If you were to add up all the hours a week you spend doing work for them (chores, etc.), subtract out the fraction that is your own stuff (if you spend 3 hours washing dishes for three people, that counts as two hours worth of work for them, since you’d have to wash your own dishes if you moved out), what do you end up with?
If you were paid a wage for that time (whatever wage you could earn at a job you could get), would it be more than the financial assistance you’re receiving from your parents? Make sure to consider rent and groceries and utilities and tuition and maybe use of a car or any other perks you get while living at home.
If it’s less, then you’re not being taken advantage of. You are still a dependent, albeit one that’s contributing to the household.
If it’s more, go get that job and move out! You’re a real independent grown-up.
If it’s not more right now, it will be a pretty good feeling at some point in the future when you really are self-supporting and you can do whatever you want.
Before you make any decision, you should consider the possible outcomes.
In this case, what happens if they don’t agree to your requests? Suppose they simply tell you that they expect you to do all these things in exchange for the room and board they are providing. Are you going to be willing to continue living with them if they say this?
Or suppose they tell you that they regard your attitude as unacceptable and tell you to move out and support yourself. Do you have a plan for this?
I am sorry – your parents are severe emotional abusers. Most people here do not know anything about the issue. You should find a therapist who can help. You can talk to people on r/raisedbynarcissists on Reddit.
My parents made few decisions for me – only the two major decisions – going into STEM and finishing a PhD. Still these decisions were detrimental to my life.
[QUOTE=CCitizen]
I am sorry – your parents are severe emotional abusers. Most people here do not know anything about the issue. You should find a therapist who can help. You can talk to people on r/raisedbynarcissists on Reddit.
[/QUOTE]
This is terrible advice. You should not listen to this. Firstly because, given the situation outlined in the OP, we don’t know if it’s true. Secondly because, even if it was true, it’s irrelevant.
Your focus should not be “are my parents bad people? Help me determine how unreasonable they are!” It should be “what are the things about my life that are stressing me? How can I change them?”
People who did not have to deal with Toxic Parents will give you advice on how to get along with them. I am not a therapist – thus my only advice is to find a therapist who will be on your side.
In my experience even much less control can be life – destroying.
In any case, my PhD is not in psychology but in Math which I hate. You can find people who are qualified to give you advice at r/raisedbynarcissists on Reddit.
What happens if you simply say “I’m sorry, I have a big exam coming up and don’t have time to do that.” Or just leave without telling them where you are going? Or express a negative opinion? What exactly do they do?
Plenty of other posters also made assumptions. Generally that the OP’s parents are reasonable people if a bit clingy.
Like CCitizen, I don’t get this vibe from the OP. I too tend to suspect toxic parents. Overbearing parents might still demand that their adult kid tell them where he goes, but demanding that he goes with them everywhere is a bit much.
Not accepting any backtalk or negative comment isn’t a good sign.
And note that when the OP was actually working, he didn’t have any free time due to domestic chores. That’s neither usual nor normal. In fact, in this day and age, you need to be creative to make sure that a childless household member has no leisure time.
If you take the OP at face value, there’s something seriously wrong with the parents. It seems to me that most previous posters made the assumption that the OP was exaggerating, while CCitizen took his statements as truthful. And there’s no reason not to. He’s not the one assuming things not in evidence, here.
Why is there anything wrong with the parents? They provide full room and board for their adult child and in return ask that person to do housework and chores.
Just turned 18? This does not sound like and unreasonable arrangement.
20-something? most of it is not unreasonable, but I don’t think he should have to tell his parents everywhere he’s going. It is courtesy, though, to tell them approximately what time you think you’ll be home so they don’t worry.
I feel like there is a fair bit of exaggeration as to how much time doing chores and such his parents are demanding of him, but I could be wrong. It would be nice if he’d come back and clarify somethings.
Unless once again you’re assuming exaggeration on the OP’s part, this isn’t exchanging board for domestic chores. It’s an abnormally controling and exploitative attitude : no free time, no staying away from parents, mandatory report on all activities, no right to express one’s mind. It clearly points at an abusive relationship.
I suspect you’re painting a mental image of this household that is different from what the OP is actually describing.
I think that’s exactly what most peope in this thread are doing. They picture their own whinny teens complaining because they’re asked to do the laundry and project it on the OP, ignoring what he’s actually writing, and giving advice on this basis.
Of course, we can’t know that the OP is describing truthfully the situation, but then it’s true for any OP, and we don’t typically assume by default that people are lying in IMHO. Imagine for instance that the OP is a married woman complaining about a jealous and controling husband. Would you take the risk to assume exaggeration on her part when answering her and tell her to try to discuss the issues calmly and openly with her spouse (after she wrote she isn’t allowed to express any negative opinion)? Or would you rather advise her to get the hell out of there?
The parents, as described, are abusive. The OP should get the hell out of there.
I feel that my advice was relevant regardless of whether the OP was reporting his situation accurately or exaggerating. He should not seek to change the situation until he has a plan for what he’s going to do after the change.
At some point in time you will need to stand up to your parents… and to risk being thrown out of their house.
Now ( for you ) isn’t that time.
You DO need to plan for that time & make living on you own as a self-sustaining individual a real eventuality. It might take you 4 years to arrange this and you may need to suck it up for that long.
Pick your battles, bide your time, and don’t renegotiate until you have at least 2 more options of where you can live other than living with them immediately available.
