First, to answer lurker’s question – no, I don’t think it’s cheating or adultry on her part.
Second, a bit of a story, more in detail from things I’ve said on the boards before, that may shed a little light on “mistresses”, and their “whore value”.
When I was 19, I met a man at Rocky Horror. We got a long wonderfully, and soon started dating. At the time, he was living with his ex-girlfriend and his son. He told me, as did his neighbors, that there was nothing between the two of them. While I never met the ex, we often spent time with his son (who was 5 at the time), so it really didn’t seem as though there was anything going on with my boyfriend and his ex. I didn’t feel comfortable with him living there, and often tried to get him to move in with me, but it was always to no avail. About a year and a half after we started dating, he and I got in a horrible fight. (We did a lot of that by then) He decided that the best way to stop coming back to me was to marry his ex. Except that didn’t happen.
We started seeing each other “as friends” which progressed to masturbating in front of each other, then to me being a full-fledged mistress. I hated every minute of not being “public”, but I believed him when he told me that he really loved me, and that he wasn’t in love with her, and that he was only staying around for his son. He told me that, one day, he would leave her for me. That he wanted to marry me but “Now just isn’t the right now. I’ve got to think of my son, you know.” And so I waited. For 5 more years.
This whole time, I had no self-esteem. None. I didn’t think I could have any better, I didn’t think I deserved any better. I tried to focus on the “good times” and forget the bad – when he put me down, ignored me, forbid me contacting him. I began to ruin my relationship with my family, because he was more important than they were. My best friend wouldn’t even let me mention him around her, because she hated him so much. (One of the many times we “broke up”, he hit on her, tried to get her to fly to Detroit on a business trip with him. She said no, and yet that STILL didn’t make me see what this man was.) It wasn’t until I actually had time away from him, after having to move to my parents because of financial issues, that I realized that, yes, I still loved him, but no, I didn’t trust him, and I’d never be able to. And I told him it was over. 2 months later, he called me to meet him, showed me papers to file for divorce, and had a ring to put on my finger. I told him no. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, because it’s what I’d wanted for 7 years. But by then, I’d continued to grow stronger, I had a chance at happiness with a wonderful man that WASN’T married, and I knew that I didn’t have to go back to my ex.
Was I wrong to date him while he was married? Yes. Do I regret it? Incredibly. But was I a whore? No, I don’t think I was. I enjoyed the sex, but that wasn’t why I stayed with him. I was with him because I was young, naive, and very much in love. I rationalized the relationship to myself. I made a lot of mistakes in that 6 1/2 years. And I did a lot of growing in the past year and half. I can’t change what was in the past, I can only vow to not put myself in that situation again in the future.
So the woman that lurker knows… I can’t judge her too harshly. I was in her shoes once, and I don’t know her whole story. Maybe she DOES just get a kick out of screwing a married man behind his wife’s back. Maybe she DOES just want him for mind-blowing sex. But maybe she really loves him, and is trying to follow her heart. And maybe there’s more to the whole story than any of us know.