up with someone after less than 2 years doesn’t count as crazy even if it is unfortunate.
**I am in college, just finishing up my Bachelors, and while I have been in my current relationship for 7 years, a breakup wouldn’t mess the cats up too bad- I love them both, but I’d gladly let my guy take the guy cat if he wanted- I’ve had him longer than I’ve had the guy, but they are super close now. Either way, they’d both be taken care of.
***“remaining” meaning we had others who passed away of old age and a few others that were rescue situations who were ill or neglected when they came to us and had a few good years left, but they all ended up dying at around the same time.
From the last thread Sad and Deranged posted, it seems that her ex broke up with her, so the accusations of leading him on seem somewhat unfounded.
The whole thing is bizarre. Divided responsibility on cleaning the litter box? Take that money you’re paying him to rent the room and invest it in a good therapist.
I believe it’s number three.
And like others have said, the situation seems very strange.
Is this cat the same kitten you gave up your other cat for just last month? Must be one hell of a cat. :rolleyes:
Ok, this is getting odder. How long since the breakup? According to the other thread (thanks XJETGIRLX), just a month ago, you had two cats, were getting a third, and dumping one. That equals two cats.
What happened to the other cat? Don’t you care about it? Oh, yeah, even the one you dumped because “it waasn’t working out” – doesn’t seem like you put a strong emotional value on cats.
Have you been building a menagerie in your boyfriend’s apartment?
No, not normal behavior at all. From either of you. It’s a cat. An animal. I love doggies and kitties as much as the next person, but it looks like you’re investing way too much energy into this, unless you’re trying to maintain ties with him.
Listen, I was married for 16 years; we had a dog for 10 of those. When I remarried, the dog went to him because new husband was allergic. Nice dog. Loved her to pieces. But a dog, not a way of life.
Get over the cat and move on!
Don’t worry it all a ruse. Regardless of your actions he intends to have the cat put down.
Well, of course it’s not “normal”. But that’s not really important, is it? What you want to know is why he’s acting the way he his - whether or not this or any part of your relationship is “normal” is besides the point.
Here’s a radical notion: ask him why he’s acting the way he is.
I know, I know, it’s crazy. But for some reason, I’m getting the inkling that he might know a bit better than a bunch of people who don’t even know him. If you really have a friendship, you should be able to talk to him about it. If you can’t talk to him and trust his answers, you don’t have a friendship, you have an abnormal relationship that isn’t working (as opposed to an abnormal relationship which is working, which I’m all in favor of.)
She should also ask herself why the hell she is acting the way she is. I put the OP at about fourteen years old, emotionally.
Didn’t manage to read through this whole mess, so I can’t really tell you what I think.
You mean why she’s asking us instead of him? Sure, I agree.
Why she feels the need for visitation and overnights with a cat? Eh, I don’t care. Whatever makes your seagoing vehicle buoyant (as long as you’re not hurting anyone). I’ve known cats I like better than some people. Besides, I’m the last one on this board to lambast folks for unconventional relationships just because they’re unconventional. But I have no patience for non-communication and subsequent knashing of teeth and wondering.
A month ago, you had two cats, didn’t mention anything about living with parents, and were dumping one of your cats so you could get a kitten.
I remember because I thought your dumping the cat was inexcusable, and getting a kitten would be a mistake. Was that part of an alternate universe?
Hm, she’s been logged in a couple of times since Sunday, but hasn’t been back to this thread. Interesting.
There was a thread about the breakup, and about the kitten
Count me with the people who think you should just ask him what’s going on Sad. Get everything out in the open instead of trying to guess at what the problem is.
She also didn’t actually have the kitten when she opened the thread about it; she said she was getting a kitten “sometime in the next two weeks.” It seems entirely possible that she did get rid of the second cat and changed her mind about getting a kitten, especially since she’d just broken up with her boyfriend*, leaving her with one (1) cat.
Or we could just assume that she’s deceiving us and continue to make snarky remarks and insinuations.
*the kitten thread was started on August 12, the breakup thread on August 25.
No, there was a kitten at some point, I just linked to the wrong thread. See this one.