Is there a problem with being an online dating addict?

In My Humble Opinion
181

Maybe not. I am not even really sure what that means. If it looks something like following a wife or girlfriend around with a grocery cart while babbling inane nonsense like I see so often, count me out. I already have plenty of different types of relationships. The only one that I am missing is the lover that doesn’t nag and isn’t a net drain but I can get those on demand right now.

I know it sounds very capitalistic and transactional but I truly don’t see the point otherwise. I already have kids, I am not going to support someone else’s and I know there is a greater than even chance that we will get divorced even if we did get married.

What is the benefit to having a “mature relationship”? Almost everyone I know that has one isn’t happy with it. I am admittingly self-serving and not in the business of making myself unhappy just to conform to other people’s expectations. If you want to pick someone up at an airport or hotel bar, just look for a wedding ring. Your chances are better if they have one.

182

Folks, enough. While a person’s posting history may have some relevance to this thread, using it as an excuse to turn this into pure personal attacks isn’t acceptable. There’s another forum down the hall and to your left for that, if you must.

There are a number of posters in this thread who are able to make their feelings clear while still authoring constructive posts and keeping it in between the lines. It can be done. If you don’t feel like you can do that, please stay out of this thread.

183

None of this ends well for you.

If you truly wanted to change, you might try to spend some time in therapy. But that requires an amount of self-awareness that I don’t think you posses. And you don’t want to change anyway. So you wouldn’t get anything out of it even if you did go.

You insist that you treat women well but it’s clear to anyone and everyone that you do so as a means to an end. That isn’t treating them well, that’s using them to get what you want. What’s more, they know it. That’s why your relationships don’t last and why you get “ghosted” or lied to (aside: you don’t really believe her grandpa died and she broke her phone, right?). You reap what you sow.

As for trying to be a good dad – I believe you. But the damage to those kids is already done. As they get older, they will begin to act out in ways you can’t even predict, nor they understand. Best you can do now is try not to cause any more damage. But you will. Because you can’t help yourself. Because despite how much you love them, you’re too self absorbed to change and put anyone but yourself first.

Why are you here posting about this? It’s not for advice or help. You knew the only thing you’d get is admonishment. So you did this out of a sense of what?.. Self loathing? Why?.. Because you know you’re not living right and you’re alone and miserable. Is that what you wanted to hear? Something you already know.

184

Fair enough. I have just been doing stuff that is out of bounds even for me and wanted some honest feedback about it. I know the SDMB isn’t going to be kind on these types of matters but that is what I wanted and I am listening. I can’t say that I will change everything and turn into a choir boy but I do want to improve. The funeral and broken phone weren’t a lie BTW. We really are going out when she gets back. I already knew her grandfather was on his death bed. The timing just wasn’t completely predictable. I may have to skip the Russian poker player and focus on one person rather than jumping around from one to another so much.

I am not miserable at all. I have everything going for me. I was just starting to think that I was I am pushing stuff too far.

185

So you started this thread because you want to brag about dating two women at the same time while having your ex-wife on the back burner for a weekend getaway - because hey, what’s a little divorce between consenting adults! That’s what brought on this crisis of conscience? Uh-huh. You’re in way over your head and you know it.

186

I did know it on some level but sometimes you just need people to be direct before you do something really dumb. I really am trying to improve but the temptations are there once you know how to play the game.

I appreciate your feedback and I will take it to heart. Like I mentioned earlier, sometimes I don’t have the sense god gave a goose. Therapists don’t work for me at all. Sometimes I just need people to be assholes and the SDMB has those in droves to tell you exactly what you are doing wrong.

187

Apparently though you’ve mentioned this story four times, no?

188

Knowing how to “play the game” in dating is dead easy. I can entirely relate to how easy it is to find yourself like a kid in a candy store. Here’s the thing, you don’t get respect and admiration by doing the easy things. You grow as a person by doing the hard things just to brag about them. Why do you think it is that therapy doesn’t work for you? Also, you shouldn’t have to crowd-source people’s opinions to help you figure out what you’re doing wrong. But you did. Then you called them assholes. For giving you exactly what you wanted. Nice. Who’s the asshole again?

189

Nothing makes me more miserable than watching people self-destruct.

It brings to mind this comic.

It brings to mind the people in my family, who are fundamentally incapable of self-insight but for brief flashes that vanish as soon as they appear. You want to save them with all your heart and soul but they are the only ones who can save themselves.

Sexual assault is a violation of someone’s body without their consent. I wouldn’t necessarily expect a seventeen-year-old to understand the nuances of consent (which is a sad commentary on our culture), but I would expect a grown man, upon reflection, to immediately know what that is. When I was 15 or 16, I hit a kid in the balls not in self-defense but because one of his friends told me to. I did not know what I was doing was assault. I thought it was a prank among friends. As a 34-year-old woman I am nothing but mortified and ashamed of my own behavior. I wish I could find that kid and apologize. That is the difference.

One of the worst things you can do to any victim of assault is attempt to decide for them whether or not what happened was any big deal. For anyone who was a victim of groping and unwanted kissing, which includes myself, you have effectively undermined the reality of our own experience and added more shame to the experience. With those comments, you have made me, and others like me, more embarrassed and ashamed, and less likely to talk about what happened. And when society collectively asks, “Why didn’t she speak up sooner?” we will point to you.

190

Probably me but I didn’t mean that in a derogatory way exactly. Sometimes you just need people to be really blunt with you in a way that is hard to find in real life. Think about how real life would work if everyone walked around talking like they do here, especially in the Pit. It would be a completely different world.

191

I do feel bad about it in general but it is also true that I didn’t know what I was getting into or the reason for it. It wasn’t a good experience for me either and I have never done anything like it again. That is the best that I can do at this point.

192

It’s always about you. Q.E.D.

Per linked comic above: “It won’t help.”

193

Learn more about the various types of relationships and non-relationships, decide which one(s) would work best for you, and move forward.

Long Term Committed Relationship – Monogamy
Long Term Committed Relationship – Polyamory/Open
Friends with Benefits
Friendship – non sexual
Fuck Buddies
Casual Dating
One Night Stands

Given your extremely hostile opinion of women, that eliminates mature relationships from your options, reducing your options to:
Friends with Benefits
Friendship – non sexual
Fuck Buddies
Casual Dating
One Night Stands

Your female friends do not have sex with you, so now you are down to:
Casual Dating
One Night Stands

You enjoy dating more than one night stands, which leaves with only:
Casual Dating

You get upset when you are ghosted, you are unhappy about the cost of dating, and you do not want to maintain a relationship with most of the people whom you date, so your adverts for dates/dating profile are either:
Not selective enough and/or
Misleading

As far as your adverts not being selective enough, take what you have learned over you 200+ dates and modify your adverts/profile to winnow down the false positives.

As far as being misleading goes, be absolutely honest in your adverts/profiles. If you make it clear in your profile your feelings about women that you have put forward repeatedly in the SDMB, you will significantly reduce the frequency of false positives.

In other words, your views about women are holding you back from having mature relationships with women despite your not being satisfied with your present relations with women, so either fundamentally change your attitude toward women, or resign yourself to only being a player.

194

Really? Gee, I wonder why. :smack:

Could it possibly be that they tell you things you don’t want to hear?

195

Wait, wait, wait.

You claim you were only kissing her?

But you wrote:

from here

No “actual” intercourse? A “lovemaking session”?

That sure seems like more than just kissing; it sounds like rape to me.

196

I think you’re definitely on to something here. From the checklist on that link:

  • “Disregard for right and wrong”
  • “Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others”

I’m not familiar enough with the OP’s history to determine the level of persistence in his attempts at deceit, though of course, even as a one-off, this is disturbing testimony:

  • “Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others”
  • “Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure”
  • “Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated”
  • “Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior”

Per the following quote, does not appear to be an issue in the OP’s case:

  • “Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty”

Not enough data, though see the second item on the checklist, as it is quite similar.

  • “Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead”
  • “Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others”
  • “Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others”

I haven’t seen evidence of risking the safety of others, but he seems ready to risk his own:

  • “Poor or abusive relationships”
  • “Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them”

I have no idea whether the OP considers negative consequences before acting, but he certainly fails to learn from them, as exemplified by the whiplash in his judgment regarding the appropriateness of a particular act - within a span of three hours!:

  • “Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations”

Does not appear to be the case, as the OP has repeatedly testified to the contrary, ad nauseum:

IANAP, but damn, dude - you’re hittin’ about 75% of those bullet-points. Maybe you should spend some of that bling on the best shrink you can find. I’m sure there’s one out there that can help you, but you have to sincerely be willing to change.

(Which brings me to my final point - you’ve repeatedly referred to your “unique personality” and how it’s a stumbling block in your approach to therapy:

Two things: 1) We’re all freaking unique. Do you not get that?, and 2) Having a self-avowed distinct personality is not a reasonable basis for refusing to consider doing the hard work of changing yourself with the help of a therapist.)

Good luck.

197

Mental note: Never get on Fuji’s naughty list.

198

I’m standing by NPD. Narcissists may exhibit behavior in some respects that looks like sociopathology, but it’s generally limited to people they feel have wronged them in some way. It sounds like Shagnasty probably has some healthy relationships with people who he cares about.

199

You say that she was told but didn’t believe it. Why don’t you tell her, now, that you really did it. If you really are interested in finding out whether we are all just being silly, you will do so.

This attempt to repackage yourself as the victim is utterly pathetic. You fooled an unconsenting woman into getting physically intimate with you. And she does NOT know, as you state she didn’t believe the story and so your continuing friendship is in no way proof that it wasn’t a problem.

Let me ask you this, if instead of switching the way you did, you had said out loud “Hey X, can I have a turn now?” Do you think she would have said “yes”?

Nope, it’s not even close. You owe this woman the truth, and an apology. And you fully deserve to sit there respectfully, acknowledging her pain and repeatedly apologizing as many times as she needs to hear it.

I think so too. Let’s ask her!

But getting back to the OP, I think I can solve your problem. Just make the above your online dating profile. Let every woman who considers you know what you are really looking for. Be honest, and date only those women who consent to your plan for the relationship.

You will have far fewer temptations to filter through, and those you do get will be actually choosing what you are offering. You won’t have to hide how you really view them, or lie and manipulate to get what you want.

Problem solved all around!

200

:slight_smile: You’re too kind. Chalk it up to a combo of being stuck into this fascinating trainwreck, while simultaneously trying to avoid doing my coursework… Don’t tell my prof, please!