For about a year, I couldn’t post about all my “issues” with my oldest daughter, because she was a member of the boards (even though she was not active because of no internet access). Now, though, her membership has lapsed. Since I paid for it the first time, and she’s not in a good financial situation right now, I don’t expect to see her back. So, I can vent, or whatever.
A little background, for those who aren’t somewhat aware of this: She’s 19 (she’ll be 20 in June, and that’s one of my worries; she won’t have health insurance then, and her psych meds cost hundreds of dollars a month). She’s been diagnosed bipolar and borderline personality. She’s been hospitalized a half dozen times for suicidal ideations and suicide attempts. She claims to be addicted to alcohol and drugs (and I know she’s abused those substances), but sometimes she claims she’s not actually addicted, and can drink/use drugs recreationally, socially, safely.
The crux of my worry is this: she’s all about the drama. She wants to shock me. Family therapists (yeah, we’ve been all over that) and we agree that the best thing to do is remove the reward, and not be shocked by her behavior. When she was 14, she announced she was depressed and needed counseling. We got her counseling (and meds). Of course, she won’t stay on the meds, because she likes the manic phases too much. She’s also admitted, in counseling, that she’s simply unwilling to do the work it would take to get better.
At 15, her first suicide attempt. At 16, she started dating a man who was 38. That one got me, too. He was giving her drugs and alcohol. He’s an ongoing feature in this story, and his name starts with a “J”, so let’s call him “Jerk”. It’s not what I call him otherwise, but it’ll do for now. After Jerk went back to his wife, Daughter started claiming drug and alcohol addiction, and wanted to go into a rehab. We got her into one. In fact, because of the good people of the Dope, she got more mail than anyone else there! While there, she claimed that Jerk had actually raped her, repeatedly, while she was uncoscious/under the influence. I didn’t believe her. She just didn’t seem like anyone who had been raped. I suspected it was more shock value, plus the program for sexual victims was “cooler” :rolleyes: Whatever.
After rehab, she was hooked up with a social worker specializing in “Family Preservation”. Her social worker was really cool. She had dropped out of school. Her family pres worker paid to get her a photo ID, and they got her GED prep courses. (Did I mention we were really broke at the time?) After her prep courses, in which she did really well, they paid for her to take the GED test. They even provided transportation. The test is in two parts. The morning of the first part, Daughter couldn’t find her photo ID (and we were not going to pay the $20.00 to get a replacement one). They let her take the first part, anyway, but said she wouldn’t be allowed to take part two without her ID. She didn’t find it. Couldn’t be bothered. Once her time with family pres was over, her social worker called me and said “I don’t want to offend you, but I’ve never seen anyone as bright as your daughter do such dumb stuff”. I wasn’t offended. I couldn’t agree more.
Shortly thereafter, she announced she was going back to Jerk. I said “Wait a minute, you’re going back to the guy who raped you?? Repeatedly??” She told me she hadn’t been ‘lying’ about that, she’d just ‘misremembered’, and he hadn’t actually raped her.
When they broke up the second time, she went for Shock Value again, and announced that she was Gay. Well, that backfired. Because, frankly, it doesn’t matter to me. Then she announced she was into S&M. Again, failure on her part. It runs in the family. I’m not surprised. Then, she announced she wasn’t really Gay, she was Bi, and going back to Jerk. In fact, as soon as she turned 18, she moved in with him (he was once again separated from his wife).
Six months later, she called me. She was leaving him, and wanted to come home. I went and got her. His behavior was so stalkerish that she looked into getting a restraining order against him. I personally threatened him with physical violence (from hubby, not me; I’m a wuss) if he didn’t stop his constant surveillance on our house. Three months later, she went back to him. Then he lost his job, and now they live with his father. :smack: Oh, did I mention Jerk’s daughter, and his son, are both going to be parents? He’s 42 now.
Here’s my primary worry: where will she stop with the attempts to shock us? I’m afraid she’s going to permanently fuck her life up, just to “show” us that we must pay attention to her. Even now, when she’s not living here, she ‘demands’ my attention frequently, by calling me. A lot. Probably 7-10 times a week. She’ll scold me for not calling her to tell her when I had to go to the ER (I could understand her being upset if I’d gone for a heart attack or something, but it was a kidney stone. I’ve dealt with these since I was 15, and can’t count the number of times I’ve been in the ER for one); she gets upset if I don’t call her to tell her that her ‘baby’ sister is sick (she’s 7) with a cold or whatever. I’m just sick of it. And she keeps talking about marrying Jerk, as soon as his divorce is final. In fact, she’s currently excited about being a “grandma” to his grandchildren!
The one thing I’m thankful for is that I suspect she may not be very fertile. I say this because she’s been sexually active since she was 14, and I know she hasn’t been consistently careful, and so far, no babies!
Oh, yeah, I’m also grateful that my 15-year-old daughter and 7-year-old daughter are showing no signs of this kind of trouble (and yes, with the oldest, it was pretty clear that there were problems, by the time she was 7).
Okay, if you’ve hung in here this long, I’ll just say: thanks for letting me get that off my chest!
I don’t usually get a mention in the “popularity” threads.