I made a friend in my neighborhood, someone who lives just a few doors down. But mainly due to the fact that he lives right by me, he’s started doing a few little things that I consider kind of invasive and bothersome. They’re completley benign, but for some reason they’ve started to irk me. For example, he’ll casually make remarks like, “Hey, I saw that your lights were on pretty late the other night - burning the midnight oil?” and so on. One time he called to see if I wanted to do something, but I was feeling antisocial so I didn’t answer the phone. The next day he mentioned, “I called to see if you wanted to do something, but I guess you didn’t hear the phone, because your lights were on!”
It’s totally benign on his part - I’ve known the guy for over a year, long enough to know that he’s not “staking me out” or anything weird like that, but for some reason it makes me feel kind of invaded and irritated. I guess they’re just little factors that you don’t normally deal with with friends that don’t live close by, but it still feels like a sort of invasion of privacy; if I don’t feel like answering the phone, I shouldn’t have to worry that it’ll be obvious that I’m snubbing him because my lights are on and my car is parked out in front of my place.
Is there any way to address this without me coming off as a weirdo or someone that’s really hypersensitive? Any way that I can think about approaching it will make me sound like I’m overreacting or being weird.
Well, he is being a little invasive, but as you said, I don’t think he means anything by it - it sounds like he’s more making conversation than anything. I would just tell him the way things are with you, straight out; “Yeah, I was home, but I wasn’t feeling very sociable so I just veged.” Burning the midnight oil - “Yup.” You don’t owe him any explanations, so don’t give him any more than you feel like. Some people just have a way of communicating that rubs the wrong way - I have a sister like that, too.
It’s creepy to know that he’s paying that much attention to the lights in your house. On the up side, no one will break into your house and get away with it. Dude is WATCHING.
I would be straight with him and just say that you don’t always feel compelled to answer the phone when it rings. Shocking, but true: the phone is your servant, not the other way around.
Yeah, I agree with being direct with the guy. If it were me (and, yes, that kind of behavior would be very aggravating to me too!) I’d try to explain that it’s nothing personal but I really enjoy having quiet time to myself, so don’t be surprised if I don’t always answer the phone even when I’m home.
I had a neighbour like this at our last house. His wife was a nosy Nellie who was always peering into our backyard. One day he actually came and rang my doorbell and we had this conversation:
ME: Hello, Mike, what’s up?
MIKE: Your air conditioner is on.
ME: Yes, it is.
MIKE: It’s not very hot outside.
ME: Mike, it’s 27 degrees. Room temperature is 20.
MIKE: You could open your windows.
ME: I could indeed. But all the hot air is outside, Mike.
MIKE: It’ costs a lot of money to run the airconditioner.
ME: My wife is pregnant. She gets hot. Would you like to argue with her about it?
If this were just a neighbor I wasn’t friends with, I might be tempted to start leaving a light or two on, even when going out. This way he’ll get the idea that even though the lights are on in your house, you might not be home. It’s a friend though, so this method isn’t constructive.
I don’t know the guy, how likely is he to make it personal even when it isn’t? If he won’t, then tell him straight that sometimes you don’t feel “fit for company” and just want some solitude. Thank him for the offers of company, and tell him you do appreciate it most of the time/sometimes. This way he won’t be left wondering, and maybe feeling like you don’t appreciate him.
I have a neighbor who’s the same way. We actually live in the same building, and we were friends before I moved in. Still, I don’t always want to hang out. I just get blunt: “Yep, wasn’t feeling social, so I didn’t answer the phone (or the knock at the door).”
We also set up a code ring for “I understand you’re not feeling social, but just let me know you’re not dead or something.”, which helped ease her anxiety. She calls and lets it ring twice (so the caller ID displays her number) and then hangs up. This means, “Wanna talk?” and I call her back and let it ring once and hang up. That means, “Hey, got your call, we’re not all dead, but I’ll talk to you later,” without forcing me to talk to anyone when I don’t want to. If I want to talk to her, I let it keep ringing and wait for her to answer it. And all this is vice-versa, of course, if she’s not feeling social but I want to talk to her (although that’s never actually happened.)
Might seem complicated, but it’s really helped ease the tension that had started to build.
You could use this as an opportunity to mess with him.
Nosy neighbour - “What time do you guys leave for work in the morning?”
You - “We don’t. We both work at home.”
NN - “Yes, you do leave - I see you.”
You - “That’s not us.”
NN - “Yes it is.”
You - “No, it isn’t.”
And just keep on telling him anything that comes into your head. Chances are, he’ll think you’re nuts and stop bugging you. Win/win!
I moved to this house and had all the windows replaced. I now have a beautiful big picture window in my livingroom- tempered, slightly tinted glass and a bird feeder in the tree out front. A beautiful view.
Unfortunately, I now see my new goofball neighbor in the window way more than I would like. She’s like a big, goofy labrador puppy who can’t tell when playtime is over. Sometimes, I see her drive by craning her neck to see if I’m home. Ugh. I would be harsher to her but she seems to be slightly retarded.
I’m thinking of getting half curtains so I can see out the top but she can’t see in.
You could just play it up. Buy a bunch of quicklime and begin mysteriously digging pits all over your yard in the middle of the night. When he asks about it, mutter a nervous denial that you were digging anything, and walk away hurriedly.
