I met my husband during his time here in the US on a visit visa. We connected really well and I never had any bad vibes about him…until now. I still can’t decide whether I’m just being paranoid (I’ve married a visa holder before and have previously been through immigration…it didn’t work out) or if my intuition is warning me to GET OUT. I’m 26 - white American from a Christian background - he’s 38 and Muslim from a South Asian country. I didn’t tell my family that we got married - I was afraid of a negative reaction from them. When I first told my mother I was seeing him, because I wanted to introduce the idea of him in my life, the first question she asked was if he had a green card. Ever since learning about where he’s from she’s been sending me news stories about his country and anything that negatively speaks of Islam. The points that are causing doubt in my marriage are as follows: He never told his family about me, or that he got married (his reason being that he wants me to become the best version of myself so that they would approve of me) - He refuses to add me on any of his social media accounts (reason being that there were relationship issues regarding social media in the past and he wants to avoid that again) - When I ask simply what he’s done in a day he calls me nosy - He gets angry if he senses any indication that I’m doubting him or don’t trust him.
Now on the other hand, he is trying to make me a better person. He’s encouraging me to grow and become better. Now that’s not something that I would think someone who’s using me would bother doing. Sometimes I’ve noticed a certain way he looks at me - it’s a look that’s genuine and the way any woman would want a man to look at her. He also gets upset if he thinks I’m being insecure.
He’s also been a tad bit possessive - although claiming not to be jealous at all - but he has yelled at me before for glancing in the direction of other brown men, accusing me of checking them out (I literally haven’t done that, I obviously can’t control if I look in a certain direction and there just happens to be brown people in that area - our city is heavily populated with South Asians anyway), he’s made me delete contacts from my phone of brown guys (even though they were people I knew before even meeting him). Is this something that a man would do if he’s just using someone?? I’m so confused!! It concerns me that when he gets angry at me about anything - he resorts to name calling and abusive language - yet continually tells me that I’m immature. He’s threatened to leave multiple times, yet hasn’t. This concerns me the most.
Now when we got married we weren’t able to live together due to financial reasons. He, not being able to work, and I - only working a part time job -couldn’t afford to live anywhere. I’ve also come into a lot of debt trying my best to provide for him - buying him anything he needed like new clothes and a new phone - also paying his rent. Also food. Our city is expensive…I recently had no option but to move back in with my parents in a different state. Now that he’s been having issues with the people he’s renting from - he recently started telling me that I should tell my family about our marriage. This concerns me, but only based on the timing, because before he wanted me to wait to tell my family until he had his papers.
Due to lack of money and his lack of ability to retrieve his birth certificate - we haven’t been able to file our case for immigration. With all these doubts I’m having recently, I’m not sure that that’s such a bad thing. I’m just so confused because there is a lot of bad mixed with a lot of good in this situation and I can’t decide what to do. We’ve had bad fights but there are also so many moments and happy memories together that I feel have been real. I’ve always been one to see the best in people, but I’m scared that I’ve been duped…again.
I’m afraid that I made a stupid mistake again and put faith in the wrong person. I’m just hoping that things aren’t what they seem and I’m just being paranoid. There’s no denying that there are some major red flags here…but I just want some insight.
Is there anything anyone could say that would provide me with some clarity on this situation? Thanks…
It sounds like he is using you all right. Not just for a green card either. Every single thing you said is a reason in itself to get away from this guy, and they just go on and on.
I’d change my name and move to a different town and start a new life.
It is possible to have a nice relationship without drama and red flags. Maybe dump this guy and hope for better luck next time? This guy sounds truly terrible:
Some of the behavior from your mom can be chalked up to garden variety islamophobia and some of his actions can be explained by cultural differences (especially not wanting his parents to meet you, societal standards around this differ a lot). Some of the behavior sounds jerkish but plenty of Americans are jerkish as well.
IMHO, the key thing now is to determine how much he cares about you vs the green card. You could try casually mentioning that you want to wait a few months before going in for the immigration interview. A plausible excuse would be that you know immigration applies special scrutiny to people from high risk countries and you want to establish a more firm base for getting to know each other before risking getting grilled.
If he’s someone who is in it for the long haul, then a couple of extra months should not be a big deal for me. If he’s someone who’s planning to divorce you as soon as the two year timer runs out, then he’ll be especially fixated on this and this will cause him to flip.
The most important thing to remember is that now, you hold all the power in the relationship. For the next two years, at any point you can unilaterally decide to divorce him and his green card is in jeopardy. You shouldn’t have to put up with any abuse from him, he has no leverage over you at this point in time.
The thing is, everything is already delayed because we don’t have the money to pay the filing fees and no birth certificate - so we haven’t even registered with immigration.
What is his visa status? Is he here now legally or not? If not, he is going to find it very difficult to convert. He’d probably have to go home and apply from there.
My daughter married a guy from Germany - who is wonderful, did tell his parents, and is very responsible. Immigration wants lots of evidence for a pre-existing relationship, like pictures of you together. They seem to be very suspicious of these kind of cases. And immigration moves glacially slowly. Don’t expect to call and have an appointment next week. If I were you I’d do some research.
But be prepared for him to split if it turns out you are not an easy ticket to a green card. Secrecy is seldom a good way to have a relationship.
I don’t appreciate that. I’m absolutely genuine & right now in quite a bit over my head. I’m also aware that I’ve more than likely done something very stupid & I feel like an idiot.
Let me understand, it sounds like you are saying you cannot afford to live in a single household, but you can afford to live in TWO households. Two households are cheaper than one, huh? And you have to pay for them both.
I’m not all that familiar with immigration laws and policies, but I do know this: There isn’t a chance in hell that you will convince an immigration officer this isn’t a sham marriage if you can’t even live together.
And, since you live in another state, when is he doing all this stuff like looking at you approvingly, teaching you to be a better person, and getting jealous? Can you afford to take day trips to be with each other?
OK. You got married. You can’t just disappear. You need to contact a family law attorney and discuss your options. Maybe there will be grounds for annulment or maybe you need to go with a formal divorce,
And after you get rid of this guy, you need to speak with a counselor or therapist about your self-esteem issues that drive you to rush to get married to a guy you hardly know and whom you can’t even introduce to your parents. No more getting married until you work out your issues – just make that a firm rule.
Alley Dweller,
I was staying with a friend who was letting me live with them rent free until I could get myself set up in that city. So I was never paying for two households. I appreciate your advice. I will be contacting a family law attorney. & I’m no stranger to therapy. Thank you.
Some of those issues that you have with him seem like they religion/culture related, but that is not really true. You can live in a culture and not accept it, and some people after moving to the states don’t stay as rigid.
To be frank I have never heard anyone saying: it is so great that my hasband/wife is muslim and I am not… Being muslim is usually not just your private religion, it is a whole way of life, that no reasonable person with a different lifestyle would accept. You will have a boat load of problems as you get closer just as a result of this issue.
Muslim or not, this person has clearly a very low opinion on women. Culture is not an excuse, just like there have been people in Nazi germany who helped the Jews and like there were people in Iraq that went against ISIS.
He is not choosing his family over you, he is choosing his personal comfort over you, and that can never be fixed.
