Put the time into distancing yourself from this jerkwad. I also disagree with the idea of withholding access to grandchildren unless they follow your ‘way’ in everything, in principle. But your child needs to be protected from this jerkwad.
Practice a few sentences right now. (And clear it with hubby that you’ve no intention of fighting, only retreating, in the name of family peace, and you expect his support should you find yourself headed out the door of the in-law’s home. He doesn’t have to follow but he has to be okay with your need to flee.)
“I’m sorry we’re going to have to leave now, I don’t want my child to learn that it’s okay to be disrespectful to the people you love.”
“It’s your home, of course, and I wouldn’t dream of changing a thing, but it makes me too uncomfortable.”
“Hubby’s going to stay, but we’re going to be going now, we’ll see you again soon!”
Repeat as required!
Never argue, never try and reason or dissuade, if he gets you to fight with him, (and he seems to be spoiling for a fight with you!), he not only wins, he owns a little of your soul, and is effectively installing buttons he’ll push on his whim. Be very cautious in your interactions with this jerkwad, he has the power to cause unlimited conflict in your world.
Hubby would come with me - he’s VERY supportive (he’s had to put up with this crap all his life).
FWIW, we have an agreement that the only time we’re actually going to leave (or kick them out if they’re at our house) is if FIL starts dropping the N-bomb or making other racist remarks in front of Jr. (which happens now and again). We have NO tolerance for that kind of crap.
I beg of you to have ‘no tolerance’ for him being openly disrespectful to you, in front of your child. It’s extremely harmful.
May I ask, where was your hubby during the bitchiest bitch remark? And what was his reaction?
Because is it wasn’t an immediate, “Do not ever again, speak to my wife, or about my wife, in such a fashion. Are we clear?”, then I’m gonna lose some respect for him too.
Yes, F-I-L was a jerk, glad you didn’t sink to his level. Some less enlightened people might have replied,
“This baby will be Just Fine. And if there’s anyone at this table who needs to worry about just how soon dirt will be shovelled into their face, its You, ‘Dad’…”
Well, it wasn’t, but mostly because the Mr. is fairly oblivious to what his dad says (I think he just totally tunes him out).
When I told him about it after he was not only shocked (literally had no idea) but was also pissed. I told him not to bother saying anything to him as it would just start the whole thing up again.
No, I didn’t say anything like that. What I said was something along the lines of “Al, if the baby was going to drop dead within a couple of hours of birth, he would be in the NICU.” and then we changed the subject. Well, actually he starting ranting about how some other people they know had ‘ruined’ their child by not letting other people take care of it. (Or something).
Sorry, but I just lost a whole lot of respect for your husband. If it’s okay with him, for his Dad to say this about his wife, and he responds not at all, (sure got upset about it later, big whoop!), you got way bigger problems, ahead of you, than your father in law.
Where do you think hubby learned how to treat women? Don’t believe me? He didn’t even react when his Dad said this to you, he has already learned much.
Red Flag, Red Flag, Red Flag!
This needs to change, or there will be nothing but ongoing conflict in your future.
I wish you good luck, I have a feeling you’re going to need it.
Eh, no need to be dissing on hubby - he knows that his dad is a jackass and does not condone it; however, if you don’t hear something, it’s pretty hard to react to it. I’m pretty sure he didn’t hear the bitch comment because he had gone to brush his teeth, actually.
Does this guy have enough scruples to realize he’s being a dillhole when it’s politely pointed out? E.g. “You do realize you just told a pregnant lady she’ll regret it when her baby dies? Wow. <insert look of stunned disbelief>”.
If he’ll look sheepish or utter an apology of some kind (very rare for this sort of person), then it’s tolerable. If he just raises his hackles even more, then I would change my vote from #2 (asshole/get over it) to #1 (asshole/avoid).
It might end up being the solution to a father-in-law whose influence is toxic to children and a relationship - visit twice a year and done.
It sounds like you handled it as best as possible; there’s really no point fighting with someone like that (as you well know, I’m sure), and when you have to associate with them because they’re family, you just find the best way to minimize the damage.
This is because you are a good person; a much better person than he is. And because you already know that your baby is going to be perfectly fine & perfectly healthy.
May you labor be short.
May your recovery be quick.
May your F-I-L get tested for the sudden onset of this disturbing, odd, and inappropriate behavior.
This is done and over with, but if it does happen again, it might not be a bad idea to have your husband say something to his dad like, “You are not to speak to my wife like that again,” making it perfectly clear to his dad where the line is. I can understand not wanting to prolong a fight like that, but your father-in-law sounds like a bully, and sometimes they back off when challenged.
I agree with elbows. The single incident in the OP I could write off as an old guy getting worked up and having a brain fart, but I can’t imagine how the bitch comment is anything but simple meanness. And he does it because he can get away with it. I checked ‘something else’ because the first option didn’t quite capture what I was thinking. Which again is basically what elbows said.
Yah - I guess I’m assuming that hubby didn’t hear it, 'cus he never lets stuff like this go.
Also he was PISSED after the fact and was apologizing for his dad’s behaviour all over the place. I really don’t think hubby is the issue. (Honestly, I don’t think I could imagine someone better for me than him).
As to if FIL will apologize when called on stuff - never. However, he will usually just change the subject (as opposed to going on and on with it).
Also of note, he NEVER speaks to his wife (my MIL) like this; however, that could be because she pretty well just agrees with everything he says.
Thanks for posting this, I find it very reassuring, I was worried about you.
Your hubby sounds like a good guy, together you can make your way through this. Just never forget your FIL is trying to bait you, don’t bother engaging with him and you’ll be just fine.
My esteem for your husband has considerably risen, because of your post, I confess I was developing a rather dim view of him. Happy I was mistaken.
Nah. If the people he saw most did that, then maybe, but it’s not like Jr won’t have positive influences. Influences are the opposite of levers: the longer the distance, the worse they work, and your FIL is relatively far and surrounded by good influences.
The “om…” thing. Basic survival mechanism. Just a couple weeks back, my mother told me “sometimes I think (Cousin who is the Ancient Ones’ primary caretaker) doesn’t remember everything they have done” and I answered “Mom, if she did, she would have pushed them onto the subway tracks years ago. She sort of forgets on purpose in order to preserve her sanity, you know.” “Ah. True, that.”
My vote: he’s an asshole, there is never ever any excuse for anyone to play the dead baby card on a pregnant woman, ever. Avoid him. You don’t need the stress.