I am about to quit OKCupid, I think. I have done it several times since 2007, and this is definitely the worst experience I’ve had. I was able to find a relationship on there in 2007, 2009 (two), 2010, and 2012 for a total of five. This time, I’ve been on there six months with nothing and a lot of frustration. Now, I put a lot of work into it in the past and ended up with somewhat long-distance relationships (this last one was in Michigan with someone four hours away). But at least it happened.
It really seems to be that the population of local women has absolutely cratered (by local I mean in a “100 mile radius,” lol). As an experiment, I searched on the following very lax parameters: 100 mile radius (around Indianapolis), age 42, no drugs, no smoking, online in the last month. How many profiles showed up? About 20. Yeah. I did some calculating, and I estimate there are only about 2,000 women in the age range I would consider (roughly 24-40) on the site. And most of those are at the younger end, which wouldn’t be a great fit for me. But in any case, the numbers are abysmal.
Meanwhile, all the scumbag dudes are messaging the **** out of the women on there, which I think only drives them away. I had a friend quit recently because of all the low-quality messages and men. Then decent guys like me get frustrated and quit… so who is left?
Tell me what you think. I am pondering other sites and methods. (No, not Plenty of Fish. That’s a trailer trash nightmare!)
Dating services and systems have always sucked, attracted trash and been abused by a minority. The vastness of the interwebz hasn’t changed that.
It’s too bad, really, given how many of us have spent too much time lonely and wanting a companion that you know is out there, somewhere. But the services tend to devolve to women who are either permanent flakes (20yo dipshits and 35yo hardcore daters) or have some crippling baggage like being a smoker or “light” drug user. The rest either get snapped up or leave due to the creep factor.
Good luck, is all I can say. For all the mega-communication we’re drowning in, it seems like people have never been more isolated and far apart.
Speaking from a woman’s POV, you may be right. I’ve been there on and off since 2009. This time out, the only one who was both local and legit was my downstairs neighbor (we’ve known each other for six years). Although we’re not a good match, we’ve become good friends.
It’s now a sport to pick out the scam artists. Dudes whose profile I view and don’t message but they message me tend to be the ones.
Nobody ever seemed interested in reading my profile. They saw I was local and wanted to hook up for sex. I had it written right up at the top that I had no interest in that sort of thing. I also had a few send me messages to tell me how ugly I was and how desperate I sounded. They too wanted to hook up. And then there were the Christians who didn’t see that I’m atheist and sent me messages about looking for a godly woman. . . generally to hook up but I guess only to pray together.
I had it up for two years without a single interesting reply.
I think there’s not enough information to make a valid claim either way, but I have two points to consider:
My understanding is that members of OK Cupid skew young. So even if there are few 42-year olds, that might just mean that it’s not very popular in your demographic.
I don’t think that OK Cupid makes any kind of guarantee that they’ll report all possible matches to your search criteria. You’re not getting direct access to their database; you’re getting a filtered set of results that they think is most likely to make them money (by whatever business model they use). If it shows few matches to your search, that doesn’t necessarily mean that there are few users, it might mean that they’re not showing those users to you for some complicated algorithmic reason.
Five failed relationships in 5 years? A lot of women might not consider you a decent guy…if you mean by decent guy long term relationship material, which in my opinion is what most women are looking for.
I’d be willing to be you have a setting set wrong. I can look within 25 miles of me, 5 years on either side of my age and just online at that time and there’s probably usually at least 50+. Online in the past month would probably yield 2-300. Of course I don’t pick out anything specific for drugs or smoking, but I can’t imagine that would bring it down to 20.
You should make sure you don’t have like (even by accident) a height or diet restriction in there. I just can’t imagine any other way to knock down, what should be a pool of several thousand all the way down to twenty just by eliminating smokers and drug users.
Do keep in mind, though, that many people will leave those fields blank and I’m not sure how the matching system works so you might be leaving those people out. You might try taking that out of your search and reading through their questions to see what they said about those subjects.
I could have written your post changing only a few details. Stockton must be a little better in some not apparent to me way, but largely I have the same complaints. The thing is; I’m not noticing a real difference on any of the others. POF and Match are also as bad and just plain fuck the whatever the hell is going on over at Chemistry. The nerd in me really wants online dating to be a panacea. Put in your particulars try to be honest about your warts, voila! But no, a few shitty people have to ruin it for everyone.
I don’t bother with the free sites. I have much better results with one of the paid niche sites. I still can’t find local. You know, there is a truth to the idea that they don’t want you to find someone and leave the site.
I can only give my experience, from back when I was dating:
I used both online dating and “real world” dating simultaneously and extensively. None of my lasting relationships came from the online world; they all came from meeting women in real life. From friends, at parties, at social events, etc.
It worked out great for me. Yes, there’s a lot of stuff to sift through and I doubt it’s for everybody- I expect it’s a lot better for younger people, for example, and I don’t know if the OP is in a very active area for OKCupid. If you’re not enjoying it, Aeschines, then you should definitely try something else; there’s not much point in continuing if you don’t like the matches you’re getting or aren’t enjoying yourself. And it’s not like you can’t go back to it if you change your mind later.
I wish people didn’t say “failed relationships.” More importantly, without more context that sounds like an unfair judgment of Aeschines. You don’t know why these relationships didn’t work out, and it’s not necessarily a mark against him that they didn’t last. Staying with someone who isn’t right for you isn’t a virtue and if there’s one thing you get in online dating, at least if it’s good, it’s the opportunity to think about what you do want.
I think a lot varies by location, and services do trend up or trend down in a city across time. I think OKC does skew young, and older people prefer pay services because they perceive them as more serious.
I apologize for my remark. I don’t like the whole “dating-like-it’s-an-interview” mentality of online dating sites. I just can’t put the effort into it to reap any rewards.
But I know it has worked for many; if it worked for you my sincerest congratulations.
Yes, I was searching on a single year of age, whereas you said you were searching on five years on either side of your age. If I did that, I would normally get the numbers you mention–but I have already gone through and hidden the profiles that were not appealing. Age 42 was an experiment insofar as I hadn’t searched on that age yet and was able to look at it fresh.
We know a few others, too. Certainly more than I expected when I tried online dating.
I was skeptical before I tried it, for sure. And I doubt it’d work for everybody. But I didn’t find it interview-like at all. I liked going into dates knowing more about the other person than I probably would’ve known under other circumstances. I thought it reduced the chances I’d find myself stuck talking to someone terrible. My girlfriend made a point of meeting people for drinks and not sit-down meals for the same reason. She made an exception for me and that also worked out pretty well.
rushgeekgirl, I’ve had the same experience with the religious types. Most are interested in hot heathen chick sex or are out to save my soul. If their initial message is polite, I message back that I’m not a good match for them and why. At my age, some of the guys are newly single after being married for years and need assistance navigating these things. Those I give the benefit of the doubt.
By the way, I have 5 or so friends now, one of whom is a best friend, that I met on OKCupid.
I also know couples who met there. If you are in a high-population city, it will probably work for you.
My theory about the “death spiral” is for medium-sized to smaller cities. For example, the Indy metro area is about 1,000,000 people. So 500,000 of either sex. When you think of the number of people who are 18+, straight, single, and want to date (for straight guys like me), that number is going to be a lot lower. I doubt one could expect more than 1% of the population to be on the site, so that would be 5,000 female profiles tops. I have estimated that there are about 2,000 people who fit pretty lax search conditions on the site (24 or older, non-smoker, non-drugger, 100 mile radius, online in last month). So that is pretty close.
The thing is, that is not that many people. If one is picky like me (I want a certain type of intellectual Bohemian woman), then it’s just not a lot.
Further, it’s not a very big number to maintain a critical mass. If the site gets unpleasant for women (and no doubt it already is to a lot of them), that number can drop pretty quickly, and then that city is effectively “dead” as far as the dating site is concerned.
I don’t think OKC is “dead” for Indy yet, but it does seem much worse than in the past.
Dudes whose profile I view and don’t message but they message me tend to be the ones.