Is my friend's race preventing her from finding decent partners?

In My Humble Opinion
1

A friend of mine is Hispanic. She’s not one of those Hispanics who look “white”, and is quite dark, she has been mistaken for Indian (dot), Hawaiian/Polynesian, and black.

We live in Kansas City if that matters.

She has always told me that she can’t attract decent men (and women, she identifies as “straight” but she is open-minded) because she is Hispanic. And that classy and attractive men and women, regardless of their race, don’t date brown and black people. She tends to be attracted to white men, but has been attracted to Asians, blacks, and other Hispanics on occasion. I used to think what she said was completely hogwash until recently. Something is definately not right.

She has chronic failure with attracting decent partners, she’s turning 26 this summer. It is strange because she is attractive, intelligent (just graduated from grad school a week ago), funny, doesn’t do drugs, isn’t slutty, and nice. Yet, she attracts men who are “off”, regardless of their race.

She is not imagining this, I thought she was at first, but over the years I’ve noticed a pattern emerging. Other friends are noticing this too. The men and women she attracts either are drug users, have criminal records, have untreated mental illness, are unusually socially awkward, approach her in an extremely sexually aggressive way (despite that she almost never wear revealing clothes), unambitious, too old, or very unattractive. In other words, no one that you would want to take home to meet your parents.

She rarely hangs out at the “wrong places”, we go to nice restaurants and bars, and she is utterly invisible. Same with grad school. But we can be sitting in our car at an intersection, in a “scary” neighborhood and she’ll get tons of attention.

I don’t have an explanation for her. I’m wondering if there is something else going on, that she is giving off some strange vibe that we are unaware of, that could be repelling decent potential partners, and attracting negative ones. Maybe I am falling into wishful thinking, I just don’t believe that people are so racist around here that her ethnicity would make her undatable among desiable people.

2

:eek:

I don’t know, but I’m curious because I have an ordinary white friend with the same problem.

Has she tried online matchmaking of some sort? Going to bars and restaurants isn’t ideal for meeting potential mates.

3

Yes, same problem. She only gets about two stalks*, per week if that. And most of those are from weirdos. WHile other people in our group get 10-30 stalks per week.

*For those unfamiliar of online dating, a “stalk” is when another person views your profile.

4

This alone is not a reason to think it’s race based. These are common things that people with drama attract. I’m not saying she has drama, just that it’s the most common thing for you to attract/seek what you’ve learned “environmentally”.

Daddy beat you up? You’ll attract/seek abusive “SO’s”.
Passive parents? You’ll attract/seek passivness.
Witnessed violence as a child. It may breed something in your personality over time that is unattractive, or attrictive to “off” people themselves.
etc… etc… etc.

This isn’t always true, but I do believe it to a certain degree.

5

I’d say it has to be some kind of vibe she’s putting out. At first I thought maybe she looks like a chola but then you said she doesn’t dress slutty or anything… maybe because you know her well you’re unaware that she’s putting out an unattractive vibe?

6

Maybe she needs to pick the guys she dates herself rather than taking what she “attracts”. I know girls of every single race color and background who constantly date losers, its not a latino thing.

7

Got a phone number? I’m up in Iowa, but hey, I’m always up for new scenery. :smiley:

8

Nope, nothing about her is cholaish whatsoever. No gold jewelry, no sagging pants, no flannel, and she has normal eyebrows. They aren’t shaved and drawed back on.

She’s just your average gap girl. She’s not the most feminine in her dress, lotsa khakis and button downs no skirts, but I know many women who are the same way but don’t have trouble attracting decent men.

Hmmm…

Speaking of cholas, I would say that she has a LOT of relatives that are walking negative Hispanic stereotypes.

Not so much in her immediate family though. She didn’t grow up in an abusive household, but I would say that her family is somewhat dysfunctional.

But on the other hand, she’s pretty much an straight arrow, you wouldn’t know about the environment she grew up in just by looking at her…well at least I can’t tell.

She gets turned down by the people she approaches.

9

Community standards about expressing one’s attraction may differ in these locales.

10

Anybody ever listen to Dr. Drew on Loveline? One of the things he asks of callers with issues, is if they had abuse in the household. A lot of callers say, “no, nothing out of the ordinary”. Then he’ll ask, “ok, what is ordinary? did your parents argue a lot when you were a child?” The caller will say, “yes”. Then he’ll say, “that’s abuse!”, and then go on a rant about what that means.

Now I know some people have issues with Dr. Drew, but that’s not what I’m talking about. My point? What we think is ordinary, can actually be harmful. That “somewhat dysfunctional” attribute you gave to her family? Could be something there. I’m not saying it’s a certainty, but what we dismiss as ordinary or what we think is normal sometimes isn’t and can have long lasting effects on someone later in life. And I don’t think it’s so easy to say “everybody has a dysfunctional family”. The thing with that is, is to what degree…

11

Does she believe this or do you? This part stuck out for me – it sounds like she’s self-defeatest if she believes this.

Do you agree with that statement based on what you’ve seen around KC?

12

If you brought together all the 26-year-olds who were or had been convinced they had some sort of dating curse together, you’d fill New York City and they’d be spilling out into Jersey and Long Island.

**Maybe it’s your friend. ** She is, after all, the common denominator in all this. She seems great to you - but you’re not trying to date her. If she’s trying to pick up or get picked up in bars, there’s mistake #1 right there.

13

This would probably be the best recommendation. There’s no law in the world which says that the guy has to be the initiator. Don’t wait for “stalks”, go find people and mail them out of the blue. On dating sites, those men will probably be deliriously happy.

For more specific information about what’s wrong with her, we’d probably need to see how she presents herself. Have a link to her page?

14

I think this could be the problem right here.

15

Well, if nobody who is classy and attractive dates someone like her, then by her own definition none of the people who date her can be classy and attractive. It sort of makes me wonder if she takes a subconscious negative attitude toward the sort of people she’d ideally like to attract.

16

I’m strongly considering moving to Missouri next year. If she’s still single then, maybe we can chat or something.

17

At some point, it’s hard not to agree with the DeMotivator: “The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.” She might benefit from counseling to see if she’s internalized some bad ideas about relationship behavior and what to expect from a partner. She may be unconsciously devaluing herself and seeking out men who will devalue her as well.

18

I know this would be a massive invasion of her privacy, but a picture would help so as not to determine if she just might not be a bit more universally (I know you said she was) attractive.

19

Um… not knowing how to ask other than ask… is she ugly? Ok, let’s say unattractive? Does she think she is?

I am a self-identifying unattractive person. I don’t get dates with classy and attractive women either.

20

Yeah, can we “stalk” her? :slight_smile: