It doesn’t matter to me how slanted the OP might be. If you mention dying babies to a pregnant woman, you’ve made a terrible mistake and you should immediately regress to Hank Hill’s “you look pretty” defense.
That said, although I checked the “get over it already” option, I don’t really think this is a “get over it” situation; I just don’t think “spend as little time as possible with him” is better. It sounds like he’s just a garden-variety jerk, so you should treat him the way you’d treat any old jerk in your family.
I said “get over it” - because I think you should get over the insensitive rantings of a man who has no idea how sturdy babies are.
But you shouldn’t get over the “bitchiest bitch” comment. That is the point at which such a person would never be allowed in my home again without a sincere apology. Even if he were my father in law and I was carrying his grandchild.
The dead baby comments were damn stupid and the bitch comment horrible, but it sounds like he’s a royal jerk and not likely to change. I wouldn’t want to spend much time with him if I could avoid it.
Of course, I have a six-day-old, so I’m all hormonal and Mother-Bear-ish.
He’s a bully. Next time he does that, call him on it. “Bob, you know that you are a bully and an asshole and I know it and everyone else here knows it. But sometimes the opinion of a bully and an asshole is not called for. If you find your goddamn gums flapping, try to remember that the adults are trying to have a pleasant conversation and if we wanted shit in the punchbowl we would beat it out of you.”
And I say this as another hormonally crazed pregnant woman. The first practical thing that my husband said regarding his parents in relation to their impending (first) grandchild was “My father is never to be left alone in charge of the baby.” (Not because his father is a terrible person, just terribly irresponsible.) On that, I have to defer to my husband’s judgment. I’ve only known my FIL for a short time, and only met him once. My husband has dealt with him for 41 years. On this subject, he does know better. Just like I understand my own parents’ follies, and know where to set specific boundaries.
I voted for the second option, but by “get over it” I mean don’t let it bother you. He’s an ass. Just give your husband and extra hug for growing up not like his father.
I think you should work on a few phrases and facial expressions you can use with him.
Practice raising an eyebrow, cocking your head to the side, smirking slightly and saying “Uh huuuuh. :: pause :: What an interesting perspective.” then give a small, prim smile and then turn to someone else and start talking about something completely different. He’ll get the message that you think he’s a dipshit and you still get to be the reasonable one.
You are allowing him to talk to you this way. Somewhere along the line he thinks you will accept this behavior. Maybe his wife and son accept this behavior, but that doesn’t mean you need to.
I’ve been married for 17 years, and luckily married into a good family. Even though they are good people, they still have said inappropriate things on occasion; but I am sure I have, too. In those instances, I would advise letting it go.
But if any relative called me a bitch or told me my unborn baby will die unless I do it (whatever it is) their way? I would’ve slapped him. Actually, I would have said, in my most serious, threatening tone, “If you ever speak to me like that again, you will not like the repercussions.” The next time it happens, I’d slap him.
I don’t think your husband get a complete pass in all this. I certainly get why, having grown up with a boorish loud-mouth of a father, he would simply tune out the assholish comments. And that’s fine for those barbs aimed at him, if that’s how he wants to handle that relationship.
But it seems he’s become so personally beat down by his father’s bullying that he can’t properly respond when it’s directed at his wife (and soon, his child). I’m sure he gets pissed, but it seems like he’s made no effort to set boundaries with his Dad as to what is acceptable behavior toward you.
Honestly, I think that you taking a stand against this unacceptable behavior will only work if your husband is willing to forcefully stand with you. If he simply shrinks from confronting his father, Dad’s just going to keep writing you off as a bitch and your standing up for yourself as evidence of the same.
Well, I’m not much interested in picking a fight with the man. Really, hitting someone seems like a rather odd method to try to diffuse a situation, which is why option ‘A’ in the poll wasn’t 'You’re right - lay a WWE style smackdown on FIL."
The only two options I’m interested in are getting over it - i.e. just ignore the douchy comments when they come, or just avoiding the man altogether.
I really didn’t think I owed him an apology but I was will to at least consider it, but it doesn’t look like anyone chose that option.
Regarding Mr. Wonderland’s responsibility in all this - obviously, no one here has been present when FIL starts acting like a dick, but the suggestion that hubby is letting him get away with things is false. We’ve cut down how often we see FIL to about twice a month in large part because of how he treats me - not only because it makes me grumpy, but it pisses the Mr. off a great deal. When we do see FIL, honestly, these comments seem to come out of left field - everything will be going along fine and then suddenly he’s an asshole. The Mr. and I have gotten up and left places immediately more than once due to FIL’s douchyness. Hubby is just not to blame.
As an aside - we see MIL much more often - FIL travels for work and is away most of the time so it’s easy to limit contact with him. MIL, as I mentioned before, is quite lovely.
I think Alice has a good handle on her relationship with her husband and her in-laws - she knows better than we do how much she and her husband have to put up with to keep the right balance of family harmony and self-respect. You can’t just slap your father-in-law consequence-free (course, you can’t call your daughter-in-law a bitch consequence-free, either, but I can’t imagine that either Alice or her husband have forgotten it - it all goes in the bank against him).
Because she didn’t make the comment out loud to those who would be hurt by it. World of difference.
It’s daydreaming-type wishing, not something that would ever be acted on, and it’s quite normal.
You are taking this way too literally and way too seriously. Much more literally and seriously, I’m sure, than alice. Might I suggest that some perspective on the thoughts that cross people’s minds when they’re upset would be a good thing for you to acquire?