We could just as easily wonder why she doesn’t love him enough to put up with (admitedly nasty) bad habits. After all, my husband leaves the milk out at least twice a week and never changes the baby’s diaper without being asked. But I love him more than these things endanger us.
And SHAKES, add me to your anecdote list of female smokers who were smoking when we started dating and was then pressured by my boyfriend/husband to quit. I eventually did, but it was definitely in spite of him, not because of him.
Kind of makes you wonder how she got together with him on the first place. That wouldn’t happen if he didn’t bathe or brush his teeth. I don’t think it’s a “girl trying to change her man” thing. It’s a person trying to change another person thing. He smoked when you met him; he didn’t tell you he was quitting. If these two statements are true, then you took him as a smoker. If you don’t want to be with a smoker, tell him goodbye, and tell him why.
In my case, my current wife and I were discussing getting married. She said she would not marry someone who smoked, and if we weren’t at least considering getting married, then we might as well stop seeing each other.
So it was entirely my choice. 20+ years later I’m confident I made the right choice. Tho I undoubtedly resented it somewhat at this time, I later became grateful that she provided me the incentive to quit.
Granted, but as someone asked, did he not smoke when they first started dating? I don’t think that’s been anwered yet, but if the answer is yes, then it’s a little late to start whining about it.
So not comparible to smoking I don’t know where to begin. The absence of personal hygene due to laziness or lack of selfesteem or whatever is not even on the same continent as a physical and psychological addiciton to nicotine.
True, but is that really the heart of the complaint or is it more about the assualt to one’s delicate sensibilities?
This is beyond stupid, but I will condede that they are better off apart. As someone already said, smokers and nonsmokers should probably not date. As a smoker, I’ve dated a quite few nonsmokers. One would make comments every now and again such as “you’re not going to smoke another one are you?” but never alluded to how they made me smell or taste or whatever. I’m sure it was sometimes not pleasant for him, but he never complained. I in turn tried to refrain from smoking as much as I could when I was around him, and you know what? It was a drag. I wanted to be with someone whom I didn’t feel selfconcsious around and with whom I felt free to indulge a guilty pleasure.
I say, unless the OP’s boyfriend wants to stop for his own reasons, they’re fighting a losing battle.
There isn’t a damn thing that you can do or say to make him stop smoking if he doesn’t want to. I hope that’s plain enough for you.
If he’s thought seriously of quitting, then you have a fighting chance… but only then.
If any woman told me, “If you really loved me, you’d quit smoking”, I’d tell her, “If you really loved me you’d kiss my…”. It’s the same difference, trying to guilt someone into doing what you want.
Well, if you know what you’re getting into before the relationship and then you develop a problem with it, that happens to be your problem.
You can voice that you have a problem with it, and it’s solely up to the other to assess how they feel about it. If they take it as constructive criticism and take up the task of quitting because they know it makes the other uncomfortable/is killing them/not good for kids/etc. then fine. If they react with anger, they can’t be blamed.
tsarina, sounds like you’ve got a breakup coming if you’re that distraught over his smoking. That’s a good thing, believe it or not. You’re a nonsmoker traveling with a smoker. For the most part, those just simply don’t jive as lifestyle choices.
Is this a case of a “woman wanting to change a man”? Perhaps. tsarina, what are your reasons for wanting him to quit? If you’re genuinely concerned for his health, then that’s one thing. If you want him to stop because you’ve grown to dislike it, that’s completely different. Find out exactly why you want him to stop, and be honest with yourself. Even better yet, be honest with him about why you want him to stop. Let him know and abide by his decision. If he decides to keep smoking and if it’s that big of a dealbreaker, then break the deal and leave.
I’m not seeing how your not telling your guy how strongly you feel about his smoking makes you really good.
You feel so frustrated you want to cry and rip his choice out of his hand.
You find his smell make you want to vomit.
If my man told me my choice made him want to vomit, I would not want to smell like that.
I can’t say he doesn’t love you enough or care about your life together enough, but he does need to know his smell makes you want to vomit.
There’s a huge difference between the thread title and this question. The answer to the title question is no. The answer to the quoted question is yes, though probably not much. However, I would say that the first order of business is gaining an understanding of the issue that takes one past the mindset of “making” someone stop smoking.
Continuing to smoke is not an intellectual decision. It’s accomodating an addiction - one of the most powerful addictions known. Knowing the health hazards is meaningless. The excuses are meaningless. Smoking is compelling. It’s not just a habit. It’s not a matter of simply making a decision (starting smoking is, but continuing or quitting is not). With a scarce handful of exceptions, quitting is a monumental challenge. It’s about as unfair to criticize a nicotine craving as to criticize hunger or the need to urinate.
Now, it is true that smokers can quit. But it’s also true that it’s not easy. In fact, it’s often incredibly difficult. The addiction has physical, psychological, and emotional roots. Deep roots. Quitting requires a strong, fully embraced commitment as a starting point. It’s very difficult - usually impossible - for someone besides the smoker to orchestrate this commitment. Most attempts, no matter how gentle and love-motivated, are perceived on the emotional level as nagging, and end up being counterproductive. Look at it this way: his love for himself and his own health aren’t enough to inspire him to quit. His love for you, sadly, isn’t going to be enough either.
Ask him at the right time (mellow moment) if he would consider quitting. If he will entertain the idea, ask him to think of and list some benefits to himself if he were to do so. Let him know you would be very pleased if he did. Maybe buy him the book recommended above. Then drop it. Really drop it. I think that’s as far as you can go until he takes it upon himself to proceed.
If and when he does decide to try, you can be supportive and of more assistance. Until then, if he’s part of your life, so is his smoking.
I hope you give really, really good head, tsarina, cause it sounds like you’re not doing too great in the personality department.
But as a smoker, I’m a tad biased. We tend to become rather unfeeling when it comes to asshole nonsmokers (who, fortunately, are only a small percentage of the nonsmoking crowd) and their melodramatic coughing and so forth whenever they smell the smallest whiff of smoke.
So pray tell, if his smell makes you want to vomit, how in the world did you manage to start seeing him in the first place?
You have every right to demand he not smoke in your house. If your relationship starts to become more serious, you can tell him you won’t move in with him if he smokes. Basically, you have the right to set limits as far as his behavior affects you - but you don’t have the right to exert control over his life. You need to begin to understand the difference.
And I seriously recommend you not bring up the patently ridiculous bit about the smell making you want to vomit if you have a discussion with him about it.
As mentioned, you can’t make him quit. Believe me, he’s heard all the reasons why he should quit. He knows the health risks. He’ll quit when he’s ready, but you can’t make him ready.
If and when he wants to quit, you can help. Part of it is keeping him busy so he has something to do when not smoking. Go places where he doesn’t normally smoke and where others aren’t smoking. Help him stay occupied with things other than smoking (like go jogging together, etc.). Distract him when he has cigarette cravings. Be patient if he gets cranky. Etc.
I was a smoker when I met the person who would become Mr. Kiminy.
He told me in no uncertain terms, even before we started seriously dating, that he could not stand to be around women who smoked. When we actually did get to serious dating, he made it clear that I would have to choose between him and cigs.
Cigs were more expensive than a guy who would share the rent and living expenses with me (not to mention someone I cared very deeply for by this point), so I quit.
Even after 20 years, I still have occasional regrets, but I’d still pick him over cigs any day.
I would like him to give up smoking, because it is something that may ultimately kill him, and the short term health effects aren’t great either. I’ve told him I would like him to stop smoking.
But I’ve also told him it’s his choice. If and when he wants to quit, I’ll be there to help, but I’m not going to harp on him for it.
I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to help a loved one stop a potentially deadly habit/addiction, especially if it’s one that affects your quality of life as well. But nagging on them constantly, as others have said, is only going to lead to resentment and anger - from both sides. He’ll hate you for trying to force his hand, you’ll hate him for not listening to you and respecting your feelings.
All you can do is sit back and take stock of your place in this relationship. Do you love him enough to overlook the smell, etc. provided he makes sacrifices (such as not smoking in the house and so on), or does his smoking disgust you that much that you have to get out? If it’s the latter, tell him that you can’t live with it, and you’re leaving. Better to do it now, than get stuck for years in a place where you’re just not happy.
Mine did. I smoked when we met and all through the first year we knew each other (but weren’t dating.) When we first started dancing around going out, he would dutifully come out with my friend and I during breaks from class (we met in law school) and quietly gag while my friend and I chatted and smoked outside. He never said a word.
Then he started mentioning how gross he thought smoking was. He never asked me to quit, but he made sure I knew he hated it. I was completely and utterly smitten and it was pretty much a no-brainer for me. Had a couple relapses (one cig when I’d get really upset about something), but a year and a half later, I’m still smoke free.
If he values you more than the cigarettes, he’ll stop on his own. He knows you hate it, trust me. When someone is really into you, they’re not going to want to continue to engage in a behavior they know you think is disgusting.
How is THE TRUTH ridiculous? The truth hurts, doesn’t it, Excalibre? The truth is that smokers smell BAD. Bad enough to make some people want to vomit. Not stating the obvious isn’t going to change that.
Maybe you think the idea that many smokers smell bad enough to make people want to vomit is ridiculous is because you’ve damaged your sense of smell so badly that you don’t realize how stinky you are.
No, this is why it’s ridiculous: you’re making your discomfort at the smoke (and you didn’t say you have an “allergy” to it) seem more important than the withdrawal someone else faces when they decide to quit smoking. Do you think that your “pee-you!” reaction holds a candle to someone else’s addiction? Damn, non-smokers must think that nicotine addiction is like being a chocoholic, or something.
Oh wait, I know what it’s like–saying “you’re stinky, quit!” to a smoker is a lot like saying “your track marks are grossing me out, quit!” to a heroin addict. You’re picking the most shallow nit and not caring for the well-being of the other person at all, just your own nose.
Whether it’s the truth or not, I’m with Excalibre. I don’t think bringing it up is going to help the discussion at all, and will only harm it. How will that go? “Your smell makes me vomit.” “Why have you been kissing me then?!”
This kind of discussion should be more like “Would you ever consider quitting smoking? I’ll support you all the way and help you as much as I can.” And be prepared for a big fat NO if that’s how he feels.
Then answer my other question. How is it that the OP managed to start a relationship with someone who smelled so intolerably awful?
Spare me your histrionics. If you’re such a delicate flower that the smell of cigarette smoke makes you vomit, then don’t date smokers. And see a psychiatrist, because there’s something very seriously wrong with you. Meanwhile, your self-pitying obviously don’t apply to the OP, since she managed to start a relationship with this guy. They’ve probably touched. Maybe even held hands. Maybe even kissed. And that didn’t happen if for the entire relationship she was trying to suppress the desire to heave.
Sorry, the OP’s claim was exaggerated. And in trying to defend it as though it were a serious statement, you’re making yourself look ridiculous. Admittedly, there are a very small number of people for whom cigarette smoke is actively dangerous. Some people (though it’s a tiny number indeed) are allergic to it. Some people find it aggravates respiratory diseases like asthma. Those people probably shouldn’t date smokers in the first place. For other nonsmokers, cigarette smoke is an annoyance. You have the right to make a decision whether you will tolerate that annoyance in an S.O., just as you might have to decide whether you can tolerate an S.O. with different politics, no fashion sense, or bad taste in music. You don’t get to decide you want to change your S.O. to make them acceptable to you.
I guess I’m an old-fashioned romantic. I believe a relationship is about two people, together, caring about each other. Obviously you disagree; in your case, you feel that a relationship is a tool you can use to manipulate someone into doing what you want. There’s a big difference between wanting to help someone quit and trying to browbeat them into quitting for your own sake. I’m sure self-righteousness is fun, but it doesn’t make for a very happy love life.
Meanwhile, I’m only stinky because of the smell of cheap gin and stale vomit, thank you very much.