Nah, the phenomenon of very slightly acquainted couples going out alone together to share commercially purchased refreshments is mostly AFAICT a 20th-century, and especially post-WWI, phenomenon (except in the case of sex workers, of course).
The weird hybrid of patriarchy and gender egalitarianism that became established in the “western” world after 1900, especially with the advent of female suffrage, meant that while many young unmarried women had an unprecedented degree of freedom to go where they liked, when they liked, with whom they liked, they still generally had much less money than their male counterparts.
So while traditional courtship had depended on the home, family and chaperonage, the (romantic) “date” shifted the focus to public commercial venues for socializing, where individual purchasing power carried greater weight.
And with the concept of “dating” came the concept of the “gold digger”, or women who exploited the dating process for pecuniary advantage.
(And “a few hundred millennia”? Do you really think that the 20th-century patriarchy system where men typically have more money than women and thus more access to food resources like restaurant meals is analogous to situations in prehistoric societies? Who do you think were the ones gathering and “mini-hunting” (trapping, fishing etc.) most of that food back then, anyway?)
I was wondering that myself. Obviously the traditional patterns of “dating” culture in post-industrial-revolution societies have some adversarial aspects, where some men try to pressure women into sex out of a sense of financial obligation, and some women fake short-term interest in men to get free meals and treats. But I don’t think it’s accurate to describe either of those phenomena as being merely “payback” for the other.
Of course not unless you are a misogynist or a misandryist. If someone goes on a date with me just for the free meal, more power to them. I doubt that’s ever happened. I have never been on a date like the one in the OP where things started as drink and then changed in scope to a meal though. That’s mainly because I hate bars and wouldn’t go to one unless there is a good band playing in which case I am not hitting on women. I have also never ghosted after first date sex because that’s fucking gross. I wouldn’t go there if I didn’t feel like there was potential beyond that.
Maybe these guys are following the incel script, where every attractive woman has been monkey-branching from Chad to Chad, but now she’s hit the wall and is climbing down off the cock carousel and looking to settle down with her beta.
Usually the first meet up is for coffee at an espresso bar. Occasionally for a drink, and usually I’ll be the one suggesting dinner (moderately priced down the street).
What gets me are the ones that show up and the photo is 10 years and 10 kg out of date. I guess they want the date and figure their charm will make the other person not notice? It’s a deal killer for me. I’m bald and 60, so I put recent photos out there just to be honest. If you’ve got a problem with my lack of hair, I’d rather never meet up than you do the honor of letting me buy you dinner. YMMV
I assumed there were rules. If we agree to meet for a drink, then a drink it is. Then here’s someone who wants to treat you to a nice meal because you have value! It should raise a red flag but it doesn’t. People are not in love but hoping to be loved…they don’t question whether it’s a mirage.
I notice in that article @CairoCarol cited, the author mentions that women felt humiliated. Maybe this applies:
“ We are never so vulnerable as when we love… ” ~Sigmund Freud.
And in this moment, I need to be needed
When my self-esteem is sinking, I like to be liked
In this emptiness and fear,
I want to be wanted
Cause I love to be loved
My first dates are either a walk, coffee or a moderate to nice-ish dinner depending on my mood. I always treat unless they insist in splitting which rarely happens. In all of my many dates, it’s been maybe twice that the pictures were horribly inaccurate.
How about we move this thread to the Pit and have at it and rant?
Dating, as it is commonly practiced in this so-called enlightened society, is profoundly inefficient, time-consuming, and frustrating for a great many participants, male and female alike (I presume), and there is always much to grumble about.
Every date that doesn’t lead to “something more”, where “something more” was expected or at least hoped for, is a waste of an evening that neither participant will ever get back, and a waste of money for many, which adds up. The “success rate” of first dates (for whatever value of “success” you may have defined) is miniscule.
A more efficient and satisfactory dating protocol is badly needed. Is there any possible discussion to be had on suggestions for how that could be done?
I love dating. Yes, most first dates are a mutual meh but so what? People need to not have such a thin skin and not build up a ton of expectations. What’s inefficient about meeting in person and seeing if there’s chemistry? The online thing makes it more efficient generally in my experience because I (and they) can screen out deal breakers before you bother getting together.
So you went out, met someone new and there weren’t sparks. I guess you could have been watching Friends re-runs or something instead. I’d perfer a first date.
Sure, but I do think that both parties in that situation should be cautious and not try to push it beyond a certain polite distance appropriate for a first meeting.
That means no pressuring or coaxing the other person for sex or other forms of intimacy, and no pressuring or coaxing the other person to spend more than the most minimal amount of money on you, if that.
(If, on the other hand, the other party is affirmatively delighted to provide you with whatever extravagant indulgence you desire—sexual, monetary or otherwise—without expecting any quid pro quo, well then, have yourself a ball.)
But I think anybody who’s experienced any of the aforesaid pressuring or coaxing on a first date has a legitimate gripe rather than just being thin-skinned.
I haven’t gone on a romantic date in ages. And when i did, i insisted on splitting the bill. But i love having a meal with a new person and learning about them. I do that all the time at conferences and conventions (where everyone has already paid for the food). My best guess is that I’d be in the same camp as @hajario .
If you feel like women are taking advantage of you to buy them food, just be upfront when they suggest buying some food, “okay, shall we split the bill?” or, “I’m not hungry, but if you want to buy something for yourself I’m happy to nurse my drink while you eat it.”