Is my eye contact creepy?

In My Humble Opinion
1

First off, I apologize for the wall of text.

I just moved to Erie from a small, polite town in Tennessee. It’s quite a drastic change for me as I’ve never been exposed to a big city. I’m currently a sophomore in high school. The school I used to go to was mainly just white people. There was only 2 or 3 black people. The school I’m now attending is mainly consists of black people. I feel like a total outcast. I don’t have a problem with black people what so ever. I am not racist at all. But black people (mostly black girls) seem to have a problem with me. I am a nerdy girl from the south and I don’t seem to have anything in common with the people at my school. The school I am now attending is about 80% black students and 20% white students. I take mainly junior and senior courses and in all, I have about 2 white kids per class. I have made friends with about 3 people, since my month in being here. I’d only consider one an actual “friend” who I’m going to call C. It’s pretty depressing because C is nice and all but she’s kind of smelly and I get picked on for hanging out with her. She has a cool personality but her body odor is definitely an issue. Also, I wouldn’t call her “visually attractive.” One day, a boy tried to sniff me because he said he assumed I must smell pretty rank if I’m hanging out with C. C’s nickname is “Stanky.” I’m of petite size, about 5’ 0 and 110 pounds. C, aka Stanky, is tall, about 5’ 8, and she’s also chunky. To me, I take hygiene very personally. I shower, shave, and wash/brush my hair every day. I apply more than enough deodorant. I use makeup, lotion, and I wash my hands every 2 hours or so. In short, I like to keep myself hygienic and looking nice. I really feel bad constantly witnessing C. being harassed for her odors. I really would like to suggest some hygiene tips for her but I’m not sure how to do it without offending her. Personally, I have very fragile feelings and if someone ever suggested that I take more showers I would be devastated, so of course I’m taking this into consideration. Anyway, in trig today we had a test, after the end of the test we didn’t have any more assignments to do so my teacher let everyone ponder around the classroom and chat before going to next period. Me being the new girl, I had several people come up to me and start talking. I was having a fairly nice discussion with a girl named D. She was black but that’s irrelevant. Mid-sentence, she stops and says “your constant eye contact is weird.” :eek: I was really shocked. First off, my eye contact isn’t constant. I always flicker my eyes away from the eyes of the person I’m talking to every 5-10 seconds or so, especially if they’re the ones doing the talking. Second off, where I’m from, eye contact isn’t “weird” and it’s quite a normal thing. Even with strangers. I was pretty baffled to say the least. I have this thing where I enjoy when people look at my eyes during conversation. My eyes are one of my best features. I feel more connected when people look at my eyes during conversation. I’ve never been accused of creepy eye contact until today. So I’m not really sure how to handle this. I wish I could go into greater detail about my eye contact but I’m not really good at explaining. I’m going to go ahead and say that all in all, my eye contact is not creepy because nobody has ever mentioned this issue until today. Do black people just take eye contact more seriously? Do they assume that I’m trying to pick a fight with them? I know this is stereotypical here, but really, I’m so confused. This is off topic but to make matters worse my name is Seven, and I’ve been receiving nothing short of hell for that. At my old school, a lot of people considered it cool and qwirky, but not here. I used to like my name until I moved here. I now wish my name was more generic. It’s not like I can go to school tomorrow and be like “Ya, I’m going by Kaitlin now cause I keep getting picked on for having a weird name. So don’t call me Seven.” As you can tell, that wouldn’t fly. I suppose it’s better than Stanky, though. Ugh, I just feel really awkward now and I’ve never felt like this before.

tl;dr I moved to a big city from a small town, my only friend is crowned “stanky,” and I’ve been accused of creepy eye contact.

2

Protip: paragraphs are good.

3

That isn’t an apology at all. If you know what you’re doing and that it will annoy others - just don’t do it.

4

In this case I thought your wall of text matched the whirlwind of experiences that assualt you in a new situation.

I don’t know if you have creepy eye contact or not. You’ll have to study what the locals are doing with their eyes. Don’t study the people you’re talking to, study other people in group situations. It helps to not always directly face the person you’re talking with. Face them a while, then when you talk about something in the room you can slightly turn towards the subject of your conversation. If you go to McDonalds or somewhere else with tables sit around the corner instead of directly across.

It’s hard to have the exactly right amount of eye contact when you’re facing them. I still start thinking about it when I am and I’m almost 50.

As far as your stinky friend problem: that’s a tough one. Some people come from families where they have weird ideas like deoderant is bad, or they all wash their hair with hand soap, you never know. If you get a chance to do things together you can mention products you like, “hey I just tried this new deoderant that has a matching fragrance” or mention your own habits “sheesh, I woke up too late for a shower and now I stink” said after you may have missed a shower. Lie if you have to, “oops I thought I could wear this sweater a second time but probably not a good idea”. Give her insight into what the rest of the people do for hygiene. I wouldn’t mention it directly to her unless you want to lose her as a friend.

High School is hard, good thing it’s only 4 years then the day after graduation everyone becomes mostly normal.

5

It’s possible your eye contact isn’t a problem at all. Maybe D. is just very sensitive to it.

Has C. ever mentioned her problem or seemed upset when people picked on her?

I feel for ya, I moved a lot when I was younger too, and it’s really hard to come in in the middle of the year when everybody’s already settled in with their friends. And then you get stuck with the underdog. I’m not sure what to tell you, but I think it’s very nice of you to be C.’s friend, and you’ve only been there a month (I know, it feels like eternity). I hope things will improve with time.

6

There may well be cultural differences regarding eye contact. We teachers are constantly reminded that among some cultures (Native American, African American, etc.), it’s often considered rude for someone being scolded to look into the eyes of the scolder, whereas in middle-class white culture it’s considered rude NOT to look into the eyes of the scolder. Since most of us teachers are middle-class whites, this can cause problems. Maybe something similar is going on here?

7

Teenagers are weird and often mean spirited. They say hurtful things just to say hurtful things. You’ve just moved to a new school, so you also have that going against you. Just be yourself, relax and remember that only about 5-10 people in any school actually enjoy high school and they always end up sad and alone by the time the first reunion rolls around.

8

It’s been my experience, as the mother of teens, that kids this age like to throw the term creepy or creeper around a lot, for non-creepy situations. Like me looking at one of their friends’ Facebook page is “creeping” on them. No, it’s just looking for informational purposes, children.

So my analysis is, you’re not creepy, you’re just doing something different from the norm. Smile, apologize, make a joke, be friendly and soon I hope you’ll fit right in.

You could tell them “your” joke, for fun —

Q: Why is Six afraid of Seven?
A: 'Cause Seven ate Nine!

9

I’ve been to her house once, which was last week. Her house smelled like a normal house. Everything was nice and clean, and her whole family smelled like regular people. It’s just C that seems to have this sort of problem. I spent the weekend with her, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Each day I saw her take a shower. Her hair looked really greasy and matted every day even after she bathed so this leads me to believe that she doesn’t wash her hair often and if she does she’s not doing it properly. Also, it’s never properly brushed out. There’s always tangles and knots in it. She complimented the way I had fixed my hair one day. I offered to fix her hair too, and I told her I could make it look really nice. She said “no thanks, it would take too long and I would rather do something else with my time.” I thought this was weird. It’d be very simple and fast to fix, it would just be detangling and brushing through her hair that would take some time.

Last week at school I casually mentioned to her that I had purchased some new deodorant and it smelled really nice. She was pretty indifferent about it and smiled but didn’t say anything at all about it.

Thank you. C. really just seems to shrug it off and ignore it. She seems very used to it. I wish I could stand up for her but I don’t see that ending very well so I try to just ignore them for her. I don’t want to draw any more attention to her and embarrass her. One of the first days I started hanging out with C. a girl came up to her and said, “shower much?” C. just smiled and looked away and told me “always ignore bastards.” I was like, uhhh, okay. I know it bothers her when she’s always getting picked on, but she tries really hard not to show it.

C. has never mentioned people picking on her to me, directly. I assume she doesn’t want to talk about it, and I respect that. Honestly, she is nice but she is a strange duck and I’m starting to think things would be a lot better for me if I just didn’t hang out with her. I don’t like her that much anyway.

Maybe.

I’ve noticed everybody else making what I would consider “normal eye contact.”

I don’t know what D’s deal is but I did see her and some of her friends giving me this real sour look today. You would have thought I came and murdered their families in the night or something.

Yes, I have noticed this. Everybody thinks everything is creepy or awkward. No, not really. It’s not awkward until somebody says it’s awkward. The atmosphere was completely fine, normal, and non-awkward until they say something about it.

I know I’m not creepy. I am far from creepy. But thanks… I am not well adjusted enough to start cracking jokes.

I just really want to fit in. A lot of people at my new school with go and joke around with each other saying things like “sup nigga” and nigga this, and nigga that. Even the white kids. Do you think me saying ‘nigga’ would be a bad idea? …Perhaps before or after I say it I can reassure them I’m not racist. Hopefully, this could make me fit in in no time.

10

Excellent plan–in no time at all they’ll stop thinking you’re creepy. “I’m not racist, but 'sup, nigga!” ftw!

Edit: unless, is it your plan to actually give them something to think you’re creepy about? In which case, ignore my sarcasm.

11

No shit. This has seriously become the most overused and abused phrase of the past 2 years or so. Creepy. Creeeeepy. Creepy creepy creeps. Creepster. Creeping. Creep creep creep. Creeeeeeeeeeeeepy.

Fuck that. The Joker is creepy. Stephen Gammell’s illustrations for “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark” are creepy. Bob Filner’s smile is creepy. But, like, some guy saying something to you that you find odd is, usually, just some guy saying something to you that you find odd. There are genuinely creepy people out there, but they’re rare. The way people throw that word around, you’d think every single thing that everyone ever does is creepy in some way.

And yeah, I know - of course - if I comment on this, then it must be because I’m creeeeeeepy too. Creepy creepy creepy.

12

I want to go on record that dropping the word nigga is an incredibly bad idea. I cannot stress this enough that Madmonk28 is officially telling you that this course of action is inadvisable.

13

The body odor thing could well be a medical issue that she can’t do anything about. It happens, and if she’s showering regularly it sounds like a very real possibility.

Pretty much the only other advice I have to give is that high school really doesn’t last that long in the grand scheme of things, even if it seems like forever while it’s going on; that you can survive a couple of years as a misfit and then reinvent yourself (complete with new name) when you get to college; and that you shouldn’t do stuff in an attempt to become a non-misfit that you won’t be proud of a few years down the road.

14

Ooh, downvoting that part. ‘Seven’ will likely go back to cool and quirky in the college environment. Basic axiom of high school: anything that makes you stand out as different is something that people predisposed not to like you will decide to fixate on. Basic axiom of college: anything that makes you stand out as different will help you stand out from the (large) crowd and get more positive attention.

Within reason, of course. There’s a fine line between ‘unusual and different’ and ‘crazy’ that you want to try not to cross. :slight_smile:

15

High school is tough. On the one hand it’s so important to fit in and on the other hand you’ve been placed in a situation where it’s nearly impossible to do so. You’re like the non-dancing version of the movie Save the Last Dance. :wink:

It’s easy for adults to tell you that this time will pass quickly and it will get better after high school, but when you’re in the middle of dealing with it that’s the most important thing at the time. It takes time for people to get to know you and accept you, especially since you’re a different race.

What do you do after school? Is there a way that you can find another source of friendship outside of school, like a hobby, sport, club, etc? That may help you feel better until things improve at school.

Start a blog! Other than the wall of words you’re a good writer. I would read it.

16

Ditto. Worst idea I’ve heard today, and I listened to a Ron Paul interview earlier!

17

sigh I wouldn’t walk up to a random student and say “hey, sup nigga!” Would it be a bad idea to casually throw nigga in a sentence to someone I’m acquainted with? C. sometimes says nigga. But I think she has bigger quirks that people could make fun of.

I walk to and from school because I can’t drive yet. C. is old enough to drive and has a license but she doesn’t have a car. She walked me home from school today. Her house is just a street over from mine. We were discussing small quirks that we have. Some of the ‘quirks’ she mentioned really worried me. She said she has this slight quirk in which if someone accidentally brushes up against her, touches her arm, etc. she feels like they need to touch her in the exact same place on her other side, and her legs too. :confused: This sounds like a little more than a ‘slight quirk’ if you ask me.

I realize now why she is such an easy target at school. I feel bad for her. I know she truly tries her hardest to fit in but she really can’t stop her freak flag from flying high. C. is quite portly but the weird thing is I’ve only seen her eat light Progresso soup. She’s not on a diet. I mentioned this to her and she said if she eats anything else she feels sick.

I think C. may have some mental problems. I’m not sure what kind, though. Does anybody know if this sounds like some sort of mental disorder?

Okay. I know it seems like a bad idea but I think ‘incredibly bad idea’ is a bit of an overstatement. What makes it an incredibly bad idea? It’s not like I would walk up to a random black person and call them nigga. Even I understand you just can’t do that.

I don’t know. She never puts on deodorant or smells like soap after a shower. There’s no evidence that she shampoos or actually does any type of bathing exercises other than stand under running water.

I’m used to positive attention from being different. At my old school, there was lots of mullet Billys. Basically a lot of rednecks. I wasn’t a redneck or anything like that. The only thing southern about me is my accent. My accent’s causing me problems too. I have a strong southern accent and I’m having to repeat myself a lot due to people not being able to understand me. I’d really like to tone this down. It’s making me very self conscience.

Lately, I’ve been walking around the city a lot just exploring. My hobbies seem a lot different than the people at my school my have. I like video games, books, forums, nerdtivities basically. I’m not interested in joining any clubs or sports. That sounds terribly unappealing.

I would start a blog but I don’t have anything to blog about. Also, I doubt I could get anybody to read it besides you. Thanks.

18

I would recommend being more classy. Take the phrase in which you would use the word “nigga” and replace it by “african-american gent” or “african-american damsel”.

e.g. Replace 'sup niggas? with 'sup African-American gents?

19

Here’s the thing: use of the word “nigga” is very, very polarized. If you’re in the in group, it’s controversial whether you use it. If you’re in the out group, no way in hell do you use it.

You’re expecting that you, a new-to-town Southern white girl with a thick drawl, are going to call black people “nigga” and they’re going to respond positively? No no no. If you’re really lucky, folks will put it down to a feeble attempt to be cool on your part. If you’re not so lucky, folks will decide you’re a repellent racist, despite any pleas to the contrary.

On the other hand, is C white? Because if you walked up to her and said, “Sup, cracka?” it might get some yuks.

20

C. is half white and half Cuban.