Is she cheating? opinions, please

Someone I work with is a bit of a playboy. He was involved with a woman, had a child with her, and left her. He then started a relationship with another woman at work. He left her for his child’s mother, whom he then married. He then immediately started an affair with the second one. This has been going on for over 5 years.

    They are discreet at work, but admit the ongoing affair. He admits he is cheating. The mistress denies she is cheating, or that carrying on an affair with a married man is as bad as cheating. (This is not an open marriage, he says so).  Is she? I say if she is not, it is splitting hairs, and is adultery, and she is equally to blame, anyway.

Note: I do not know the wife, so I am not going to tell her. She may even know but not want to publically admit it. I am not going to act on your opinions. My beliefs are sometimes considered “old-fashioned” so I just wanted a concensus to see if I am that far out of the mainstream. (and I ain’t gonna change how I see it anyway, this just for my frame of reference).

If the mistress is unattached, she is not cheating on an SO, obviously. However, she is certainly commiting adultery, and her actions are still morally reprehensible.

No, she’s not cheating or commiting adultery, he is. That doesn’t make what she is doing ( having an affair with a married man without his wife’s consent or approval) any better than what he’s doing, it’s equally reprehensible.

I don’t know if cheating is the word I’d use… my opinion of her would be as low as my opinion of him, but she’s made no commitment to his wife, so it’s not like she’s cheating on her. I think your second paragraph about nails it - she’s as bad as him, and she’s equally to blame even if she isn’t actually cheating on anyone. All in all, it’s a murky situation, and one I’m glad I don’t have to watch going on around me. Do you find yourself washing your hands a lot when these people are around?

Is she cheating ? it’s a cheating relationship. the fact that they’re only cheating on one outside party doesn’t make it less of a cheating relationship. If she didn’t know he was married/involved, I’d give her a pass. But she knows.

Since you’re just asking for opinions here, I’d say she isn’t cheating but she is committing adultry. And she’s as reprehensible as he is.

I’m with Lucretia and Bumbazine here. He’s cheating, she’s not; it doesn’t matter since they’re both committing adultery.

I’ll add that while it’s bad enough to actively undermine your marriage or someone else’s sans children, it’s much worse when they’re part of the equation. Stable homes are good things for kids. And extramarital affairs don’t positively contribute to the stability of marriages.

Of course she’s cheating. She’s cheating herself out of a normal meaningful relationship with someone who’s able to give 100% of himself to her and her alone. Been there, done that, wrote the friggin’ book on it! She’s basically trying to justify what she’s doing because she knows it’s wrong.

“cheating” no. “home wrecking whore” yes. I hope the “w” word is ok in this context in the IMHO forum. Please let me know if it is not.

-me

He’s a cheating whore. She’s just a whore.

How’s this . . . Al robs Bob, and gives the money to Christine, saying, “Hey, baby. Here’s some money I stole from Bob.” When confronted, Christine says, “I didn’t steal.”

She is correct, is she not? However, given that she was well aware that she was profiting from a crime, she is not blameless.

Although he says it’s not an open marriage, the wife may well know about th mistress and, to an extent, accept that she’s there… we don’t know and although he seems like an ass, we don’t really know the whole situation do we…so using terms like “whore” could be alittle judgmental given we know jack about the relationshiop

BBJ

I can’t say that what she is doing is just as bad as what he is doing. Every wrong act on her part is matched with an identical wrong act on his part. He, however, has the added burden of breaking a vow to his wife. Think about it, if she were to get married, have a child and continue this affair, wouldn’t that be worse?

What she is doing isn’t right, but I feel very comfortable calling his acts more wrong than hers.

First, to answer lurker’s question – no, I don’t think it’s cheating or adultry on her part.

Second, a bit of a story, more in detail from things I’ve said on the boards before, that may shed a little light on “mistresses”, and their “whore value”.

When I was 19, I met a man at Rocky Horror. We got a long wonderfully, and soon started dating. At the time, he was living with his ex-girlfriend and his son. He told me, as did his neighbors, that there was nothing between the two of them. While I never met the ex, we often spent time with his son (who was 5 at the time), so it really didn’t seem as though there was anything going on with my boyfriend and his ex. I didn’t feel comfortable with him living there, and often tried to get him to move in with me, but it was always to no avail. About a year and a half after we started dating, he and I got in a horrible fight. (We did a lot of that by then) He decided that the best way to stop coming back to me was to marry his ex. Except that didn’t happen.

We started seeing each other “as friends” which progressed to masturbating in front of each other, then to me being a full-fledged mistress. I hated every minute of not being “public”, but I believed him when he told me that he really loved me, and that he wasn’t in love with her, and that he was only staying around for his son. He told me that, one day, he would leave her for me. That he wanted to marry me but “Now just isn’t the right now. I’ve got to think of my son, you know.” And so I waited. For 5 more years.

This whole time, I had no self-esteem. None. I didn’t think I could have any better, I didn’t think I deserved any better. I tried to focus on the “good times” and forget the bad – when he put me down, ignored me, forbid me contacting him. I began to ruin my relationship with my family, because he was more important than they were. My best friend wouldn’t even let me mention him around her, because she hated him so much. (One of the many times we “broke up”, he hit on her, tried to get her to fly to Detroit on a business trip with him. She said no, and yet that STILL didn’t make me see what this man was.) It wasn’t until I actually had time away from him, after having to move to my parents because of financial issues, that I realized that, yes, I still loved him, but no, I didn’t trust him, and I’d never be able to. And I told him it was over. 2 months later, he called me to meet him, showed me papers to file for divorce, and had a ring to put on my finger. I told him no. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, because it’s what I’d wanted for 7 years. But by then, I’d continued to grow stronger, I had a chance at happiness with a wonderful man that WASN’T married, and I knew that I didn’t have to go back to my ex.

Was I wrong to date him while he was married? Yes. Do I regret it? Incredibly. But was I a whore? No, I don’t think I was. I enjoyed the sex, but that wasn’t why I stayed with him. I was with him because I was young, naive, and very much in love. I rationalized the relationship to myself. I made a lot of mistakes in that 6 1/2 years. And I did a lot of growing in the past year and half. I can’t change what was in the past, I can only vow to not put myself in that situation again in the future.

So the woman that lurker knows… I can’t judge her too harshly. I was in her shoes once, and I don’t know her whole story. Maybe she DOES just get a kick out of screwing a married man behind his wife’s back. Maybe she DOES just want him for mind-blowing sex. But maybe she really loves him, and is trying to follow her heart. And maybe there’s more to the whole story than any of us know.

Of course we don’t know the whole situation. I’m sure there are a million tawdry details that she and he use to justify their actions. I don’t give a baboon’s ass about any one of those details. Given what I’ve been told, they’re both whores, but he’s a cheating whore.

I call 'em as I see 'em.

Thanks for the story, TruePisces. I’ve been involved directly and indirectly with these kinds of situations, and I agree with you in that they’re complex, incredibly painful situation for all people involved. To all those who want to flat out decide that both parties involved are low-life whores, well, all I can say is I truly hope that you never find yourselves in a situation where your needs and your ethics are in conflict. People who find themselves in adulterous relationships are rarely there because it’s ‘fun’ or because they set out to be a ‘homewrecker’ or any of those other reasons. From what I’ve seen, it’s one of the most painful and worst situations to be in, and people caught up in them have a very difficult time coming out.

[on an aside - how in the bloody world can people flat out decide that certain things make people ‘whores’ or worse, when you have no idea of the situation? Hell, even murder is justified sometimes. Is it really so hard to understand that although a situation isn’t ideal, sometimes they happen because people are not healthy emotionally, and do things that they later come to regret?

What even gets me more are the spouses who decide the ‘mistress’ or male equivalent is a low down dirty whore, but somehow justify their cheating spouse after the fact if they manage to save the marriage. Excuse me, but you somehow decided your spouse was a worthwhile enough human to stay married to him/her. How come the other party involved is still a slut? [/end rant]]

He’s cheating and committing adultery; she’s committing adultery. I think adultery is the big no-no here, and they’re both guilty of it. I think she also gets 50% of the blame, because he wouldn’t be cheating if nobody would cheat with him.