Really, look into therapy. Your daughter is going down her own path, and you have NO control over that, but you still get the emotional blowback from all her decisions. You need to find the best way to deal with her for both of you (and all your kids still at home who are being affected by her and how she affects you). You want to help her, obviously, but you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves (which, by the way, is one of the hardest life lessons to learn).
Well, here’s my plan:
One, I won’t answer the phone when she calls, unless I actually have some time (and patience) to talk.
Two, I’ll arrange to spend some one-on-one time with her so she doesn’t feel neglected.
Three, I’ll find a therapist for myself. I’ve been wanting to, anyway. This stuff I’ve been doing with losing weight in the past year, all by itself, has driven me to think I might need therapy. Seriously, even though it’s wonderful, losing more than 1/3 of your body mass in under a year can mess with your head!
So, there’s my plan. Which would have taken much longer to crystallize without the help of all you good folks.
I should hope to shout*–I think almost anyone would be better suited.
Excellent choice. I started seeing my therapist because my husband refused to see one and I needed to figure out how to cope with him (he’s Bi-Polar type II). She is the one who urged me to draw such distinct lines with my daughter. If the first therapist you see isn’t for you, try again–sometimes it takes a while to find the right fit.
*does anyone else say that? Where the hell did I pick that up?
I had a therapist I really liked, for a couple of years. She was helping me to cope with some residual childhood trauma. Then she left the place I was going to, and sooner than switch therapists, I decided to just stop. I’m not saying that was a mistake, but I need to go back, I think. I know about shopping around, too.
FWIW, my hubby and I both agreed, before we got married, that if either of us ever says “I want to see a marriage counselor”, we’re both there. Fortunately, our marriage is one of the things that’s saved whatever sanity I have.
I may be reading too much into this but that’s the first impression I got when I read your OP. It could be that she’s just afraid to ask.
And I know that sounds like the complete opposite of what you wanted to hear but perhaps if she lives with you she wont feel the need for a “family” update every five seconds.
What’s with this board and dumping the kids as soon as they reach the magical age of 18? It isn’t just here with a troublesome kid, I’ve seen it in other threads. Honestly, I can’t imagine what my life would have been like if I was booted out of the house at 18 with nothing but a ‘see ya, I’ll probably call you every month, hope to see you at Christmas, I’ll send you some money for your birthday maybe’. Knowing me, I’ll probably be coming home every weekend for the first month or so after I move out at the age of 20.
Did you even read the OP? Get a grip. There comes a point where people have to live with the consequences of their decisions and actions. I’m very sure the OP would rather that her daughter had stayed in school and wasn’t living with a loser twice her age, but the daughter must live with those decisions.
Shakes, kushiel - This girl has left home and come back, left home and come back, left home and come back. She’s disrupted the lives of her younger siblings, and put a strain on her parents emotionally and financially. She’s been offered every kind of help her parents can give, and continues to screw up. Some people are takers. The only way for them to grow up and take responsibilty for their own lives is to disengage from their drama and make them stand on their own. At some point a parent can only do so much, and has to think of what’s best for the family unit as a whole, instead of putting all their resources down a bottomless well of need.
And what about your parents? When do they get their freedom? You’ll come “home” often–but it’s not your home anymore once you move out. It belongs to your parents and they may want it to themselves some or most of the time.
As I explained to our three adult children: Don’t come over without calling first. And don’t just come in using your key. I may very well be having sex on the stairs, in the kitchen, in the backyard, whatever. You are welcome to come “home” to visit, but it will be on my terms because it’s my house. If you want to come “home” to live for awhile, welcome to “my house, my rules” all over again.
Don’t like it? Stand on your own two feet. That’s what you were raised to do. Or at least that is what I raised my kids to do–be productive members of society and take care of themselves when they became adults. The fact that one of my children is not doing this disappoints me.
She is absolutely not welcome to move back home if she wants to. We’ve tried that. She has no respect for the household rules (she smokes in the house, which is not allowed, won’t do chores, actively disrespects us, and thinks nothing of bringing the drama in, right in front of the other kids, one of whom is only 7, and shouldn’t have to deal with that). Not to mention that when she was living at home, I was supposed to be available to her, any time, for any reason. But if we were in the middle of a conversation or whatever, and she got a more attractive offer, she thought nothing of dropping me like a hot potato. On top of all of that, her bf proved after the last break-up that he has stalkerish tendencies. I will not subject my younger kids to that. What if he decided the best way to get to OD was to do something to 7-year-old mudgirl?
OD was told, in no uncertain terms (from the time she was about 15) that she was free to live at home as long as she wanted, under these conditions:
Respect the rules of the household
Go to school (which we were willing to pay for, and did for a while, but that’s a whole 'nother post) or work full-time and pay some room and board.
We’ve told the same thing to 16-year-old EtherealFreakOfPinkness (gosh I wish that kid would get a shorter username!). So you see, we did not “dump the kid as soon as she turned 18”. We put the ball in her court, and she chose to chuck said ball into the nearest dumpster. Not only that, but we’ve given her more than ample chance for a ‘try-again’.
In addition to this, allowing her to move in and out at will is not only bad for me, her father, and her sisters, it’s bad for her. I don’t know how much experience you have with drug/alcohol abusers and/or BPD, but enabling her is not doing her any favors in the long term! She has not yet learned this most valuable of lessons “Actions have consequences”, and she cannot live in an adult world until she does.
I think what we’re talking about here is age-appropriate parenting. norinew’s oldest daughter is not 9, she’s 19. At 19, you can reasonably expect your child to be finished high school, working at at least a part-time job and/or going to college, possibly living on their own, having friends and boyfriends, and developing an adult relationship (that is, a relationship that is more one of equals, rather than dependence) with their parents.
OD has major issues that are getting in the way of her developing and detaching normally, and norinew is obviously aware of that and making any healthy accommodations she can for those, but continuing to treat OD like a child isn’t going to do anyone any good. I think therapy for norinew is the way to go, because these are some serious problems to deal with. I think ideally OD should be in therapy, too, but she’s old enough to make her own (bad) decisions.
Oh, believe me, she makes plenty of bad decisions! But she is in therapy. I don’t know how helpful it is for her, as she’s admitted flat-out that she can’t be bothered to do the work that recovery requires, and I’m pretty sure her therapist doesn’t have a magic wand. . .but yes, she’s in therapy. And she sees a psychiatrist monthly to check and adjust her meds. Of course, she’s going to be in trouble if her insurance runs out next month when she turns 20 (and I think that’s when it runs out), but she cannot be bothered to call the Health Dept. and find out. :rolleyes:
Oh, she’s in THAT kind of therapy, the kind where she ignores all the good advice and keeps doing exactly what she pleases. You know, 19 year olds are notorious for not caring too much about consequences, but I recall growing out of that around 25 or so. Here’s hoping! (fingers crossed smiley)
