Is there a name for this dating phenomenon?

In My Humble Opinion
1

A friend was telling us about the last few dates he went out on, where he “met” a woman online who agreed to meet him for a drink, and then, when they met, she suggested that they order a little food, and long story short, basically ordered the menu, stuck him with the tab, and he never heard from her again.

I told this guy’s story to someone else, who laughed and said it’s a thing–he couldn’t remember the name for it, but it’s a regular occurrence, women going out on dates for the free food with zero intention of actually seeing the guy again. I argued that it didn’t make much sense, to deliberately waste hours of your time pretending interest in a stranger just to cop a free meal, but he insisted that it was a standard phenomenon, and he couldn’t think of the exact term to describe it.

Does anyone know what term he was referring to? I’ve got to look this up. it’s just so strange–I would SO MUCH rather pay for my own dinner than talk to someone and feign interest in him or her.

2

Urban dictionary has the answer:

I suspect there must be a long list of dating syndromes out there somewhere.

3

Thanks. Foolish me, I thought it was a just a one-off, a bad run of dates that didn’t pan out, but now I know it’s actually a thing with a name–and according to Urban Dictionary, it’s been around for at least a decade.

4

It’s payback for all the guys who push for sex on the first date and when they get it they ghost. Personally I’d rather pay a restaurant tab than get an STD so there you go.

5

I remember reading a news article a few years ago about a guy, somewhere in California if memory serves, who had perfected a variation on this technique: he’d invite a woman out to a fancy restaurant, with the understanding that he was paying. Toward the end of a lovely, very expensive meal he would excuse himself to go to the bathroom and never come back. All his profile info would turn out to be fake so there was no way to track him down later.

The article spoke to a few of his victims. Needless to say it was humiliating and expensive, sometimes unaffordably so, for the women. I believe some of the restaurants took pity and didn’t stick the woman with 100% of the bill, but that was more the exception than the rule.

They had a name for him - the “dashing diner” or something like that.

ETA: ah, here he is.

6

^^I remember that story! Not all the particulars, but what he did. Quite a few victims.

7

The part that got me was what would happen if the guy just said, “So we’ll split this tab, okay?”

I’m guessing she would say something like “Well, you invited me out, didn’t you? I thought you were paying.” and then, if he persisted, “Well. I didn’t bring any money with me.”

What happens if he says, “I don’t have enough cash with me to cover this.”

Presumably this doesn’t happen because he’s thinking, when she says, “I thought you were paying” that he still stands an outside chance of seeing her again or something, but what if he decides that he doesn’t like her, especially after pulling this free-food stunt, and sticks to his guns. What happens then, do you suppose?

I wonder if the restaurant will let him leave with paying for half the bill plus tip, and let her deal with the problem on her own. Or will they insist that both of them are responsbile for coming up with the full bill? Or something else?

Much of the time, I’d imagine, neither party on a blind date meeting for a drink discuss in great detail who is paying for what, and what “Would you like to split an appetizer?” means, exactly in terms of paying for it.

Does the restaurant usually absorb it as a ‘bad debt’ kind of thing and let them go with the bill unpaid, or partially paid? If so, I can see this as another type of scam altogether, where a scamming couple pretend to be a first date gone wrong, and both claim “No money–I thought he/she was paying for it, but he/she turned out to be a deadbeat/liar/scammer.” Tough spot for a restaurant, I would think.

8

Found this article, which references the one linked to above: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/07/dating-free-food/594070/

9

Sometimes people date when they are in a relationship, so they are not really a free agent. They would have to make some very serious emotional and practical decisions in their life to pursue another relationship. That is quite hard.

Why do they do this when they are not at liberty? Well it allows them to ‘see what is out there’ without making any serious commitment. Some people go shopping with little intention of buying, but every intention of trying out the goods, see it they suit their tastes and being treat as a valued potential customer. Many dating sites tend to employ this shopping paradigm to appeal their clients.

This accounts for a lot of the disappointment when, though the evening may have gone well, their date is simply ‘ghosted’ - no messages, nothing. It is quite perplexing and leads to a lot of self doubt.

But they were simply ‘window shopping’.

Using dating as a bit of therapy while they ponder their options for a better life.

There are lots of syndromes associated with dating.

I guess it works for some people, but that depends on what they are looking for.

Maybe it is just a free dinner.

10

I heard an anecdote about a guy at a London restaurant who forgot his wallet at home, and the management finally told him not to worry about it (about £300). But that was real, not an elaborate scam or anything to do with a date.

ETA I recommend you always bring your wallet when going out and at least offer to pay or split equally (or reimburse your share if it’s a club and your friend, a member, puts it on his or her tab). Nobody owes you a free dinner. If you consistently go out with the same person or group, you can take turns paying.

11

At least… a decade? My estimate would have been closer to a few hundred millennia. Or more.

12

Eh, that’s not really necessary. She can set it all up beforehand.

Look, in any normal dating context, yeah, it’s dumb for a man to agree to this sort of date. You start with “Date 0” (coffee, a brief meetup) and go from there. No major expenses on either side.

This con is being pulled by attractive 20 something women who are going on dating apps. There are legions of guys on these apps where she is out of their league. Then just go with some “I really like to be treated” patter and enough of these guys will fall for it. The men who are her peers, where she is nothing special to them, they aren’t going to be doing this. Just lower echelon men.

13

Not following, What’s “that”? What’s “it all”?

14

Text exchange:

Guy: Hey.
Girl (thinking): No f-ing way.
Girl (texting): Hi!!! :slight_smile:
Guy: Wanna meet up for coffee?
Girl: I really like to be treated… Why not take me to Chez $$$$$?

She is going to get takers with this approach.

15

But that’s not what I’m describing. A guy who agrees in advance is aware of what he’s in for,

The situation I’m talking about is a meetup sort of first-date at a bar sort of thing. No one negotiates the whole “who pays for what” in advance, Presumably both are thinking 'We’ll split the tab for a couple of drinks, no big deal" and “It won’t kill me to treat her to a drink” but they seem to be getting along and she suggests they order a little food, and maybe a second round of drinks, and “You wanna split an entree?” and the tab comes out to $100+ and afterwards he can’t get her to take his calls. That;s what I’m talking about. In retrospect, especially after this happens a few times in a row, and he starts wondering, “Hey, maybe this was just a way for her to get a free meal out of me.” At no point during the meal, if she plays it right, does it seems like that’s definitely what’s going on, but afterwards, yeah.

If you hear “Why not take me to Chez $$$$$?” a sensible guy is going to say, “No, how about YOU take ME to Chez Mega-$$$$$$$$$$$?” The approach I’m talking about seems much more underhanded.

16

I can’t say I have ever encountered this problem in real life, but, if it is a problem, there is the 100% effective Feynman approach:

17

Well, whores, sure. That’s an easy one.

18

The fact that his dates were literally prostitutes is beside the point, which is that it is trivially easy to avoid being stuck with someone’s bar/food tab.

19

The behavior described by OP has been a staple of a certain style of blind dating long before the Age Of Internet (AoE), going back about as far as the estimated age of the Universe.

Before the AoE, blind dating was commonly done via “Personal Ads” in the classified ads, but also by “dating services” where a (usually self-styled) “professional match-maker” with the help of a few staff would interview applicants, write up a brief “ad” for them, and then the staff would find supposed matches and mail each party a copy of the other’s chit.

These services were always very secretive about the statistics of their clientele. It was easy to see why: They invariably had a M:F ratio of 10:1 or much worse. Many of the females playing this game were gold-diggers, going out for dinner nearly every day (and sometimes lunch too) with a different “prospect”.

In the Very Bad Very Old Days, when a “proper lady” would never speak to a man without first being “properly introduced”, there was an inherent screening process: Dates could only be had via an introduction by a known intermediary, so in a sense they were always vetted.

When dating via “proper introductions” went out of style, dating then became much more of a total jungle. Going on a blind date with someone you’ve not only never met, but have no acquaintances in common with, is indistinguishable from going to a job interview. I suspect that many women and men alike see it that way.

20

Cool story! Though the way things are going, water in Vegas may someday cost more than champagne.